21. John
I”d gone to check messages after Joey fell asleep in my arms, and had ended up staying up late. Or early, depending on your perspective. The dark of the previous night had pressed in around me as I”d stewed over Coach Merit”s message.
Now, as I packed plates onto the ends of the bar I was going to chest press into oblivion, his voice looped in my head.
...just hadn”t planned on you starting so soon... veteran goalie... trading you...
I still couldn”t make all the words line up in a way I could stomach.
Coach Merit wanted to trade me and was in talks with other teams about bringing in a more experienced goalie. I had a call in to Shotz, my agent, but hadn’t heard back from him yet.
All I”d thought about since Mizzoni had been injured was how to fill his shoes. How to prove I could do it, that I was worthy. My teammates told me they had faith in me, the managers had said the same. Even Coach Merit had told me he thought I had what it took.
I was going to prove them all right by being the very best, cementing my place by making All Star. I was going to be a standout, and prove to everyone—most of all myself—that I deserved to be where I was.
Only now it was pretty clear I”d been wrong. Coach didn”t think I could hold up. He was worried I”d blow the team”s chances.
I threw the last plate on the bar and slammed my index finger between it and the previous one. Dammit. The pain that shot through my hand couldn”t compete with the one in my heart, though.
For a long moment, I stood still, my eyes closed, and my hand curled against my chest. And it wasn”t the coach”s voice I heard. It was Dad”s.
...should never have agreed when your mom said she wanted another baby... ended up with you... not half the athlete your brother will be...
He”d stopped these kinds of taunts when I”d gotten MVP in high school, once I”d been old enough to get myself to practice and pay for gear on my own. Once my life stopped impacting his. But fuck if the things he”d said when I was a kid didn”t still hurt.
I cringed, imagining telling him I was being traded.
”Hey.” A soft voice came from behind me, and a second later Joey”s arms slipped around my waist.
I opened my eyes and let her warmth sink into my back for a minute before spinning around to look at her. She”d pulled out one air pod and wore a concerned look, her brows low over her expressive eyes.
”What”s wrong, John?”
”I”m fine, baby.” I couldn”t tell her. Not yet. Not when everything in her life was finally going the way she wanted it to. Why did her happy day have to coincide with my awful one? I was determined not to let my shadow fall over her joy. Not yet.
”Did you hurt your hand?” she asked, pulling it away from my chest.
”Just pinched my fingers.” We both looked down at my swelling index finger. ”It”ll be okay.”
Joey bent her head and kissed my finger, then smiled up at me, the uncertainty still in her gaze. She knew something was wrong, but she wasn”t going to force it. God, I loved her.
”Hey, will you spot me for a second?” Joey gestured to a bench with a barbell resting above it. ”I”m going for a personal record,” she said.
”That”s a lot of weight, baby.”
She raised an eyebrow and cocked a hip. ”You saying I can”t do it?”
I shook my head and laughed. Joey had taken to strength training like she took to everything—with gusto and impressive dedication. And the body that was emerging along with her confidence was so fucking sexy. The confidence even more so than the muscles, but I loved it all.
I positioned myself above her as she lay on her back and tested the weight. Gently, I helped her move it off the rack and kept my hands ready as she lowered it slowly and then began to press it back up. She faltered for a moment, and I had to keep myself from rescuing her. I wouldn”t do it for a dude, I reminded myself, not unless he really needed me to. Her arms shook, and her face reddened, but she muscled the bar back up, and then met my eyes. I closed my hands around it and helped her re-rack it, elation shooting through me as she sat up smiling.
”You did it.”
”Of course I did,” she said, grinning. ”I have the best trainer in town.”
”Good job, baby.” I was so proud of her, so proud of the person she”d always been and even more excited to see the one she would be as she moved more fully into this version of her life.
Only... I didn”t think I”d be here to see it. God only knew where I”d be. But it didn”t seem like I was going to get to stay in Wilcox.
I moved to my own rack and powered through the last few sets of my workout, my mind not in it. And then I kissed Joey goodbye and headed for the office.
”Boss,” Anthony said, greeting me from his desk in the corner of the wide open room we used as office, shipping center, and meeting facility for the Futures on Ice Foundation.
”Hey Anthony,” I said, working to put a bit of cheer into my voice. ”How”s everything looking?”
”Waiting for the shoe to drop,” he said.
I took a chair at the desk I usually used when I stopped in. ”What does that mean?”
”It means everything is going according to plan, no vendors have dropped, the caterers are all set for lunches, and not a single camper has cancelled.”
”Wow.” That was pretty incredible. It was only the second year we”d been running the camp, and the year prior it felt like if something could go wrong, it did. ”That”s great.”
”The rink confirmed our time slots this morning, and we”ve got the coaches coming in later for our final prep meeting.”
”Players confirmed?” I had a bunch of the Wombats skating a demo on the last day of camp.
”All in,” Anthony said.
I sighed. I”d almost been hoping there would be some kind of emergency for me to handle, something that needed doing. But Anthony was a one-man show—totally capable. With the oversight of the board and the funding provided by local businesses and a couple grants, it was all running smoothly.
I”d had plans to apply for another grant that would allow me to run a second session nearby in Richmond, but it looked like that might fall apart now too. If I wasn”t going to be here, what was the point?
”Can I do anything?” I asked him now. ”Sort welcome packs? Put together the swag bags?”
”Oh yeah, you could do that,” he said, nodding to the corner where boxes were piled. ”I haven”t gotten there yet.”
”Consider it done.” Opening boxes and assembling the packs of swag the campers would take with them was the perfect mindless activity. It allowed my head to roam freely over the coach”s message and think about how I was going to tell Joey.
Of course first, I needed to actually talk to the coach, which I wasn’t looking forward to doing.
When there was nothing left for me to micromanage at the office, I went back out to my truck and dialed Coach Merit.
”Samuels,” he said in the stern, serious voice I”d grown used to.
”Hey Coach. Got your message.” I didn”t pretend to be happy about it. He wouldn”t care.
”Yeah,” he said, and I heard him take a deep breath. ”Not an easy decision, John. But we really thought you”d have another year under Mizzoni.”
”Yeah.”
”And while I have no doubt about your talent, we”ve got to think about your experience. There are gonna be situations where sheer time in the game will make the difference.”
”Sure.”
”And I need to think about the team as a whole.”
”Yeah.” I let my eyes drift shut, exhausted by the thought of settling in at yet another team, being the new guy again. I”d taken a lot of shit from Mizzoni, and had finally come to an understanding with him, and been able to rely on his mentorship. I wasn”t excited about doing it all again. I wanted to start. And I thought I could. But it wasn”t my opinion that mattered.
”I”m not saying anything to the other guys yet,” Coach was saying. ”Still feeling things out. I just wanted to give you the heads up, so you”d be ready. I’m talking to Shotz too. He’ll get you a good deal, don’t worry.”
”Okay.” I should have asked who he was looking at, where he thought I might go, but I didn”t have the energy.
”I”ll be in touch.”
”Okay, thanks Coach.”
We hung up and I let the reality of the situation worm through my veins, worked to accept it. I couldn”t control it. I couldn”t change it. I would have to figure out how to be okay with it.
It just seemed like my whole life had been full of situations like this. Things I couldn”t control but would have to accept.
I drove to the rink, needing to get some ice under my skates to try to even out my thinking before I went home to Joey.
As I made lazy turns around the rink, I let my mind roll. Would she consider coming with me? But Joey didn”t want to be a hockey wife. She hadn”t sought me out in hopes of a puck bunny lifestyle. She”d come to me because of our history. But would our history be enough to survive long distance immediately after finding one another? It wasn”t what I wanted. Not at all.
Shotz called as I skated, and I moved to the edge of the ice to talk to him. He said all the expected things—that this could be really good for me, that my season with the Wombats meant a stronger contract with the next team. But he didn’t suggest there was a way I could just...stay.
Eventually, I packed up and headed home. Even though I wasn”t excited to tell Joey what I knew, I was excited to hear her news. And to see her again, to hold her close to me and breathe her in.
I parked the truck and headed inside, each tense muscle in my body loosening slightly with each step I got closer to Joey.
”Hey, you,” she said, turning from the couch where she was sitting with a glass of wine when I walked through the door. Hank sat behind her, his paws buried in her bright blond hair.
”Hey baby,” I said. I stepped close and gave Hank a scratch between the ears and leaned over to kiss Joey”s forehead.
”Want to join me for a glass of wine? I made some dinner, too, but it”ll keep.”
”That sounds amazing,” I told her, heading into the kitchen where the bottle of shiraz was open on the counter. I poured a glass and then moved back to join Joey on the couch. ”So. Tell me everything.”
Joey”s smile widened and her eyes did the same, as if there was so much good stuff in her mind it was all trying to come out at once. ”Well,” she said, ”I”m the new lab assistant at FarmPharma Biologic.”
”You accepted the offer?” My heart swelled with happiness for her. She looked so proud, her eyes beaming as her cheeks turned pink.
She nodded and I held my glass out to her. After a quick clink, she dove into details. ”The pay is... well, it”s way better than I expected for an entry level job, but the best part is that I”ll be working directly with Dr. Masters, who is so ridiculously amazing. John, I”m going to learn so much.”
”That”s amazing. When do you start?”
”I”m going in for the rest of this week to learn the ropes from the lab assistant who is leaving, and then I”ll start officially next week.”
”So quick,” I commented.
”Right,” she said. ”So I need to figure some things out, I guess. Like clothes for work, and a computer of my own...” I could almost see gears turning behind Joey”s eyes.
”Did your dad reinstate your access to money?”
She nodded, but her look was uncertain. ”Only, I don”t want it. You know? I want to do this on my own.”
”I get it,” I said, proud of her again.
”So I wondered...” Joey hesitated. ”Do you think I could take out a loan from you? Just until I get my first paycheck?”
”No.”
”No?”
”If we”re getting married, what”s mine is yours anyway. Why don”t I just get you a credit card?”
She shook her head so violently Hank leapt off the couch and wandered around to my feet, looking offended. ”The whole point is to be independent, John.”
”Okay, then yes. You can take out a loan. I”ll give you my card, and we can just keep track of what you spend.” It was silly, but if it made her feel better, it was fine.
”Thank you,” she said, beaming at me. ”And how was your day? Is the camp all ready to launch Wednesday?”
It touched me that she knew my plans for the week and seemed to sense how important the camp was to me. ”Everything looks good,” I told her.
”So now are you going to tell me what”s bothering you?”
Not only did she know what was important to me, but she read me so well she knew when something was wrong.
I didn”t think I could hide it from her much longer, so I settled back, took a long sip of wine, and braced myself to tell her the truth.