Chapter 9 #2
She swallowed and looked away. She slid back an inch into the corner of the couch. “Too bad. By the way, sorry I fell asleep. I wanted to watch the beginning of the movie with her and then put her to bed and clean up the kitchen before you returned.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s a complete mess.”
“I saw that. You were…cooking?”
“I don’t think you can call pasta with pesto cooking,” she said, amused. “I’m a terrible cook. Far too impatient. But I never had to learn it either. Dax always took care of that.”
He nodded. He knew that. Why did he know that? “How did you get her to eat? The pesto was green. Mel doesn’t eat green.”
She laughed softly. “I told her that if you wanted to be a doctor, you had to eat green too. To set a good example for everyone.”
“That worked?”
“God, no. She ended up with pasta with ketchup.”
He laughed softly. “She’s stubborn.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re similar in that respect,” she replied lightly. “By the way, you have a big problem.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“You don’t have any ice cream in the house.”
“Ice cream is bad for your body.”
“You’re bad for the body,” she stated angrily.
“Hm. Yours has never complained to me.”
Anna parted her lips slightly and a soft blush spread across her cheeks, like when he took off his shirt.
Fuck. Why was he doing this to himself? Why couldn’t he stop eliciting reactions from her body that made him instantly hard?
Change of subject. “You know, I had an interesting conversation with your brother today.”
“Oh, I need to hear this.”
“He asked me to explain to you that Tinder is dangerous.”
She snorted. “Of course he did. And, what did you say?”
“That you’re an adult and can do whatever you please.”
“Ah, yeah, I don’t think he agrees.” She sighed heavily and pressed her fingers against her eyes. “I’m sorry. They’re…too much. Dax and Jack. I know that. They’re still trying to protect me from everything, but…”
“Still?”
“Yes. It was their job for the longest time. At least that’s what they’ve always believed.”
Lucas frowned. Why did Anna need protecting?
“My dad was a terrible gambling addict,” she continued with a shrug.
“They always had to drag him home drunk from the casino at night. Although they told me they were only tired from studying late. On their way to practice every day, they dropped me off at the public library even though it was half an hour away, so I wouldn’t have to spend much time at home.
They scared my classmates who teased me about my worn-out clothes so they’d leave me alone.
Tried to keep me out of every fight…and somehow sacrificed their childhood so I could have a halfway normal one.
But that’s bullshit, you know?” She took a shuddering breath.
“Like I didn’t hear my parents throwing dishes.
Like I didn’t know that not every black eye Jack got was from hockey.
Like the music they played so I could sleep at night prevented me from listening at the door when Jack and Dax were arguing with our mom about her ridiculous parenting methods.
They couldn’t protect me from everything.
They know that. And they hate it. Because they love me, I know.
But I hate that they think they still have to take care of my.
That I can’t take care of myself. That they didn’t give me the chance to do something back then.
Because I wasn’t protecting myself, I just felt helpless. ”
“That’s not it,” he replied urgently. He knew why Dax and Jack did what they did. “They don’t think you can’t take care of yourself. They feel guilty because they couldn’t help you more than they did.”
Astonished, she opened her mouth. “But it’s not their fault that…”
“That’s irrelevant.” He sighed. “I understand them.” And the next words burst out of him, even though he’d never said them out loud, simply because Anna needed to hear them.
To understand. “It’s not my fault Laney had cancer.
It’s not my fault that our parents didn’t talk to her for a year when she had Melody and couldn’t narrow down who the father might be.
Still, every day, I wish I could have helped her.
Gotten through to her more. Been more interested in her.
I loved her; she was a fantastic person.
But she was also pure drama. She liked the adrenaline that comes with knowingly making the wrong decisions.
She liked the thrill of picking up someone different every night.
She liked arguing. Being loud. Causing chaos.
But I hated it. Always have. So we had no contact for a long time.
Until she showed up at my door, desperate, with a baby in her arms. She wasn’t the best mother.
Didn’t know what to do with the child, only that she loved it to death and wanted to keep it.
And I thought to myself: Shit, how could I have let it get this far?
So I bought her this house. Helped her get a job.
Babysat Melody as often as I could. But it didn’t make up for all the years I stayed away from her because I couldn’t stand the drama we always had at home, which she perpetuated.
And I was the older one. I was the big brother. It should have been my job.”
After his admission, a stone settled in his chest that rattled in his lungs with every breath.
Anna’s eyes shimmered as she shook her head. “No, it wasn’t. Just because you’re the older one doesn’t mean…”
“Yes, in my mind it does. And fuck, it’s the same with Jack and Dax.
Because no matter how much they help you, how often they protect and support you, it will never make up for not being able to give you the life you deserved back then.
That you’re still not as happy as they want you to be.
That you had to work so hard. And they probably also feel guilty for forcing you to play mediator between them for all those years when they still hated each other.
So, yeah, I understand them. Which doesn’t mean their ridiculous protectiveness isn’t overreacting. But…don’t be so hard on them.”
Anna stared at him. Then, she whispered, “I didn’t know you could talk so much.”
He closed his eyes and chuckled softly. That happened every now and then. “Don’t tell anyone.”
It looked like she was about to smile even though her face was still serious. “Your sister didn’t blame you, Lucas. For anything that went wrong in her life. I know that because I don’t blame Jack or Dax either. But I’m still so sorry that you lost her. How long ago was it?”
“Ten months and four days.”
She stared at him, seemingly doing the math in her head. “She died…in early June?”
“Yep.”
“But in June we…”
“Yep.”
“Oh. I see.” She lowered her gaze to her hands. “I wasn’t the only one who needed a distraction.”
“No.” He ran a hand through his hair hesitantly. “I…used you. I probably shouldn’t have, but…”
“Oh, be quiet,” she said, smiling. “We both used each other. And there was nothing wrong with it. I don’t blame you for a single day of the six months we were sleeping together…”
He chuckled. “Just for all the days after?”
“Yes,” she said harshly.
Sighing softly, he rubbed the back of his neck. Talking was…difficult. “I’m sorry. About what happened in the bar. I shouldn’t have said all that. But…you provoked me.”
“You claimed there was nothing between us.” Her voice was cool, but fire burned in her eyes. “You said I don’t know you and don’t need to. That I have no claim to any of your sides.”
“Yes,” he responded quietly. “But I never thought that was a problem. That was exactly what we agreed to, wasn’t it?”
“I know,” she replied irritably.
“Then why does the thought that you don’t know me upset you so much?”
She swallowed and bit her lip while looking him directly in the eyes.
“Because in the last ten years, I haven’t gotten as close to anyone as I have to you.
I know we weren’t in a relationship, but…
you made what we had seem worthless,” she whispered hoarsely.
“It wasn’t! It may have been only sex, but…
it was the best damn sex I’ve ever had. I don’t know if I wouldn’t have gone completely crazy without you.
I needed you. And to hear you say that it was a one-sided thing.
..that the time with me meant absolutely nothing to you… ”
“It meant something to me,” he interrupted quietly, gritting his teeth. “The hours with you were…the only thing that was mine.”
“And why couldn’t you just tell me that?” she snapped. “That’s all I wanted from you!”
“Because it makes everything too complicated, Anna, don’t you understand?
” he muttered harshly, leaning forward so that his knee bumped hers.
“Because then you’d be right and it would have been a mistake.
A mistake that felt so damn good that I want to repeat it.
Over and over again. Until your head is filled with nothing but my name.
Lucas, not Moreau. That scares me. Because it means I haven’t gotten enough of you. ”
She looked at him, her eyes wide. Her lips parted. Her cheeks went pink. And her gaze got so damn hungry. “And what if I haven’t had enough of you either?”
“Then I’ll tell you it doesn’t matter,” he murmured, forcing himself to look into her eyes, not at her mouth.
To hear only her voice, not her shallow breathing.
To feel only the reproach, not her hand so damn close to his leg.
“We can’t keep having hot sex forever. We work together, so it would come out.
And that means drama, which I don’t want and you don’t need if you want to be taken seriously in your job. Just find something real, Anna.”
She continued to stare at him. Her hand slid to his knee, and her gaze fell on his lips. “I don’t know if I want something real.”
“I know.” He placed his hand firmly on hers, preventing it from moving higher. “Dax said you wanted to start living for real when you finished med school.”
“Dax talks too much,” she whispered, turning her hand so that their palms were touching, so that her warmth became his warmth.
“Is that true?” he asked, trying to maintain control.
“No. I started living properly before that.”
“Yeah?”
She swallowed and raised her other hand. Placed it on his chest, right over his pounding heart, but he felt it all over his body. “Yes. The night I kissed you. And honestly? Right now, I don’t want anything real. Right now, I only want you. So either you tell me to leave now — or kiss me.”
He stared at her. Looked straight into her eyes. Watched her pupils swallow the blue of her irises. Shouldn’t…couldn’t…
He kissed her.
A man only had so much control.