33. Ash #2
“You were amazing, Barnes.” She always was. I was on the verge of telling her when she spoke again.
“Oh, God.” Carding her fingers through the ends of her ponytail didn’t seem to calm her, and I reached out to grasp her hand before she started pulling harder on the strands.
“I wish you could’ve seen yourself. You were terrifying . Remind me to never piss you off.”
“You could never, Ash. Not like him.” Thick and choked up, her voice caught in her throat.
My heart swelled, and a thought flitted across my mind, gone before I was able to voice it. Another, harsher one screaming louder. “I would never.”
Slowly, I stirred my coffee, tracking the cream’s outward swirl to dilute the dark brown into a lighter tan.
Seeing the fans at the hotel left me on edge, but seeing Olivia’s ex…
even with him gone, the urge to fight sang in my blood.
I braced for a punch when we saw Alex, but after the blow didn’t fall, I still had my fists up.
Eager to change the subject, I asked, “Do you know when you’ll come back home? ”
“Home? I am—you mean Portland.”
Did her eyes flit away, or did I imagine it? “Yeah. Portland. Where we live.”
“I… don’t know.”
“Coach won’t mind if you fly back with us. I know he acts all grumpy, but I think he secretly liked having you around.”
“No, Ash.” Olivia’s spoon swirled in her mug, making tight, precise circles in the liquid. “It’s not about the flight. Well, not just about the flight.”
“What is it about, then?” When sharp pain erupted in my palm, I looked down to find my hand clenched into a fist around my spoon so tightly it dug into my skin.
She sighed. “I’m still not sure when I’m coming back.”
“You’re not… what do you mean?” Ice replaced blood in my veins when she still didn’t meet my eyes.
“With Dad moving out of the facility early, he needs to find a new place. I don’t know how we’re going to move him out of the townhouse because he can’t manage those steps now.
He’s still not up to moving out on his own.
Plus, the lease is up for my apartment soon.
And now that I don’t have a job…” The unsaid words hung between us.
Now that I don’t have a job, there’s no reason to stay.
“Can’t you find another job?” I knew how selfish it was, but I needed her as much as her father did.
A snort she tried to disguise as a cough interrupted her steady stirring. “When was the last time you had to hunt for a job?” Gently said, her words still hit a sore spot.
“You could stay with me. Until you found a place.”
“I can’t do that.”
“You don’t have to get a job. Lots of the wives and girlfriends don’t.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew they were the wrong thing to say.
Audible grinding came from her molars, and her spoon hit the side of her mug with a loud clink.
“I spent years getting my degree. I am not throwing so much time and effort and money away. I already feel like a failure. I wanted to help people, not be some corporate shill. And I can’t even do that properly.
” With a loud clink she dropped the spoon, wincing at the sound.
Around us, people went on with their lives, eating breakfast and drinking coffee, not noticing or caring about the death of something beautiful and new and fragile right in their midst.
Familiar creases formed between Olivia’s brows, but for the first time, I didn’t know how to help them go away. “I didn’t mean?—”
She cut me off, “It doesn’t matter. You don’t understand.”
“No, I don’t. Enlighten me.” No that sounded too harsh. “Help me understand.”
“All I wanted was to find a place where I could have a good job and show all the kids who are dreaming of their future what could be. All the kids who don’t have support from their families or schools.
And I can’t meet the one fucking goal I set when I moved across the fucking country.
None of my plans worked out. Nothing has gone to plan, and I don’t know what the future looks like going forward. ”
“You can’t figure it out in Portland?”
“I… don’t know.” This wasn’t the woman who’d fought me over a dinner date. This woman looked defeated, unlike any other facet of her I’d seen.
“What about us, then?” Every piece of myself I shared with her, all the old wounds she’d soothed turned on their heads and came roaring back to life, especially when she glanced away, unwilling to meet my eyes. “If you’re not going to try , I can’t do this.”
“What?” The corners of her mouth turned down. “ You said I wasn’t trying, not me.”
“You didn’t have to say anything. You’ve already given up.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Sure, it is. You either want me or you don’t.” It’s what this all boiled down to, wasn’t it? I wasn’t worth the effort.
“It’s not just about us, though. I have to be here with my dad for now. When… if I go back, what else would I have to go back to?”
If she’d stabbed me, it might have hurt less. “You’d have me, but I’m not enough, am I?” I spat the bitter words, hating their taste in my mouth.
“Ash.”
“No, I’m not enough. You’re right. Why would I be?
” I shoved myself up without meaning to.
The chair scraped back, and Olivia flinched at the sound.
“You know, Coach told me when I wanted to try for captain I couldn’t have any distractions.
” I threw money on the table. Meeting Olivia’s eyes for what was probably the last time, I snarled, “But that’s all this has been.
A distraction. So maybe it is best if you stay, because I’m leaving. ”