38. Astrid
When the doorbell rings, I swallow the bit of bile that creeps up my throat. The new nanny. I take a steadying breath before I open the front door. God, I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. I smooth my hair and practice my smile. It’s not her fault this is happening, I remind myself. I don’t want to take it out on her.
I muster all the positivity that I can as I grip the doorknob.
“Hi,” I greet her with what I hope is my most cheerful tone. “You must be Silvia. I’m Astrid.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Astrid.” Silvia shakes my hand with a firm grip.
I take in the woman’s appearance. She’s normal, older than Sean by at least twenty years, with a wedding ring on her left hand. Not someone hired to replace me in his life. I hate to admit, but a part of me was worried that Sean wanted someone… different from me. Like maybe this was all because I wasn’t what he wanted anymore.
“Come in,” I say, opening the door wider for her to follow inside.
I feel guilty immediately. I haven’t prepared anything for her in terms of Violet’s schedule. I was too busy worrying about Sean. In my head it had become this whole thing. In my experience, when a guy says that they’re not able to have a relationship, it means something entirely different. But with Sean, it appears that he was telling the truth.
Which makes me a terrible person, because I was ready to judge this woman that I’ve never even met before. And no matter how disappointed I am in myself, I still can’t help the bit of relief that washes over me.
“This is a beautiful home,” Silvia says as I lead her through the foyer.
“It really is. Everything is nice and open. That’s the hall to the garage,” I say, pointing towards the door.
“What’s that other door?” she asks.
My home.“The basement.” I keep moving. “So here’s the kitchen and the living room, obviously.” I look around us. “Over that way is the theatre room.” I point to the right.
I watch her mouth the word ‘wow.’
“I know, that was my reaction too.” I try to stop the memories from playing across my mind. “And upstairs is Violet’s room, and the spare bedroom.” I shift back and forth. “I think Sean mentioned that you could keep some of your personal things in there for when you stay over.”
Silvia nods. He’s clearly communicated this to her already. She follows behind me as I move into the kitchen.
I guess she won’t live here like I did. Maybe because she’s married and has her own life. Or maybe because I’ve scared him off live-in nannies for life.
“Okay, great. So, uh, are you moving anything in today or..?” My voice trails off. I tap my fingers against the countertop, regretting how awkward I feel.
“No, no,” she says. “Just stopping by. I don’t officially start for a few weeks.” She looks around, seemingly admiring the room. “I can’t stay long, I just wanted to pop in.”
Right, right. I think Victoria’s parents are helping a bit more. I heard Sean mention something like that on the phone the other night. Not that I was listening to him or anything. He made it clear that we’re done, and I can accept that.
Or I will. Because I have too.
I clear my throat. “Would you like anything to drink?”
“A water, please.”
I grab a glass from the cabinet. Silvia looks exactly like my own grandmother. I smile as I set down her drink. She kind of has the same demeanor too. It’s kind of sad that I’ll never get to know her.
“Have you worked here long?” she asks me, looking over the top of her glass.
“A few months,” I say, shrugging my shoulders. “I’m a teacher, I just needed a little extra income.”
She folds her hands and rests her chin on her fingers. “I’m sorry you had to do that.”
I swallow down my feelings. “It is all right. Violet is a wonderful kid. It’s been a pretty easy job, to be honest.” I smile, knowing that it doesn’t reflect in my eyes.
“You’re sad to go.” She doesn’t say it like a question, more like an observation.
“Yeah,” I fake a cough when the tears sting my eyes. “Yeah, I’m going to miss Violet a lot. She’s very sweet.” I look over at the fridge and see the family portrait still hanging. It feels as if it cleaves my heart in two.
Silvia reaches out to hold my hand. “Your first family?” she asks kindly.
“Yeah.” I swipe at the tears I feel behind my eyes. Dammit. I told myself I wouldn’t cry.
She gives me a reassuring squeeze. “It never gets easier,” she sighs. “They start to feel like family. That never goes away.”
I nod my head silently, too overcome by emotion to respond.
“Well, I should be going,” she says, setting the glass down against the marble countertop and standing. “I’m glad I stopped by today and got to meet you.”
“Me too,” I say as I follow her to the door, wiping the tears from my eyes.
“I know I we don’t know each other,” she says, pausing at the door. “But if I can give you some advice?”
I nod my head, afraid that if I speak, I won’t be able to hold everything in.
“It always works out how it is supposed to.” Her hand clutches mine. “Give it time.”
I hear the mechanical whir of the garage door opening. Sean must be home.
My stomach drops.
“Well dear, that’s my sign. I’ll leave you alone.” She gives me one last squeeze.
I give her the biggest smile I can, but my cheeks are strained from the heaviness of my eyes.
She understands, giving me one last look before walking out the door.
A part of me wants to run away with her. Wherever she’s going is better than here. Maybe we can start this whole thing early, switch places, pretend that I’m already gone.
I close the door gently behind her, stealing myself as I walk through the foyer. There is no point in succumbing to my emotions in front of this man. It’s not like he’s going to change his mind, so I won’t give him the satisfaction of thinking that he’s important while I mean nothing to him.
I make a deal with myself. I tell him I’m leaving, and then I’m going to go downstairs and try to never see him again. My willpower can’t take any more close encounters with him. It is difficult enough to have the conversation we’re about to have without adding the looming threat of more.
“Astrid,” Sean says at the same time I say his name. He huffs a laugh, leaning his shoulder against the wall. “No, you first,” he says, looking relaxed.
I taste bile. “I found an apartment,” I say the words as quickly as I can, as if getting them out will fix the way I feel right now.
“Oh.” His eyebrows knit together, but he doesn’t speak. His reaction tells me that this isn’t how he was expecting this conversation to go.
I sigh, a part of me annoyed, another devastated. How could this have gone any other way? After all that’s happened. This was his decision after all, not mine. He put all this into motion. After he rejected me. And all he can say for that is, oh?
I should’ve known better.
It’s like a punch to the gut. I cross my arms against my chest, holding myself for comfort as the tension builds between us, and it seems like neither of us is going to speak first.
I don’t want to talk to fill the space. I’m not sure I have anything left to say. My heart already took too much. How much more can I give him?
“You’re… you’re happy?” he asks, his throat bobbing.
I don’t know what to say. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. I’m not his sympathy case. So instead of telling him the truth, or all the things I planned to, I lie. “I am.” I swallow.
“Well.” He takes a deep breath. His eyes flickering over my face. “That’s all that matters then.” There’s finality in his words.
I nod my head. I don’t offer any details. There is no point in holding onto hope. I need a clean break. “I’m going to go to sleep.” I point my thumb at the door. “Good night.”
“Good night.”
I close the door behind me, disappearing into my room without a second look.