Chapter Thirty-Seven Jade
ZANDER
Later that evening, I do end up making my way out to the bar, where the rest of the guys are meeting me after I called them to ask if I could vent. I don’t want to be home anymore, alone and miserable while I think about Rylee and how angry I am with her, while also missing the shit out of her.
When I arrive, Jensen, Carson, Owen, Wilder, and Jayce are already here, sitting around a table in the far corner with beers in front of them. They’re such a good crew — dropping everything to meet up this way. They spot me and wave me over and I cross the room to join them.
“Hey,” I say, pulling out the only chair left and dropping down into it.
“Hey, man,” Jensen replies, a sympathetic glint in his eye. “How are you doing?”
“Grand,” I snort. “Why wouldn’t I be? The woman I was falling for put out a hit piece on me for the entire fucking world to read.”
The guys all exchange uncertain looks.
“I’m sure it’s not that bad… right?” Carson asks. I shoot him a glare.
Owen sighs before locking his gaze with mine. “Really. How are you, man?”
Sighing, I run a hand through my hair and shake my head.
“I’m not doing good,” I confess at length.
“Not at all. Rylee was at my building earlier today and told me how sorry she was and explained how the article got published the way it did. One of her co-workers and her ex had it out for her and tried to fuck her over. Still, she owned the fact that she wrote it, and then said she was leaving for Ireland to visit her dad and work on herself.”
Jayce lets out a long whistle. “Damn, that’s a lot. So the article was a setup?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Why did she write the, um, not so flattering stuff about you?” Wilder asks.
I slump down in my chair before answering, “She was angry with me and venting. I guess she journals a lot to work through stuff she’s dealing with.”
“I mean, that’s not so bad,” Carson cautiously shrugs. “Skyler journals sometime. It really helps her process things. Everyone needs an outlet, and she didn’t mean for anyone else to read it… ”
“She still wrote it,” I growl. “But… to be fair, I did make her really mad. She found out I knew she was the girl I was talking to on Cloak and thought I’d been lying to her on purpose.”
“Okay, so that’s a decent reason for her to be angry and need to vent,” Jensen murmurs. “And she has apologized, right?”
I frown. “What are you getting at?”
Jensen hesitates before answering, “Well… don’t you want to be with her? Can’t you forgive her for this?”
I don’t speak for several long moments, because honestly, I don’t know what to say. Yes, I do want to be with her still, but the hurt is too deep for me to let it go so easily.
“I’m not sure,” I finally admit. “I’m not sure what I want to do anymore.”
Jayce reaches over and clasps me on the shoulder.
“Look, man, I’ve seen the way you and Rylee are with each other.
It’s so similar to Jensen, Carson, and Owen, it’s sick.
But take it from a guy who might never get the chance to experience that…
don’t let your anger overshadow what you really feel for her. ”
“Damn, Jayce,” Wilder says, looking awed. “That’s beautiful.”
I sit back as a waitress brings another round of beers and consider Jayce’s words carefully. What makes this time so different from all the others? I’ve been let down by women before, but why does it cut so much deeper this time? Is it because I was so certain Rylee was endgame?
Maybe it’s because part of me still doesn’t think she believes the same of me.
“I’ll think about it,” I tell them once the waitress leaves again.
“That’s all you need to do,” Jensen assures me. “For now.”
I feel a little better now that I’ve talked to my boys, but I still have no idea what I’m going to do. All I know is that when I think about a future without Rylee, it seems hollow and bleak.
But I’m just not certain what a future with her would look like anymore.
Despite hoping that a few days would help me clear my head and figure out what I want to do, that is far from the case.
It’s been three days, and I’m still completely miserable.
Practices have been rough, and today was no exception.
Everyone else is already gone because Coach kept me behind to rip me a new asshole before finally letting me go home.
Making my way out of the stadium and into the employee parking lot, I head for my truck but freeze when I spot a familiar face.
“Ms. Benson?” I shake my head in disbelief as Rylee’s mom approaches me with a determined look on her face. Panic seizes me. “What are you doing here? Is Rylee okay?”
“Rylee’s fine,” she assures me. “She’s just left for Ireland. I’m here because I was wondering if you and I could talk.”
“Uh… yeah, sure,” I stammer.
“Is there someplace we can go that’s close?” she asks.
I have to force my racing thoughts to calm down so I can think. “Yes, there’s a bar and grill just down the block. Will that work?”
“Sounds perfect.”
I drop my duffle bag in my truck and then Ms. Benson and I walk out of the parking lot and down the block to the restaurant, which is a fan favorite on game days, but is pretty quiet and subdued today.
We sit down at a table in the back, where we have a decent amount of privacy. I have a feeling we’re going to need it.
“So,” I gently prompt once we’re settled. “What did you want to talk about? It must be important to have brought you all the way to Denver.”
She releases a long breath and clasps her hands together on the table in front of her.
“Zander… I… I want to be honest with you. The few days between when Rylee came back home to pack for Ireland and the day she left, I have never seen my baby girl so sad. So… empty. I know what she did was wrong. Believe me, I see your perspective clearly. But, I just wanted to offer you a little bit more into Rylee's state of mind. Maybe to help you understand her better. Maybe out of a foolish hope that this could fix things. And I wanted to tell you in person because it’s important that you really understand why she is the way that she is.”
“Okay,” I murmur. “I’m listening.”
She takes a moment to seemingly gather her thoughts before continuing, “Rylee’s father and I shouldn’t have been together for as long as we were. We got pregnant with her brother Aiden after a one-night stand, and we both felt obligated to be together. To be a family.”
Ah, fuck. “So, you were together out of obligation.”
She nods. “I always wanted to fall in love, but I never really wanted to be a wife, and I’ve realized how much I resented my ex for ‘tying me down’ so to speak, but it wasn’t his fault.
He tried so hard, and he did love me. I just could never get there for him.
Still, when we ended things, I felt a lot of bitterness toward him and it had an impact on my relationship with Rylee and my expectations for her. ”
I frown and shake my head. “I’m sorry for all that, but what does this have to do with me?”
She looks apologetic when she answers. “My bitterness allowed me to let Colin take the blame for things that weren't his fault.
It caused Rylee to have a poor perspective of her father, and worse, a hidden fear of abandonment.
Her father never wanted to leave his baby girl, but I asked for a divorce and he had just lost his job in the states, so going back to work the family business just made sense.
But he let me blame the end of our marriage on him and I didn't stop it.
As a result, Rylee has always tested and pushed away anyone she's met.
She self sabotages to see if any guy would actually stick around.
I kept telling her to not settle, hoping that when she found her true love she would realize that all those who didn't fight for her were just not right. Instead, I made her think that she needed some perfect man. One perfect enough to never leave her. To make matters worse, I kept our family history of alcohol abuse away from her, not realizing she was at risk. I should have been more open with her, about everything.” She pauses and drops her gaze, shaking her head in shame.
“It was a perfect storm, and one she never saw coming. I'll forever be responsible and regretful for it because by the time she found you, it took losing you for her to realize she’d been making a mistake.”
I blink at her, then sigh. “I see. So that’s why she’s not so great with trust and opening up, and isn’t so keen on liars, huh?”
“Yeah.” She looks ashamed and I feel a little bad for her.
She’s a nice woman, and a good mom, but she’s been through a lot herself and has let it affect her daughter.
“That’s why she’s set herself such impossible standards, but I can’t let what the two of you have fall apart because of the mistakes I made with her.
It’s obvious that you two have found the kind of love I’ve only ever dreamed of, and you can’t let it slip through your fingers like this. ”
Swallowing, I choke out, “I appreciate you telling me all this, Ms. Benson, but I’m just not sure… ”
“Don’t give up on her,” she pleads. “She’s working to make things right. Here… it doesn’t seem like you’ve seen this.”
She digs out her phone and swipes at her screen a few times before handing it to me. To my surprise, she has the ICON website pulled up and there’s a message on the homepage in big bold letters.
IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT, DUE TO UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES, OUR ARTICLE FEATURING ZANDER CALDWELL WAS FALSIFIED AND SUBMITTED FOR PUBLICATIONS UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.
WE APOLOGIZE TO MR. CALDWELL FOR THE IMPACT THIS HAS HAD ON HIS REPUTATION AND WILL BE PUBLISHING THE REAL ARTICLE AFTER THE NEW YEAR.
I gaze down at the words, surprised. Did Rylee do this? Did she step in to defend me to her own magazine?
“You have no idea how lucky you two are,” Ms. Benson declares. “How hard it is to find a love like you two have. I’ve searched for it my whole life and still haven’t found it. Don’t throw what you have away because you’re angry. Trust me, you’ll regret it.”
She sounds so earnest and her words hit me deep in my heart, so I softly say, “Thank you for telling me all this Ms. Benson. And for showing me that. I really appreciate it.”
Nodding, she pushes to her feet, preparing to leave. “Please hold on just a little longer. Let Rylee have some time to work on herself so she can come back as someone you deserve.”
I gaze up at her, unable to answer her with a yes or no, so instead I assure her, “I’ll think about it. Thank you again.”
She gives me a last, lingering look before turning and making her way out of the restaurant, leaving me alone with my tumultuous thoughts and heavy heart.