27. Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Molly
With Henry tucked in his crib, I opened my laptop and tried to focus on words I no longer believed in.
For a few fleeting moments, love seemed like something I could have, but I knew the truth. After how cynical I’d been all these years, I didn’t deserve one man, much less two.
Locking the door behind me at Emmett’s house had hurt like hell, but I needed to let him and Preston be in their own relationship.
An uneasy shudder rattled me as I skimmed over the words I’d written. I poured my heart and soul into this book. It was my story in more ways than one. I couldn’t let someone else put their name on it and call it theirs. Not when it belonged so close to my heart.
It was all I had left of my all-too-brief time with Preston and Emmett. It belonged to me.
It would also be my last romance book. Now that I’d gotten it out of the way, I had my sights set on the first thriller that would have my name on the cover. And maybe a romantic subplot.
That was a big, big maybe.
Romance.
It was such a loaded word for me.
And now that I knew how good it could be, the pain of all I lost hit me like a tidal wave.
I cried.
I was a dam that had been building pressure for decades without anyone noticing. And even when I detected the pressure, I pushed it down, the burden swelling until I couldn’t contain it any longer.
And now, all alone in a room at my brother’s house, I couldn’t hold it back. I was a hiccupping mess. A blubbering fool, talking to myself as I tried to reason the tears away.
I wasn’t a crier.
This was Emmett’s fault for being so nice to me. Preston’s fault for making me think I was worth loving.
If they had just given the bare minimum, I could have been okay. But they got things out of me no one else had ever noticed or cared to know.
Preston got me to talk about the pain of watching those stupid movies with my mom. I’d never told anyone about that. Even Lucas had never realized exactly how much my childhood had hurt me.
He did a fantastic job protecting me from our parents, but he was a kid himself. He couldn’t be there for every little thing. Every damaging word my mom said. Every time my dad left without saying goodbye. I used to dread the door shutting. I never knew if it would open again.
And it was just my luck I’d find two men who actually showed interest in me, and I opened my heart like a fool. I bought into the whole idea of love because they oozed it like a drug. But their love was for each other, not for me.
I curled up in the corner, tucking my knees tight against me.
If I cried until I dehydrated and shriveled, it would be okay.
Henry was tucked in his crib and couldn’t open the door on his own.
Lucas would find me and Henry was still young enough, he wouldn’t remember me.
Maybe people would tell him about me, but he wouldn’t have any direct pain of losing his aunt.
The thought oddly comforted me as I hugged my legs and sobbed until the tears ran dry.
“Molly?” Lucas called.
I scrambled to my feet, embarrassed I’d fallen asleep on the ground and didn’t even have the decency to die. “In here.”
He came in, eyes wide, as he looked at all my things in his guest room. “Where’s Rebecca?”
I filled him in on what happened as he paced the room.
“Dammit,” Lucas said, low enough Henry couldn’t hear in the other room.
My stomach dropped, and I bit the inside of my cheek, my arms feeling weightless and heavy all at once. “I tried to stop her.”
Lucas shook his head and pressed his hand to the wall, taking several shallow breaths.
“It’s not your fault. I knew this was coming.
We’ve been over for a long time.” He sighed and shook his head.
“She told me it was over, and I wasn’t even surprised.
I have a nanny lined up to start next week.
I thought—” He grabbed his mouth and shook his head.
“I thought she’d wait until I had everything in order.
She couldn’t wait one more fucking week. ”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, shrinking back as he turned to me.
Lucas’s face instantly softened, and he put his arms out. “Shit. Molly. I’m so sorry she put you in this position. She was too much of a coward to leave when I was home, and I hate that she got you involved.”
“No. It’s okay. I’m glad she left Henry with me.” The alternatives made me sick. “We had a great time while you were gone.”
“You’re the best sister, but I’m mad she did this.”
“I promise, Lucas. I was thankful Rebecca came to me. And I can stay until the nanny comes. I can even stay past that—”
“What’s going on?” he asked, instantly suspicious.
Dang it. I’d been too eager.
I swallowed all the pain coursing through me.
All the panic Rebecca’s visit stirred up needed to settle.
Lucas was always worried about me growing up.
He had big adult problems now, and I didn’t want to drag him into my mess.
It was a mess I’d created for myself, and I could be an adult and face it on my own.
“I just want to help,” I said. “Preston and Emmett will probably be glad to have me out of their hair.” I laughed and put my arm around my brother. “It’ll be good for all of us.”
He tilted his head, puzzled. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. One-hundred percent sure.”
He frowned, but squeezed me into a tight bear hug. “The nanny’s going to be living here, so I don’t need a lot of help, but you can stay as long as you want to.”
Forever. I would stay forever. Lucas’s house was a decent size.
I could tuck away into one of the back rooms and hide until Preston and Emmett lived out their happily ever after.
As much as I didn’t believe love ever worked out—and as much as Rebecca confirmed it—I wanted so badly to believe they’d be the exception to the rule.
All I wanted was for them to be happy.
“Rebecca said you made her keep Henry. Is that true?” I asked, afraid of what he was going to say. Afraid my image of my brother was about to be shattered.
“Yes,” he said, dropping his hands to his side. “I was dumb and thought we could make it work. I thought once we were together, and the baby was here, the love would come.”
“Lucas,” I whispered. “Why?”
“The second I found out I was going to be a dad, I wanted things to be different than they were for us. I thought having money would make it better because so many of mom and dad’s arguments were about money.”
“So, you made her keep the baby?”
“She was going to put him up for adoption. I asked her to give him to me. She wouldn’t. So, I begged her to stay with me. I asked her to give it until his first birthday and promised her we’d work around her career.” He gulped, his brows touching as he stared over my shoulder. “We didn’t make it.”
I hugged him, squeezing him until I couldn’t breathe.
“You held up your end of it. And she was close to holding up hers, too. If she truly didn’t want to be a mom to Henry, there was nothing you could do.
I can’t imagine leaving my baby, but if she wasn’t attached to him, it’s better for him and for her. ”
“How? He’ll always have a big hole where she’s supposed to be.”
“Sometimes I wished mom would have let someone else raise us,” I admitted in a low whisper, afraid the words would make me an even worse person.
Lucas’s eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. He just hugged me tighter.
“We can be Marilla and Matthew Cuthbert,” I said, my words muffled against his jacket.
“Who?”
“From Anne of Green Gables. The brother and sister who adopt Anne. We have Henry. The two of us can give him the childhood we never had. You can tend the land, and I’ll gossip with the neighbors.”
He pushed me, and I stumbled, laughing as I caught my footing.
“No, Molly. I have no land to tend. We’re not doing that. My nanny is coming next week. Her name is Ava, and she’s great. You’ll love her. Henry will love her and then you can still have your own life.”
“I’m fine if Henry is my life.”
He shook his head, grabbing my shoulders and steering me to the front door.
“You have a life waiting for you out there. I appreciate you taking care of Henry last night—” He scrubbed his face and groaned.
“More than I can even tell you. I’m so fucking grateful she brought him to you and I’m thankful you didn’t even hesitate—”
“I’m always going to show up for you guys.”
“I know,” he said, his face drooping. “But you need to find love, Molly. It’s out there for you. I know you think this time with Preston and Emmett has been fake, but I think they love you.”
“No, they don’t,” I argued, my heart aching to believe his lies.
“Molly, they do. Give them a chance—”
“Love doesn’t work out, Lucas.” I threw my hands up, exasperated that he, of all people, would argue with me.
“Look at mom and dad. And you and Rebecca. I know that’s a low blow to say so soon, but come on.
That blindsided me. I thought—” I huffed out a frustrated sigh.
“You can’t tell me after all we’ve been through, you actually believe love is real. ”
“Molly, stop. Mom and dad didn’t love each other. Rebecca and I didn’t love each other. I wasn’t trying to hide that from you. I—” He paused and ran his hand down his face. “I thought we could make it work, but I was delusional. I was fooling everyone, including myself.”
“You’re not helping your case,” I warned.
“It’s two different things. You’re taking toxic relationships and using them as some convoluted scale to figure out if love is real or not—”
“And then there’re the movies,” I said, cutting him off before he tried to convince me I was wrong.
“Those are ridiculous. Like that one with the bookstore owners. That’s like straight up stalking through email and he knew who she was, but she didn’t know who he was. Creepy. Completely and utterly creepy.”
“Still not love, Molly,” Lucas said.
“Then what is love?” I was out of breath, ready to hide away for the rest of my life.
“This.” He held up his phone. “Someone who chooses over and over to be in your life.” A slew of texts from Preston lit up his screen. “He’s asking if I know where you are. Want me to tell him?”
“I don’t know what I want.” I dragged my fingers down my face and groaned.
“I don’t know, Lucas. It’s so scary. I love both of them so much and that gives them too much power.
Mom and dad had the same power over me. I loved them with my whole heart, and they repeatedly stomped all over it whenever I offered it to them. ”
“That wasn’t love, Molly. That was two broken people who probably were trying their best, but didn’t have enough to give each other, much less two kids who wanted their love so badly it hurt.”
His face twisted, and I reached for him.
We were eight and six again, listening to our parents screaming in the other room, wondering which wall would end up with a new hole in it or which of our precious few trinkets would be shattered into tiny pieces.
When they fought during the day, we could escape to Preston’s yard and pretend life was okay until the shouting was quiet enough we couldn’t hear it.
But when they fought at night, we were trapped until one of them left.
“What if I give them my heart and they hurt me?” My voice was small and shaky. It was hard pulling myself to the present, but I was tired of carrying around my parents’ damage.
“There’s only one way to find out. They’re great guys, Molls. I know I’m not the best person to ask for love advice right now, but I trust them. And they—” The doorbell rang, and Lucas glanced toward the door, worry knitting his brows. “Want me to answer it? We both know who it is.”
I wanted to argue that I wasn’t sure exactly who it was, but that I had it narrowed down to one of two people. Or maybe both of them. No. They were strategic. One of them was here. One was somewhere else looking for me.
How was it so easy for me to assume they’d both be looking for me, but I still couldn’t fully believe they loved me?
“Do you think they’ll hurt me?” I asked, my voice still small.
He shook his head and pulled me toward the door. “While we were gone, they both admitted they want to be with you.”
My heartbeat sped up, and I clutched his arm. “What do you think I should do?”
“It’s up to you, Molls. I can’t make that decision. But if being with them makes you happy, then I’m happy. I want that for you.”
The doorbell rang again.
“Are you going to answer that, Molly?”