Chapter Twenty #3
Is it really that easy? I try to think of what my mother would say if I came to her and said ‘hey, Mom, I’m in love with Jesse and we’re going to get married and have two point five babies. Cool with you?’ What would she say? How would she react?
I lean back in my chair and stare absentmindedly at my salad. “Do you think that our parents have talked about this?”
“Maybe.”
Maybe. Maybe. But they’ve never brought it up. Why would they? They probably didn’t want to let us entertain the idea if it didn’t come up already.
I poke at a piece of lettuce and frown. “My mom has…hinted at things. Asked me questions that felt a little pointed. But I never thought she was directly talking about you.”
Okay, that’s a lie. Sometimes, I wondered if she was referring to him. She never name-drops him though. I think she wanted me to come to her with my feelings. No thank you. I love her. We’re close. But there are some things I’ve been afraid to admit.
Like how I’d snuck out of the house at thirteen to go to my first boy-girl party and got my first kiss from a boy two years older than me.
In hindsight, I had no idea he was fifteen.
He was the brother of another kid there, and I thought he was cute.
Somebody dared us to kiss, and we did. It was sloppy and a little awkward, and he tasted like marijuana because he’d just passed a joint around, but it wasn’t terrible.
Or the night I’d lost my virginity at sixteen when I lied to Mom about having Casey, my best friend at the time, come over.
She was used to us having sleepovers, so she didn’t question it.
She told us to have fun. Except, it wasn’t Casey that stayed in my bed that night.
It was her cousin Corey. I didn’t have some big thing for him, but he was cute.
We flirted on and off and he made his interest known.
Casey mentioned to him that my mom would be away, on her first weekend getaway with Jesse’s dad, and that we should hang out.
So, we did. Only our planned movie night turned into a make out session that turned into…
more. Next thing I knew, I was half naked and he was struggling to get the condom on.
I had a panic attack the next morning when he slipped out the window, worrying that Mom would have some sixth sense and know I’d had sex.
She didn’t.
She had no clue.
There are some things we don’t talk about. It’s odd. For someone who wants grandbabies so much, we never really talk about how they’re made. Because who wants to know that their kid is having sex? I wouldn’t.
Blowing out a breath, I brush off those thoughts for now. “So what do you think we should do?”
Jesse thinks about it for a second. “I think we should figure out what we want first and enjoy that for a while. Just us. Then, when we’re ready, we can tell them.”
It’s a logical plan. A good one. “I don’t want to lie to them either,” I admit, nervously rubbing my thigh with my hand.
“I know we’re technically not. But if someone at the photoshoot leaks that we were…
friendly, then they could find out some other way.
I mean, you’re always rumored to be dating some hot celebrity athlete or supermodel.
I swear, every month it’s said you’ve knocked someone up or proposed.
If they see an article that I’m your girlfriend, who knows if they’d believe it or not. ”
I blanch, realizing what I referred to myself as. Are we labeling this? Do adults in their mid-thirties have boyfriends and girlfriends?
“Sorry,” I apologize quicky. “I didn’t mean to say that I’m your g-i-r-l-f-r-i-e-n-d. I just mean—”
“Belle,” Jesse says with a light laugh. Damn.
I’m rambling. And spelling things again.
I need to quit doing that. “I know you better than I know anybody else. I know your favorite color is yellow, although you’ll claim it changes based on your mood.
You say chicken if your favorite food because it’s versatile, but it’s really pizza for the same reason.
You hate cauliflower for no real reason—”
“It has no taste!” I defend.
He keeps going without pause. “You love watching reality TV because it’s mindless entertainment and you rarely get to shut your brain off otherwise.
You love owning businesses and serving communities, but you stress yourself out trying to be as perfect as possible.
Which, by the way, is impossible. Hockey and football are your favorite sports, but you’ll choose ice hockey out of loyalty for me and my career.
I know how much you used to be obsessed with Drew Brees and would probably trade your lifetime season passes for our games for just one night with him. ”
I don’t even have the decency to feel bad because that’s true.
So, I nod. “You can keep going if you want, but I get the point. You do know me better than anybody. Although Mom probably knew the Drew Brees obsession too. I did have his poster on my wall. She claimed I used to kiss it, but I never went that far.”
His lips twitch into a partial smile. “I’m sure you can list just about everything there is to know about me too.
Even things I don’t realize you know. And, over time, we’ll keep learning little things about each other.
What I’m trying to say is that what we have feels like more than just your typical girlfriend-boyfriend thing.
But if you want to label it that, I’m down.
If you want me to ask you, I will. Because for a very long time, maybe even longer than I realized, I’ve wanted that.
I’ve wanted you. You already know you’re mine, and I look forward to the day everybody else does too. ”
A tingling sensation spreads through my arms and legs and settles into my fingers and toes.
Warmth probably makes my cheeks pink, but I do my best to combat it.
We’ve spent a lot of time pretending like these feelings didn’t exist. We skirted around them and acted like we were family and that was it.
Hearing him admit he’s thought of me as more only cements the truth I’ve always known.
“This is not just a one-time thing, Belle,” he informs me, a note of seriousness in his tone.
“I will never get you out of my system. It’ll never be that easy for me.
You’re engraved into every piece of me and have been for as long as I can remember.
What I feel for you, and what I’ve felt for you, is a never-ending factor. ”
If we weren’t in the middle of a restaurant, I would kiss him. I would do a lot more to him. Because this man has a vice grip on my heart that will never loosen, and I don’t want it to.
Eventually, I find myself nodding as I fight back tears. Happy tears, of course. “You know how to make a girl sappy.”
All he does is smile softly. “I mean it.”
“I know you do,” I whisper, taking a deep breath. “All right. We’ll take it day by day. Together. We’ll find the right time to tell them…”
Tell them what?
The truth, I guess.
That we love each other.
As more than stepsiblings.
As more than friends.
Jesse’s hand slides over the tablecloth and cups mine, rubbing his thumb over my skin. “It will be okay, Bells. I promise.”
I believe him because he’s never lied to me. But that doesn’t make the fear dampen any less within me. The unknown is a scary place, but it would be even scarier without him by my side.