18. Liv
Clarity always seemed to come from hot water, and I made my decision while attempting to drown my insecurities under one too many shower heads.
My freak out over Alex began with memories of his disgust when I took too long to have an orgasm at his hands but ended up somewhere a lot deeper.
Because if I was being honest with myself, Ash had been there for me more in the weeks I’d known him than the two years I spent with Alex.
Ash, I trusted, but me, not so much. As much as I didn’t want to get bogged down in my own head for any aspects of our fledgling relationship, much less the physical, I knew me, and I knew it was inevitable.
But I still wanted to try. Ash never did anything by halves, and even if I never made it to an orgasm, I would bet we’d have a damn good time.
Damp tendrils of hair clung to my neck, and in the hazy mirror, their outline on my skin matched the winding tattoos on Ash’s arms. Damn, those tattoos.
I wondered what they’d look like against my skin, his arms bracketing me while he— stop thinking about — wait I can think about him like that now .
The Ash in my mind had me bent over the bench seat in the shower before I finished pulling on the soft grey t shirt he left for me. At least he was tall enough for the material to mostly cover my assets, even if it clung to them a little more than usual.
Stepping out of the bathroom on a cloud of steam revealed the real Ash, and he was so much better. All solid and warm and delicious. And looking like he wanted to devour me whole.
When I told him what I wanted and he tipped my head back to kiss me, at least half of the screaming insecurities in my head vanished.
The half that stayed, well, I had a feeling he could talk me through it the way he’d talked me through the concert and the flight.
All I knew when he kissed me was the press of our bodies, the sensation of my skin heating, blazing from proximity to him.
With this new level of intimacy, I didn’t want to grow accustomed to it only to watch him rip it away from me.
Yes, I’d given him big words, but I was still the one who had to back them up.
But all those declarations fled when his hand slid against the bare skin of my hip.
For the moment, everything narrowed down to my senses, alight in this heady new desire.
The scent of Ash’s cologne barely tinged the air, probably from him spraying it before walking out every day, painting the room with the scent of spice and smoke, of him.
Our sharp breaths as he moved his mouth to skim along my jaw, falling lower to suck at the pulse point beneath, and a little gasp at the scrape of his teeth.
The minty taste of toothpaste and Ash lingered on my tongue.
Soft fabric and warm skin beneath my fingertips as I pulled him closer.
The soft, brownish black of his irises, the pupils blown wide as he pulled back to look at me.
“Do you want to move to the bed? Or we can make this work right here.”
Something in his voice sent shivers down my spine, but I didn’t answer. I wanted him, and he wanted me. Why couldn’t it be that simple?
“Barnes?”
I closed my eyes, breathing him in.
“Olivia, we don’t have to?—”
“No, I want to do this.” It came out harsh when I only meant honesty, and I felt him tense beneath my palms.
Shit shit shit. Breath caught in my throat.
“I can hear you thinking.” Ash loomed over me, the heat of his body burning mine through the thin cotton of our clothes.
“I can’t stop thinking.” I hated how small my voice sounded. Hated how much I wanted something with no conceivable way of achieving it. Maybe I should give him an out.
“What are you thinking about?” The stroke of his thumb over my hip erased everything else except the one thing I was trying not to think about.
“I don’t see how this—I—can be good for you.”
“I keep telling you I want to make you feel good, but I guess I’m going to have to show you.
” The hand not on my hip came up to rest lightly on the side of my neck, his long fingers sliding beneath my ear.
With his thumb, he gently tilted my face up until I met his gaze.
“I want ,” he said, with an intensity that might’ve frightened me if I weren’t so captivated by it.
“To show you what anyone who’s fucked you before should have done. ”
Every drop of blood in my veins ran hot and cold at the same time at his tone. Commanding, but still soft, though the darkness in his eyes told me how much restraint he exerted in his infinite patience. My mouth went dry.
“I told you I’ve wanted every part of you since that very first night.
” Crowding even closer to me, the heat of his body nearly singed mine, we were so close.
My hands might have shaken where they rested on his chest if he hadn’t surrounded me completely, his arms bracketing me and closing off the room until we were all that remained.
“Let me show you and put me out of my misery.”
The words didn’t quite compute, misery and desire didn’t align. How did me making him miserable equate to him wanting me?
“Olivia, please . Let me give you what you deserve.”
Another layer covered his words, but I was too lost to parse out the meaning without data or formulas. His hand at my neck eased higher, cradling the back of my head and caressing my cheekbone with a sweep of his thumb.
My harsh breathing mingled with his as I debated how to cross into this uncharted territory. Unexplored expanses of space I’d never occupied because I was always the problem; I was too much and not enough, never knew which face to give to people when my real self was so small and fragile.
All I could say was, “Please.” We were barreling toward an intimacy I hadn’t fully prepared for but realized how badly I wanted.
“Will you let me help you through it? I think it’ll help, like before.” His eyes searched mine with no judgment.
Did he read my mind ? “I think that would help.”
“Good.” A slow grin spread across his gorgeous face. “So, are you gonna let me tell you what to do?”
I scoffed, grateful to him for bringing us back to a lighter place. “Maybe.”
“Be a good girl for me, Barnes, and do as you’re told.” The grin grew wider at my gasp.
The praise bolted heat right to my center, which was already molten and aching, but my desire to rail against authority also perked up at being told what to do.
Interesting.
Ash quirked an eyebrow at me, suddenly serious again.
“I want a verbal answer, though. I need you to say yes or no if you want this to go forward. You said sex was like an experiment for you, so will you let me learn what works for you? Let me take the lead?” His hand slid up my arm in a caress meant to soothe and ease my flayed nerves.
“Yes.” The pressure lifted, somehow, agreeing to let him take control. A whoosh of air left my lungs.
Ash’s whole demeanor shifted, his posture going straighter and more commanding.
Sharper, fully in focus. “Good. Now, on the bed.” Watching him with every step, I backed up until my knees hit the mattress and I sank down.
Following, Ash towered over me in my sitting position until he gently pushed me backward, silently directing me to fully lie back.
And then his heavy, hard body was over mine, engulfing me.
The heat of his exhale brushed over the shell of my ear, the ghost of sensation sending wisps of heat curling over my skin.
Soft lips against my jaw, below my ear, and finally brushing over mine with a gentle force melting my body against his.
Damn, I turned to putty so easily in his hands, and he barely touched me.
But after a few minutes no matter what he did, how much fire he stoked in me, all those old echoes came bouncing back into my skull, louder than everything else.
My brain kept cataloging details, even when I wanted it to stop.
The heat of his hands as they slid beneath my shirt.
The whir of the air conditioner. The glide of his tongue against my bottom lip.
The faint yellow tone of the light. As much as I tried to keep my body under control, he must’ve noticed the shift and backed away to look down at me.
“What’s wrong?” Concern tugged the corners of his mouth own, inverting his dimples. I wanted to press my thumbs in them, set them right, anything to keep him from giving me the startled, almost sad look on his face.
“I just…I can’t get out of my head. My brain won’t shut the hell up. Everything sort of zooms in and out, and I just can’t.
“So, you’re distracted?”
“Yes, but no? I want to be here, but…” I let it trail off as Ash’s breath ghosted over my skin when he leaned his forehead against mine again. “Sorry.” I mumbled, tucking my face against his shoulder to hide burning cheeks.
“I have an idea.”
His warmth vanished. A click, then darkness enveloped the room, the only light from the glow of the candle he’d lit earlier. It was softer, less real, more like the liminal spaces in my mind when I fell somewhere between sleeping and waking and dreams.
The darkness fell like velvet against my skin, and removing the extra source of sensory input heightened my other senses to a new level. The clean, warm scent of his sheets and the creak of the bed as he settled over me again, the places where we touched and where we didn’t.
And it worked . Heat pooled low in my belly, tension unspooling along my limbs, desperate for friction. I inhaled slowly, and Ash laughed. It was so light and close to my ear, his voice reverberated through me, and I shuddered, clamping my thighs together.
“Is this better?” Smug confidence rang in his voice. “Are you ready, Barnes?”
“Yes, so much better. Ash, please .” I didn’t mean to beg, didn’t know what I was begging for, but the velvety dark drew all my focus to how wet and needy I was.