Chapter Five Garlands and Gremlins
CARSON
I stand by the windows, keeping watch as the SUVs make their way out of the driveway. Bouncing on the balls of my feet, I’m eager to get to work since we have a limited amount of time to pull this off. Patience has never been my thing, and every minute that goes by is a minute of prep we don’t get.
The moment the SUVs disappear from view down the road, I give the signal. “All clear! Let’s go!”
We waste no time and hurry outside to Wilder’s truck.
He pulls the cover off the bed, revealing several boxes and plastic totes.
It’s all the decorations we managed to gather without the girls noticing.
We had Wilder bring them along since he was the only one who didn’t have someone riding with him.
“All right, guys,” Jensen declares, slipping into his captain voice. “We packed the girls’ itineraries with as much as the spa would allow, so we have about five hours before they come back. We need to get the decorations up and dinner started. Let’s get these boxes inside and fucking go!”
We let out a collective roar, as if we’re about to charge out onto the ice.
Unpacking the truck, I carry two totes into the house and set them in the living room.
Jensen, Zander, and Owen carry in the other totes, and Wilder drags a big Igloo cooler inside and into the kitchen.
He digs out the food and lays it out on the island—a turkey, potatoes, fresh green beans, the works—then comes back into the living room.
“Turkey’s brined and ready to go in the oven,” he says. “We can decorate and then cook. We don’t want to put it in too soon, otherwise we’ll have a dry-ass bird.”
I arch a brow, a little taken aback by the confidence in his tone. “Since when do you cook?”
He gives me a cocky grin. “Mrs. Clay taught me. Thought it’d help me find a wife.”
“Oh, poor Mrs. Clay,” I chuckle. “Ever the optimist.”
He nods. “She is, but I will say, being able to whip a girl up a big breakfast is a good way to secure morning sex, so the skill doesn’t go to waste.”
“Well, I’m sure that’ll warm Mrs. Clay’s heart,” I snort. “Knowing that her cooking lessons are helping you get laid even more often than before.”
“She’d probably try to beat me with a wooden spoon.”
“Oooh, kinky.”
He rolls his eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching. “Shut up.”
“Don’t forget to cover the turkey,” Zander calls out. “Gizmo is somewhere around here, and he’ll steal it if we let our guard down.” He looks around, eyes narrowed, as if expecting the cat to fly out at him at any moment.
Pivoting away from Wilder, I put my hands on my hips and grin. “Right. Where do we start?”
Silence settles over us, and we all just kind of stare at each other.
“Wait…” I frown, blinking. “Has anyone done this before?”
“Um…nope,” Jensen shakes his head. “Never been much of a decorator.”
“Me either,” Zander shrugs.
“Same.” Owen scratches the back of his head.
“Mrs. Clay hasn’t gotten that far in my husband lessons,” Wilder says in a deadpan tone.
Well, shit.
“Okay,” Jensen murmurs. Then, louder, “Okay! We can do this. How hard can it be? Throw up some lights, a couple wreaths, some garlands… it’s not rocket science.”
His words don’t seem to inspire a lot of confidence in any of us.
“What the hell even is a garland?” Zander mutters.
“We gotta keep moving. Let’s just open the boxes and see what we got. Improvise.”
Everyone nods and reaches for a box. When we pull the lids off, it takes a moment to realize just how big of a mess this really is.
“What the fuck is this?” Wilder exclaims, reaching into my tote and pulling out a penis-shaped ornament. “Who brought this?”
I chuckle. “Oh…that’s Skyler’s. She found it when she was in New York.”
“Why the hell would she buy a penis ornament?” he demands to know.
I shrug. “She thought it was hilarious. Duh.” In fact, I nearly pissed myself when she first showed it to me, I thought it was so funny.
“I mean…yeah, it totally is,” Wilder agrees. “Still, come on!”
“Well, who packed all this shit?” Jensen groans, digging into his box and pulling up a thing of sparkly purple tinsel.
I recognize it immediately. “Ah, that’s also mine!”
“Carson!” He narrows his eyes at me. “Purple is not a Christmas color!”
“Any color can be a Christmas color if you believe.” I chuckle. “Skyler has been really into purple lately because one of her favorite animes has a purple cat-like god character that she’s slightly obsessed with, so there’s been a lot of purple in our lives lately.”
“It’s probably Lord Beerus from Dragonball Z,” Zander murmurs, unable to help being the biggest nerd in the room.
“Not. A. Christmas. Color,” Jensen repeats, emphasizing each word. “Plus, it clashes with everything else!”
“Everything clashes with everything,” Wilder sighs. “Is that a damn Hello Kitty wreath?”
“Millie loves Hello Kitty,” Owen grins. “Oh, this is so cute. We got her a Hello Kitty toy kitchen set and she’s been making us pretend tacos and cupcakes. She will literally stand and stare at me until I finish my plate, because that’s what we tell her to do all the time.”
“That sounds very cute,” Jensen nods, his hands on his hips. “Just not so sure Hello Kitty goes with a penis ornament and purple anime cat decorations.”
“Pink and purple look kind of good together,” Wilder says. “But then we got another banger from Carson’s collection here.” He pulls an ornament from my contributions— a circle with an image of Santa on the toilet and the words “You’re on Santa’s shit list.”
I snort. “That’s just funny!”
“You are a child,” Owen sighs.
“That’s rich coming from the guy with an Elsa tree topper,” Wilder snickers, holding up a likeness of the Disney princess with an extra sparkly dress.
Rolling his eyes, Owen snaps, “When you have a seven-year-old, there’s no such thing as an adult Christmas.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “Oh my God, we’re so fucked.”
“Hey, hey, come on,” Jensen quickly says in an upbeat tone.. “Okay, maybe we should’ve coordinated the decorations a little better, but it’s all right. We can work with what we got. It’ll just be a little… unconventional. Nothing wrong with that. The girls will probably love it, honestly.”
“He’s not wrong,” Zander agrees. “Rylee will probably want to take the penis ornament and the Hello Kitty wreath home with us.”
“Hands off the penis,” I warn him, wagging a finger at him. “Only Skyler gets to touch it.”
Zander narrows his eyes at me. “Why do I get the feeling you're not talking about the ornament anymore?”
I shoot him a wink before glancing back down into the box in front of me. “Okay, let’s get started.” Looking back up, I scan the living room. “Right… where’s the tree?”
The other guys freeze and I watch as their eyes go wide with the exact same realization.
Owen scratches his cheek, which is sprouting a 5 o’clock shadow already. “Did we, uh, talk about getting a tree?”
“No.” Jensen slowly shakes his head. “I think we just assumed we’d have one.”
Wilder furrows his brow. “Like it’d just manifest? Appear out of thin air?”
Jensen rubs the back of his head and scrunches up his face. “Admittedly, a bit of an oversight.”
“Okay,” Zander cups his chin thoughtfully. “So what are we going to do? We have to have a tree. It’s not really Christmas without a tree.”
“What if we just…build one?” I suggest.
They stare at me.
“Out of what?” Jensen asks.
“I dunno,” I shrug. “Determination? Hope? Wood? I don’t know, Jensen, I’m running on vibes and sugar-free Red Bull.”
“Uh… can’t we just cut one down?” Owen asks.
Jensen gives him an exasperated look. “You want to cut down a random tree in this park? Pretty sure that’s not legal.”
“It’s one tree,” Owen argues. “You think they’ll miss one tree?”
“I mean…there are a ton of trees out there.” I gaze out the living room window and wonder how hard it would actually be to cut a tree down. It can’t be that difficult, right? People cut down trees all the time.
“Well, we do have to have a tree,” Jensen murmurs thoughtfully.
“We should’ve just picked up a fake one before we came here,” Wilder grumbles. “Any place selling them has them for like 80% off.”
“What if we chopped down a bush?” I suggest. “They’re like mini-trees. How much trouble could we get into for cutting down a bush?”
“Hold on, hold on. Don’t go whacking any bushes just yet.” Zander grabs his backpack, which is resting against one of the living room chairs, and pulls out his laptop. “I’ll Google it. There’s gotta be something about trees and Christmas and what not…”
We wait while he types and searches, and within a few minutes, he gives us a triumphant grin. “Ha! Here we go. We can cut down a tree on National Park land with a permit, which we can get at this website for a small fee.”
“Great!” Jensen exclaims. “Go ahead and get the permit.”
A little more typing and Zander nods. “Done. Now we just need to figure out who’s going to get it.”
We all look between him and Wilder. They both frown.
“Hold on,” Zander sputters. “You want us…?”
“You’re joking.” Wilder points his finger between himself and Zander. “Why us?”
“I mean…” I wave my hand between them. “Come on. You’re both the biggest of any of us, and you both look like different versions of Paul Bunyon. Most of all, you’re both wearing matching flannel shirts, so you should be able to handle this no problem.”
They eye one another’s flannel shirts.
“You guys get the tree,” Jensen says. “Carson, Owen and I will decorate and start dinner.”
“Ah, come on,” Zander protests. “I’m a gamer nerd! I don’t mess with the outdoors.”
Sighing, Wilder grabs the back of Zander’s collar. “Come on, nerd. Let’s just get the tree. Think of how happy it’ll make your girl.”
That appears to disarm Zander in an instant. “Okay, fine. This has to be perfect for Rylee, and it won’t be without a tree. Though I’m not entirely opposed to Carson’s bush idea.”
“I don’t mind a good bush,” Wilder smirks.
Zander snorts. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.”