12. Astrid
Iwalk back into the party, my feet light, my cheeks hurting from what I’m sure is a ridiculously wide grin.
Sean kissed me. Again.
The crowd suddenly feels less claustrophobic and the atmosphere more comfortable.
The other day wasn’t a fluke after all. He actually wanted to kiss me. On purpose. I feel giddy.
I touch my lips as if to make sure it was real. It does seem like something out of a dream. I can still feel him there, and I try to savor the lingering sensation. God, kissing him is better than I remember.
The room is buzzing with energy that seems to magnify my own. Players and family members pack the space, and I notice that there is even a reporter in the corner, interviewing who I think is the head coach.
I wonder if where I’ve been is obvious to everyone else, from what I look like. I brush through my hair as I walk through the crowd. To my surprise, no one seems to notice me. Not more than usual at least. I guess there is no neon sign above my head that narrates what I’ve done. I kissed Sean. My face heats at the memory of what just happened. I really kissed him.
“Oh,” I say, startled when I almost walk into someone. “Excuse me.”
I can’t make out who it is. There is just a flurry of long hair as I stumble back. Whoever it is doesn’t stick around for me to apologize, she just rolls her eyes and walks away.
I shake my head. I got so caught up in the fantasy in my mind I forgot where I was going. I look around the room, trying to find Violet or Jake, and spot them with Connor and Tanner on the other side of the room.
I turn towards them, coming to an abrupt halt when I hear my name.
“That’s Astrid,” a high-pitched voice says.
I look around, realizing a moment too late that it is not a kind observation. It’s the woman I almost ran over. She looks me up and down with clear dislike.
Great.I’ve managed to make enemies already.
I pretend to be interested in what the nearby waiter is serving for appetizers as I try to listen in.
I can’t quite make out what the second woman says, and I don’t want to make myself too obvious. I pop the offered cheese into my mouth but skip on the champagne, knowing that I have to drive Violet home tonight.
That’s when I overhear one of them say, “she’s just the nanny.”
Just the nanny. My stomach drops. The euphoria I once felt crashes through me, its warmth replaced by thick nausea. Fuck. My head spins as I contemplate what they’re saying.
“You know how players are.” The words of their conversation follow me even as I try to escape. I don’t bother turning around to see which woman said it. The fact that it’s even a topic of conversation is mortifying enough.
The most embarrassing part is, I don’t actually know how hockey players are. I don’t really know anything about the sport. Sure, Sean is a man in the spotlight, I could fill in the blanks. He’s handsome, successful, well off financially. That’s enough to win anyone over. He can have whoever he wants.
I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and fight back tears as I hurry towards Connor. Just the nanny. I can’t shake her words from my head. She said them with such disdain too.
How can someone who doesn’t know me dislike me so much? Is it jealousy? They don’t think I’m good enough to matter to him. I’m just one of the many that he’ll forget. And then they’ll get their chance?
Dammit. I let my desire get the best of me. I don’t know why I thought this would be a good idea. I twist a strand of hair between my fingers. It was just a kiss. Okay, two kisses. But that doesn’t mean it meant something to him.
Even though it meant a whole lot to me.
God, I’m so na?ve. Of course, I’m not special, Jesus. He’s a professional athlete, traveling across the country half the year. I’m a teacher who’s most exciting part of the day is a little jog around the neighborhood. We are in two very, very different worlds. I should have known better, but I went and got a crush on him anyway.
“This good, right?” Connor looks down at the food still clutched in my hand.
“So good,” I say, surprised that my voice doesn’t shake.
I keep myself occupied as I let their conversation wash over me, giving, “uh huh,” and “wow,” every few pauses to feign interest. I don’t want to draw attention to myself by being cold or standoffish. But I also don’t want to appear overly interested and inadvertently get drawn into something lighthearted that I can’t stand to talk about. It’s not that I’m not interested. It’s just… I can’t really think right now. The only words that would come out of my mouth would be embarrassing truths I’m not ready to share.
I look around the room, scanning for my exit, my gaze catching on those women again who laugh openly in my direction.
I wave a hand near my face. It is too hot. I pull at the thick fabric of the jersey. I need to sit down somewhere. Or go outside. It’s starting to feel as if the room is closing in around me.
I consider going to the bathroom to escape again, but I’m unsure if I want to risk running in to Sean again.
Sean.The reoccurring thought that makes everything worse.
I know that this moment is hard, but I have to get it together. Even if I don’t mean anything to him, I can’t lose this job. I need to be professional. And there is very little professionalism in making out with your boss at a party.
Oh how fun it is to go from sky high to rock bottom in such a short time.
Maybe tomorrow I can get it together. But right now, the hurt is just too raw to hide. I need to find a way to avoid him until I’ve processed this.
The man who I assume is the coach walks over to a microphone set up near the center of the room. It doesn’t take much to command this crowd’s attention. The moment he walks over, everyone quiets.
“First, I want to thank you all for being here tonight. And I know that you’re hungry.” He gives the players nearby a look. “So I’ll keep this short. It takes a community to support a hockey team. You are our community. So let’s celebrate.” He places the microphone on the stand and walks away as the guys rush over to get in line.
This is my chance. Sean and I drove separately since he had the scrimmage first. All I need to do is create an excuse and disappear before he gets suspicious.
And somehow avoid him while we live in the same house.
It’s a perfect plan.
“Hey, Violet,” I call to her as she and Jake run around playing some game they must’ve made up with the other kids. “Do you want to go home and watch a movie? I’ll make you popcorn tonight.”
She grins.
I’ve learned that popcorn is Violet’s favorite snack. I should feel slightly guilty, pulling her away while she’s having fun, but the urge to escape this place overrides that. I need to get out. And I need to make it happen now.
I see Sean with another guy, half paying attention to what he’s saying and half watching me from the edge of the room. Perfect. If there is someone else distracting him, he’ll question me less.
“We’re going to go,” I say, walking over to him. “Violet is tired.” I hold Violet’s hand as evidence.
Violet, to her credit, doesn’t say anything. She looks bored, which for a kid, is close enough to tired to get away with my lie. I assume she’s playing along so her dad doesn’t suspect she’s having popcorn for dinner.
“Okay, sweetie, I’ll see you at home,” he says, bending at the knees to give her a hug before looking at me. “I’ll see you too?” It comes out as a question. I don’t know what he can see on my face, but I know that he sees something.
“I might be asleep by then. I’m kind of tired.” Another lie. I need to leave quickly before the truth accidentally comes out.
He looks disappointed. “You okay?” His focus is sharp, and I struggle to not recoil immediately.
I don’t want him to see through me. Not here. Not now.
“Yeah, yeah.” I sigh. “It’s just a long day… for her of course.” I try to shield my face from his view with my hair. The less he can see the better.
Sean nods his head, but doesn’t say anything else, accepting my excuse.
“But you stay. It is your team, you should have a good time.” I give him a tight smile and walk away without looking back. I don’t want to stay and risk more questions.
For that reason, I can’t relax until the elevator doors open and Violet and I are able to head towards the doors. Even then, it takes stepping outside for the relief to wash over me.
Violet doesn’t question any of it. For the first time, I really appreciate Violet’s silence. It gives me time to process what’s just happened.
I told myself not to fall for him. Tears prick my eyes, but I refuse to cry over a man I barely know. This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t care this much over a man I’ve kissed twice.
I feel my phone vibrate as I drive but I don’t dare check it. There is no good outcome here. I shouldn’t text and drive. I shouldn’t be looking forward to Sean’s name on my screen. And I definitely shouldn’t get sad if it’s not his name.
So I keep it locked away in my back pocket as I exit the highway. Every move Sean makes from this point forward will serve as judgement for his feelings and I’m afraid that I’m going to come to one conclusion: he regrets me. Or if he doesn’t now, he will.
I can’t live like this. I refuse to be constantly looking for ways in which I’m not good enough for him. God. What was I thinking?
That’s the problem. I wasn’t.
I turn left into our neighborhood, rubbing my thumb over the steering wheel.
Maybe after tonight, after some sleep, this’ll all blow over. If this is who he is, if I’m one of many, then it won’t be awkward for him. My presence won’t affect him at all. So all I need to do is get it together, and I can pretend like nothing ever happened.
One of many. I wish I could cut the thoughts from my mind.
I don’t blame those women. They’re right. I don’t mean anything. How could I? We’re strangers. And I’m convenient. I’ll be forgotten.
There is a knot in my throat that I swallow down. But it grows in my stomach, making me feel sick. I need to get home.
I think the going to bed early part might not be a lie after all.