25. John
Joey was up half the night, and I understood why she was amped up. She”d just gotten so much of what she wanted, what she”d been working for. She was evolving before my eyes, morphing into this determined and independent strong woman—the completely grown-up version of the girl I”d loved in high school. And god, I loved her so much now it hurt.
And in parallel to her triumphs, I felt like I was shrinking, losing a grip on everything I thought I”d had, everything I thought I”d been.
We did leg day, and even my muscle strength seemed to be leaving me. I said goodbye to Joey after the gym, heading to the rink for an informal scrimmage Sly had called this morning. And for the first time in a long time, I didn”t want to put on my skates either.
I knew I should be grateful any team wanted me. Whether it was Seattle or Phoenix, they were good teams full of great players. I”d learn. I”d grow.
And god, I”d miss Joey and the life we”d only begun to build here.
My body was leaden and my mood dark when I arrived at the rink. The team was there, and we played for a couple hours. If I”d been hoping to demonstrate all the reasons why they should hang on to me, I failed miserably. I let four goals past me and couldn”t seem to keep my mind in the game at all.
The guys were strangely quiet about my poor performance. Where they”d normally at least give me shit for it, today they called out encouragement and kind words. Everyone knew about the trade, I realized.
I”d hit rock bottom. They were giving me their pity—the last thing I wanted.
”Samuels,” Sly called as I shouldered my bag and headed for the door.
”Yeah?”
”Gonna need you Thursday night for a parade down Main Street.”
I turned to face him, my bag sliding to the floor. ”What?”
”You heard me. Parade.”
That didn”t make sense. We didn”t do pre-season parades. ”What? Why?”
He lifted a shoulder and made a face. ”Some kind of goodwill thing. Just found out about it. We”ll meet here and ride on the back of the flatbed Julius is hooking up. The town wants to celebrate their team.”
Great. That was all I needed. One more reminder that I was no longer a part of the team, only this one would be painfully public. ”Yeah, okay.”
”Five o”clock here.”
”Yeah.”
As I climbed back up into my truck, my phone rang.
I sank into my seat and answered. ”Coach.”
”Seattle, John. Get out there next week. They”ve got someone getting in touch to make arrangements with you.”
”Yeah. Okay.”
”And John?” The coach”s voice sounded far away, like he was talking through a tube from the other side of the world. ”I”m sorry about this, son. It”s not the way I would”ve had things go, but the owner has to do what”s best for the team.”
”I know.” I did. I knew Coach Merit had little to do with the situation—he didn”t decide who was coming or going. Those decisions came from higher up, which is why Sly had been acting so friendly the last few days. He was part of the management team now, and he”d probably known about this way before I did.
It hurt. There was no way to look at it and not feel like someone didn”t want me.
I stared at the phone in my hand, wishing there was someone I could call who could make me feel slightly better, give me some better way to look at it. There was one person...
”TJ,” I said when my brother answered.
”Hey little bro,” he said. ”How”s life?”
I sighed. And then I told my brother everything. I told him about Joey and then about the trade, about the engagement and about how I was utterly and completely fucked. And how Dad had been right.
”First off, congratulations!” he said. ”You”ve been in love with that girl your whole life. Bout time she came around.” His voice was full of happiness.
”Maybe you missed the other part about how I”m getting traded?”
”Yeah, I heard that. Just doesn”t seem like big news compared to the first thing.”
”Well the first thing is probably off thanks to the second thing.”
”Why? You think you”ll meet someone better in Seattle?”
”What? No. You”re missing the point. I”m moving.”
”Yeah, that”s inconvenient, bro.”
”So it”s over.”
”Only if that”s what you want. I”ve heard they have these things called planes. Look into that.”
”Once the season starts, I”m not going to have a lot of time for leisure trips, Teej. I”ll be traveling and practicing, and that”s it.”
”For nine months, yeah.”
”Yeah.”
”Lemme ask you a question,” he said. ”You hadn”t seen Joey in how long when she showed up in Wilcox?”
”Five years at least.”
”But when she showed up, you just picked things up where you left off?”
”I mean, kind of.”
”But you don”t think you can handle nine months?”
”Things are different now.”
”Yeah, now you”ve made a commitment to each other that means something. You gave her Mama”s ring. She”ll wait.”
”It”s not like I”d be moving back here after nine months. If I came back, it would only be for a visit.”
”Look, Johnny. I get it. This isn”t ideal. But it”s also way better than what a lot of people get out of life. You found each other. You”re in love. You”re a fucking pro hockey player, and there”s a kickass team that wants you. Maybe it”s not the Wombats, but guess what? That”s okay. And Joey? Don”t forget I know that girl. She loves you, man. It”ll work out.”
”How”d you end up such an optimist?”
”What, you mean growing up with Dad?” TJ chuckled. Dad had been the complete opposite for my entire life. ”He”s mellowed a little, you know.”
”I do not know.”
”You should call him.”
”Nah.” That was the last thing I needed—to hear Dad”s opinion on everything.
”I think being engaged just agrees with me. That, and I”m happy for you. You and Joey—that just makes sense to me. It”ll work out.”
”Maybe.”
”Hey, I gotta run. Keep me informed and good luck, man. Love you.”
”Love you.”
I hung up and stared out the windshield at the Wombat”s rink—the place I”d thought would be my second home for years. It hurt. All of it hurt. I didn”t want to leave. But the choice wasn”t mine.
The choice I did have was how I was going to deal with it, and that was what I couldn”t figure out. It wasn”t fair to ask Joey to wait around or eventually to move. But I also couldn”t see myself letting her go.
I drove home, my heart in shreds.
”Hey Sammy.” Joey was cocooned on the couch, Hank in her lap, when I walked in.
”Hey baby.” I leaned over and kissed the top of her head, and Hank let out a little ”rowr.” I was going to miss him too, but I”d already decided that he and Joey would stay here. Even if I couldn”t come home to them every day, I could imagine them both here, right where I”d left them, right where they belonged.
”How was the scrimmage?” she asked.
”Honestly? It was awful. And as soon as we finished, Coach called with the decision. Seattle. I have to be there at the end of next week.”
”Hmm.” Joey let out an almost disinterested little hum.
I sank onto the couch next to her and Hank leapt into my lap.
”Hey, you stole my cat,” Joey laughed.
”He has free will,” I told her. ”He was my cat first.”
As if to remind us that he was nobody”s cat at all, Hank let out a low rumble and then moved up to the back of the couch. A moment later, his paws were in my hair, and Joey”s hand was on my thigh.
”Seattle is nice.”
”You”ve been there?”
”Seen pictures. Plus, you”ll be an octopus.”
”That”s a good thing?” My tone was skeptical.
”Sure. Octopi are super smart and very crafty. Like you.” Joey moved closer, leaning into me.
“You know everything’s going to be okay, right?” she said, clinging to my side.
”No,” I told her. “I don’t know that. This changes… everything.”
”But John...” she trailed off. ”I just don”t want you to think this changes anything. Not with us.”
I looked deep into those brilliant blue eyes then, feeling exhausted by her optimism for the first time I could remember. ”Joey,” I told her. ”This actually changes everything. There”s no reason to pretend otherwise.”
Her face fell when I said that and I immediately felt awful, like I”d kicked a kitten or something. But it didn”t do me any good to have her refusing to accept the reality of the situation. It only made it harder for me. For both of us.
”You”re not... you”re not breaking up with me, right?” Joey’s eyes were huge and there was an edge of panic in her voice.
The words were on the tip of my tongue. It made no sense to try to stay together when I was going to be living three thousand miles away. ”We should,” I said honestly, everything in me crumpling at the thought.
Joey was in my arms in the next second, pressed up against me, her chin tilted up. ”I won”t let you.”
”You won”t let me what?”
”I”m not going to let you break up with me.”
Despite everything, I laughed. ”I”m guessing you haven”t been on the tail end of many breakups, but that”s not really how it works.”
She shook her head, her ponytail flying around and threatening to whack me in the face. Her arms wrapped my waist and she hung on like a sloth refusing to drop to the forest floor. ”No.”
”I”m not trying to do it at this moment,” I assured her. ”And it isn”t like it”s what I want. But I”m leaving in a month, and then we will literally never see each other. It”s not fair to you.”
”It is if I don”t want anyone else. Ever.” She squeezed me tighter.
”You can”t say that now. Time will pass. You”ll meet someone.”
She pressed her head to my chest. ”John?”
”Yeah.” My words felt like they were coming out through sludge.
”Do me a favor?”
”Baby, I”ll try.” I felt incapable of pretty much anything.
”Stop talking. I”m fixing this.”
Another laugh tried to come out at the thought that Joey believed she could singlehandedly stop the machine that was professional hockey just because she didn”t like a decision. But I was too depressed and tired to laugh. Instead, I just held her another few moments, feeling my heart whispering goodbye even though she refused to hear it.
I breathed her warmth and optimism, wishing I could keep it close forever. I wasn”t smart or crafty enough to figure out how, though.
I sighed. I was going to miss this. All of it.