Chapter 23 #2
“What?!” Dax’s voice could only have been louder through a megaphone.
“No! Fucking Moreau is the secret boyfriend?” Leon chimed in.
“Shit,” Anna whispered, pressing a hand to her eyes.
“Hallelujah,” Fox commented wearily before saying barely audibly, “You know, Moreau, for not liking drama...”
“How long has this been going on?” Jack asked coolly. “And what the hell, Moreau? Didn’t Dax and I make ourselves clear?”
Great. The second brother was furious.
Moreau laughed dryly and leaned forward. “West, I’m going to tell you to shut up too if you keep talking like Anna isn’t allowed to make her own decisions.”
“Lucas!” she said loudly, placing a hand on his chest to stop him from taking another step forward.
Anger contorted Jack’s face and Dax continued glancing back and forth between them, completely at a loss.
“Lucas, stop it. I already have two alpha males here acting like idiots. Don’t you go joining in. ”
“They can’t fucking talk to you like that, Anna,” he said, his voice menacingly calm.
“I talk to them the same way! It’s our business.”
“They’re...”
“I know. But I’ll handle it,” she said sharply. “I...”
“Fuck, you’re sleeping together?”
“Good God, Dax, you’re slow today,” Matt Payne muttered.
Yes, but his face showed everything. It was going from red to white and back to red...
“What the fuck, Anna? You’re talking to Dad behind my back and screwing my teammate? And what the fuck, Moreau? We have a code. Shit!” he thundered.
Lucas merely raised a cool eyebrow. And before Dax could blow a fuse, Anna said loudly, “Stop it, Dax. We’re adults.
We can do whatever we want. Just like it’s my damn decision if I want to contact Dad or not, just as it should have been my decision when you so firmly excluded Jack from our lives, it’s entirely my decision who I want to be with!
I’m a fucking grownup, why don’t you get it?
And if I want to get my heart broken, whether by Dad or Lucas, then that’s my decision too!
“He broke your damn heart?” Dax raged. If Anna hadn’t gotten in his way, he would have gone for Lucas. His hands were already outstretched.
“No!” she cried out, exhausted, pushing him away. She hoped that at least Jack would help her and pull Dax back by the shoulders, but her normally much calmer brother was too busy glaring at Lucas and clenching his hands.
“What exactly is going on between you two?” he growled, stepping forward. His face was so hard that Anna flinched. “What exactly are your intentions with her, Moreau? Did you just want to toy with her feelings a little or…”
“Shut it, Dax, unless you want something bad to happen,” Lucas interrupted coldly.
“Oh, right, I’d love to see that,” Dax snapped.
“Just try it,” Jack replied, pushing forward and raising his hands. “I'll…”
“Stop it!” Anna snapped as Fox jumped up and forcibly pulled Lucas back, and Matt did the same to Jack, and she was the only thing left standing between Dax and a terrible decision.
“Just…stop.”
Anna’s eyes burned and her heart pounded painfully in her throat. This was a disaster! If even Jack couldn’t think straight anymore…
Shit. It was only going to get worse, wasn’t it? Two dozen hockey players wouldn’t remain quiet about the drama that had unfolded in their locker room that day. The press would get wind of it. They would pounce on them first, and then find out about Melody, and…
Her heart clenched bitterly and her hands began to tremble. She couldn’t live with it – she wouldn't be able to deal with making Melody unhappy. She couldn't mess up her life like this.
Shit, what a mess she’d made. She didn’t want any of this anymore.
She should have just been honest and told her brothers everything. She hated that Lucas was suddenly just another secret. He deserved better. She deserved better! She wanted something real. Something adult. But the price she’d have to pay for it would be so damn high.
Bile rose in her throat. Lucas had been right about how seeing her would just mean drama.
She should never have gotten involved with him.
He couldn’t be with her and protect Melody.
It wasn’t possible. Her life was a shit-show!
Her brothers would always be abusive idiots, and Melody would be the one who suffered.
“Shit,” she whispered, rubbing her eyes.
She couldn’t do that to Melody. She couldn’t do it to Lucas. It wasn’t fair. And it had been selfish of her to try with him anyway. Unless...maybe if...
“Okay, everyone out,” she muttered, taking a shaky breath. “I need to talk to Lucas.”
“What?” a dozen hockey players answered.
“We’re not going to do shit!” Dax said.
Jack snorted. “Anna, we...”
“Damn it, just for once, do what I tell you — and not the other way around,” she interrupted, a warning tone in her voice. “My wishes are just as important as yours, understand? So out! Now!”
Dax stared at her, mouth gaping. Maybe because she’d never talked to him like that before. Maybe because there were tears in her eyes. She was angry because it hurt. Life shouldn’t be this hard.
“Fine. Come on,” Jack muttered gruffly, wrapping his arm around Dax’s shoulders and pushing him out the door.
“Hell, do what she says,” Fox chimed in loudly, looking at his teammates — all of whom followed.
The locker room emptied. It was just her and Lucas.
“That went...great,” he muttered harshly.
She smiled, but at the same time, rubbed her eyes. The first tears were seeping out. She knew what she had to do. It was what she wanted. What she needed. And maybe everything would be okay — but probably not.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Lucas whispered, taking her face in his hands and wiping away the tears, a frown between his brows. “It’s okay.”
“No, Lucas, it’s not.” She swallowed hard and opened her eyes, looked into the face she could stare at for years without getting bored. “That just now was...incredibly big drama.”
“I know.”
“And it won’t stop.”
“I know,” he repeated. “I’ll speak to your brothers. They won’t tell the press. They love you, so...”
“But the media will eventually find out,” she whispered.
“Not necessarily.”
“Yes, they will.” She smiled shakily. She loved that he wanted to keep postponing the inevitable, but she couldn’t.
“Now everyone knows, sooner rather than later. Leon can’t keep his mouth shut and Charkov understands the word no about as well as the word clitoris.
It’s going to come out. Too many people know about it now. ”
Lucas said nothing, just kept staring at her and wiping the tears from her cheeks before they could dry. But what could he say to the truth?
“And you know, I... I think it’s okay,” she whispered. “If it got out.” She took a shaky breath as Lucas’ hands clenched around her cheeks. “Lucas, I’m done with secrets. There have been too many in my life. I want us to...try this properly. Publicly.”
Without answering, he dropped his hands. Slowly. Carefully. As if he wasn’t certain he really wanted to let her go.
“Publicly,” he repeated.
She nodded.
“Anna,” he said harshly, “I can’t just think about myself. Laney wanted Melody to have a quiet...”
“I know,” she whispered, smiling. “I get it. You don’t want to disappoint her. You want the best for Melody, and having me as your official girlfriend will attract the media’s attention, and that’s not good.”
“Anna...”
“No, really. I get it. I’m not mad at you. I didn’t really expect you to say yes. But I wanted to at least ask. Give myself a chance at...long-term happiness. You know? Because...there’s no other way.” She smiled again, but her lips faltered.
Lucas’ gaze wandered to her mouth and then back to her eyes.
“Why does it have to be all or nothing?” he whispered. “Why can’t we just...continue a little longer?”
“Because it will break my heart,” she replied, her voice husky. “The more time we spend together, the worse it will be.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I... I’m not meant for you anyway. I’m not what you’re looking for. We can continue until we don’t want to anymore.”
“I don’t think that moment will ever come,” she replied calmly. “Not for me. You were never what I was looking for. But you are what I want.”
He swallowed. She saw his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “Anna, I don’t communicate well. I don’t talk enough. I’ll never be the life of the party or volunteer to go to brunch with all your friends. Never raise my hand when someone asks for comment. That’s not me. I’m not what you’re looking for.”
“I don’t care about any of that. I want you. The man I know. Not the guy other women wanted you to be,” she whispered, her heart heavy. “But you were right — we’re drama. And you can’t risk drama.”
“But I would risk it,” he said urgently. “Moving on...”
“But not being with me for real? In public? Not hiding anymore?”
He pressed his lips together and remained silent. As always, words were unnecessary from him.
“Lucas, listen to me.” She took a step back. She didn’t want to touch him, couldn’t be so close to him, and at the same time, prepare to leave. “I know you don’t like to talk, so let me speak: I love you, but I can’t go on this way.”
She saw him swallow. How his eyes scanned her face, searching for the lie in her words. But he wouldn’t find one.
“I love you,” she repeated in a thin voice.
“You know that. I know that. And if it were up to me, the whole world could know. For your sake, Lucas, I want to believe in long-term happiness. But we’re two incredibly different people.
It’s important to you that Melody remains a secret, that your life doesn’t become complicated.
And I respect that. But, Lucas, I’m complicated.
Love is complicated. And I’m so tired of secrets. So...we have to end it.”
A muscle in his jaw popped. “Don’t tell me you love me and then in the same breath say we have to end it.”
“But they’re both true,” she whispered, running a hand through her hair.
“Lucas...I’ve held back my whole life, let others help me, let my brothers fight for me whenever something important was at stake.
Because I simply couldn’t bear any more disappointment.
Because my parents disappointed me, because Jack disappointed me, and it broke my heart every time.
Until I learned that it’s easier to just keep a part of myself to myself and not get involved in anything serious.
Because if you don’t have expectations, you can’t be disappointed.
But I have expectations of you, Lucas. I always have.
I told myself it wasn’t true, but I expected you to care about me when we were just having sex.
I expected you to want to be friends with me.
And for the past few weeks, I’ve expected you to love me.
It wasn’t fair of me because you made it clear from the beginning what this is between us.
But... I can’t give up without telling you how I feel or continue living my life half-assed at only fifty percent. ”
Lucas was still looking at her. He rubbed his face, looking so incredibly pained. “I don’t want to disappoint you, Anna...”
“You won’t. It’s okay to say no to me and continue to protect Melody. I understand that you want to give her a quiet life. No press. No drama. No kids at school teasing her. But...that means it’s over.”
His expression hardened and he shook his head stiffly. “That sounds like an ultimatum, Anna, I...”
“It’s not.” She raised both hands. “I’m ending this, Lucas.
You don’t have to do anything. I just don’t think we can be friends.
You were right about that too. So don’t feel bad, okay?
I’m an adult. I’ll...get over the fact that you don’t love me.
That it’s not working.” She took a deep breath, but it was difficult to get enough oxygen into her lungs with the lump that was blocking her throat.
“I’m not angry with you, and I’m not going to make a fuss. You don’t have to feel guilty.”
“You say that now, Anna, but...”
“I mean it,” she said firmly. “I know words are worthless to you, but...they’re the only thing I can offer you. Give Melody a kiss for me, okay?”
And before he could stop her, before he could make it worse, she turned and hurried out the door.