Chapter 14 #3
Kai sits up, throwing his arms around my neck and crying into my neck.
“Shh, you did so well.” I run a hand down his spine. “You were so brave.”
The tears simply start slipping down the sides of his face while he's tucked against my chest, his breathing uneven from everything we've just shared. He hides instinctively, burying his face beneath my chin like he's embarrassed by the reaction.
I wrap both arms around him and pull the blankets higher around his shoulders.
“Hey,” I murmur.
He shakes his head.
“I'm sorry.”
“No.”
“I—”
“No.” I cup the back of his head, running my fingers slowly through his hair until I feel some of the tension begin to melt beneath my hand. “Don't apologize for crying.”
“I can't help it. I feel...” His voice catches. “I don't even know what I feel.”
“You don't have to.” Another tear slides onto my chest. I kiss the top of his head. “You don't have to explain anything to me tonight.”
For several minutes, neither of us says anything. I simply hold him. My thumb traces slow circles against the back of his neck while his breathing gradually settles into something steadier. His body is still trembling occasionally, the leftover adrenaline making it difficult for him to fully relax.
This is why aftercare matters. Not because there's a script. Not because somebody once told me it was important. Because moments like this exist. Because vulnerability doesn't end when a scene does. Sometimes this is the hardest part. This is where the real trust lives.
Kai slowly uncurls one hand from where he'd been clutching the sheets and grips the front of my shirt instead. Just enough to anchor himself.
“You did so well,” I tell him quietly.
He shakes his head immediately. “I don't think I did.”
I smile into his hair. “I wasn't asking what you thought.”
His shoulders loosen a fraction.
“And even though you tried to seduce me,” I pinch his ass lightly. “You did as I asked.”
I feel him listening.
“You trusted me.”
Another shaky breath.
“You listened.”
His fingers tighten slightly against my shirt.
“You stayed with me.”
His voice is barely audible. “I wanted to.”
“I know.”
That might be the part that means the most. Not obedience. Not compliance. The choice. Every step tonight had been his.
He'd looked at me with frightened eyes and chose to trust me anyway.
That isn't submission.
That's courage.
“I'm so proud of you, baby.” The words leave my mouth before I think about them.
Kai goes completely still. He slowly pulls back just enough to look at me.
His eyes are swollen from crying. His cheeks are flushed. He looks completely unconvinced.
“I haven’t heard that…in a long time.”
The confession lands like a punch. I don't ask what he means. I have a feeling I already know. Instead, I brush a damp strand of blond hair away from his forehead.
A few minutes later, I convince him to drink some water as I clean him up with a wet washcloth. I hand him a protein bar afterward.
He rolls his eyes dramatically. “I'm not hungry.”
“I wasn't asking.”
“You're kind of bossy.”
“I've been told.”
“You enjoy this.”
I kiss his cheek. “I really do.”
He huffs a tiny laugh before taking a bite. Victory.
Once he's eaten enough to satisfy me, I guide him back beneath the blankets.
He immediately curls against my side again.
This time the trembling has mostly stopped.
I rest one hand against his back, rubbing slow, absent circles through the fabric of my T-shirt he must have stolen when I was in the bathroom.
He's almost asleep. I can feel it. His breathing grows deeper. His muscles become pleasantly heavy.
As I adjust the blankets around him, they shift just enough for my gaze to fall lower. To his thigh. The marks catch my attention immediately. Four thin cuts. High enough that they'd been hidden beneath the hem of his briefs every other time I'd seen him.
My stomach drops.
I stare.
The angle.
The spacing.
The precision.
Every instinct I have knows exactly what I'm looking at.
Not an accident.
My chest tightens so suddenly it almost hurts.
The other day, in the locker room, I'd caught a glimpse of something beneath his shorts.
I'd asked. Coach had interrupted before Kai could answer. Everything else had taken over.
Now I'm seeing them clearly.
God.
The realization rearranges the last few days in my head.
The way he'd apologized for existing.
The empty apartment.
The forgotten meals.
The panic attacks.
The way he'd spoken about William like he deserved every ounce of suffering he'd experienced.
I'd known he was depressed. I thought I understood how bad it was. I didn't. Not even close.
My first instinct is to demand an answer. To take his hand and tell him he's never allowed to do this shit again. The words rise halfway to my mouth.
Then I look down at him. Kai is barely holding himself together after everything tonight. His eyes are already closed. He's finally relaxed enough to sleep.
I bite my tongue. This isn't the moment. He wouldn't hear me. He'd only hear shame. Probably run away and do it again.
No, I can't let that happen. So I swallow the questions. Instead, I carefully pull the blanket back over his legs until the cuts disappear from view.
My hand lingers briefly against his hip.
“I'm here,” I whisper, though I don't know whether I'm saying it for him or for myself.
He makes a sleepy little sound. Then, without opening his eyes, he scoots even closer until his forehead rests against my collarbone.
Complete trust.
Complete surrender.
The irony is almost unbearable. He trusted me with every vulnerable part of himself tonight. Yet somewhere inside him, he's carrying something so painful that he'd rather turn that hurt against himself than let anyone else see it.
My heart pounds.
What the hell am I supposed to do? Push too hard, and he'll retreat. Pretend I didn't notice, and I could lose him.
The thought arrives without permission.
Lose him.
A cold panic settles low in my stomach. I think back to the first time I saw him.
Quiet. Detached. Always standing a little apart from everyone else.
Now this.
The cuts.
This isn't someone having a bad week. This is someone who's been drowning for a very long time. And somehow, for reasons I don’t yet understand, he chose me to see it.
I tighten my arms around him carefully, making sure not to wake him.
He sighs in his sleep. His breathing remains slow and even.
I lie awake with Kai safe in my arms, staring into the darkness and trying to figure out how to save someone who doesn't yet believe he's worth saving.