Chapter 13
Arizona
Standing before the floor-length mirror in the primary suite, I smoothed my sweaty palms over the skirt of the white maxi-dress I decided was bridal enough for a beach wedding.
I still couldn’t believe I’d actually agreed to marry Levi Nixon, the same man who made a vulgar statement about oral sex during our first date—if you could even call it that. And I hated that I couldn’t stop wondering how his cocky persona would translate to the bedroom.
No, Arizona. Stop that right now. The minute you agreed to take his money, it took sex off the table.
Right. I couldn’t afford to fall back down that hole. No matter how incredible it felt to wake up with his strong body pressed against mine from behind a few mornings ago.
I would never admit it, but I’d allowed myself to revel in the pleasure of his touch for exactly thirty seconds before forcing indignation to take over.
Levi could never know that orgasms were the only high I allowed myself these days—I needed to get off multiple times a day in order to satisfy the cravings, and the limited privacy that came with living in his house and sleeping in his bed had put me into a state of withdrawal.
If he ever uncovered that secret, it would be game over; he’d use my weakness against me to get what he’d wanted all along.
I was struggling to resist temptation as it was; if he poured all his focus into seducing me, I would be powerless to say no.
A year under the same roof, legally bound, was a terrible idea. Why was I doing this again?
The humph from the scowling teenager sprawled on the sofa quickly reminded me of the answer to that question.
I turned to face him. “What’s got you in a mood? I thought you liked Levi.”
Austin glared at me. “Mom should be here.”
Exhaling heavily, I said, “This isn’t real.”
He shook his head in disgust. “Ever since you locked her away in that facility, you pretend like she doesn’t exist.”
“That’s not true.”
“You never let me visit!” he yelled. “She’s my mom, Arizona.”
My eyes slammed shut, a fresh wave of pain crashing over me.
“Austin.” My voice cracked as I uttered his name.
“I’m doing everything I can to protect the image you had of her before she got sick.
Glimpses of the woman who raised us are few and far between.
More than half the time, she doesn’t recognize me, and I leave with a new crack in my heart. I don’t want that for you.”
Standing, he folded both arms over his chest. “I don’t care if she remembers me or not. When I get there, I’ll just tell her stories about us together until she does.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him it didn’t work that way. If he pushed her too hard, she’d get upset, potentially aggressive. The first time I’d witnessed it, I sat in my car and cried for an hour. I couldn’t imagine what it would do to Austin.
The doorbell rang, and I was quite literally saved by the bell.
“That’ll be either the officiant or the witnesses. Can we table this conversation for now?”
Austin grumbled something under his breath, likely cursing the day he was ever placed in my custody, as he moved toward the bedroom door. Opening it, he paused on the threshold, looking back.
“I’m really disappointed in you.”
His words acted like an arrow shot through my chest.
My list of regrets was a mile long—so many things I wished I could go back and do differently—but letting Austin down would always rest at the top. He was the most important person in my world, but every time I thought we were making progress, I went and did something to fuck it up.
All my efforts to bring us closer were probably in vain anyway, when every day, I carried a secret that loomed over my head, like a guillotine ready to fall.
If he ever found out, he would never forgive me.
The whole ceremony was a blur. I vaguely recalled Austin walking me “down the aisle” toward where Levi and Maisie stood on the beach, the officiant saying words and me repeating them like a robot, then the chastest of kisses.
Despite Levi’s lips barely brushing against mine, the brief contact was enough to have my toes curling in my sandals, highlighting the reality that if I didn’t get off soon on my own, I would probably mount the man in my sleep.
After a dinner of grilled steaks with roasted red potatoes and asparagus on the patio, Levi and his teammates-turned-witnesses started a fire on the sand before a bottle of sparkling grape juice was popped for me and the kids, and bottles of beer were cracked open for the men.
Now, those of us gathered sat around the dancing flames, the crash of waves in the distance providing a soothing soundtrack.
But all I could think about as the bubbles from my drink danced across my tongue was how I would have killed for it to contain alcohol.
The day—the situation—stressed me out so much that I was tempted to just say fuck it, and raid Levi’s liquor cabinet.
But I knew from experience that one sip would turn into a whole bottle before I went in search of something stronger.
I was forced to remind myself that the cravings would never fully go away, no matter how much time had passed, but giving in to them would derail my whole life, and that was something I refused to let happen.
Mind over matter. You can do this.
Hauling in a cleansing breath, I trained my ear on the chatter between my new husband and his friends.
They were going on about something to do with hockey—I would be the first to admit I knew absolutely nothing about the sport—when Crew, the identical twin brother of my former client Cole Astor, stopped mid-sentence, addressing me.
“I’m sorry, but you look really familiar, and I can’t figure out where we’ve met before.”
His brother nudged him with an elbow. “She was my realtor, remember?”
Crew shook his head, narrowing his eyes as he assessed me. “No, it was definitely somewhere else.”
Immediately, my heart began to race. There were far too many men in this city who had seen my tits or felt the heat of my pussy grinding against their hard cocks, and the thought of my two worlds colliding—let alone having to explain myself to Levi—was beyond terrifying.
Please don’t let him figure it out. Or better yet, please don’t let him have seen me dance at all.
I plastered a brittle smile on my face. “Maybe you’ve seen one of my ads on a park bench or on the side of a bus stop.”
He frowned. “Maybe . . .”
Mercifully, Crew let it drop, but I wasn’t na?ve enough to believe that, at some point, he wouldn’t remember where we’d crossed paths in the past. I could only pray it was limited to him slipping cash in my G-string and he hadn’t paid for a lap dance, or worse, some private time in one of the back rooms—the mere thought made me sick to my stomach.
I was about to excuse myself from the “celebration,” needing a minute to get my head on straight, when Levi caught sight of Cole dumping half the contents of his bottle onto the sand, and teased, “Dude, you’re wasting good beer.”
His teammate lifted the glass container toward the sky before draining what was left. “Had to pour one out for Russ. It’s tradition, since we know he’s watching.”
Levi cocked his head. “Who’s Russ?”
“Bennett Russell,” Crew supplied.
“Oh, right, I’ve noticed the memorial stall in the locker room with his nameplate and jersey. Didn’t realize you guys knew him before he passed, since he never got to play for the Surf after being drafted. Brain cancer, right?”
Cole nodded, a sad smile tugging at his lips. “Glioblastoma. They found it after he took a bad hit to the head in juniors. Ten months later, he was gone.”
“Shit,” Levi hissed. “Can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a teammate like that.”
“He was more than a teammate,” Crew interjected. “He was practically our brother.”
Chuckling, Cole said, “Our mom used to joke that she went to the hospital to have twins and left with triplets.”
“Oh.” Surprise lit up my husband’s features. “So you go way back.”
“To the day we were born,” Cole confirmed. “Our moms met in the nursery. I was born at 1:12, Russ at 1:13, and then Crew at 1:14. The nurses got a real kick out of the fact that we were all one minute apart.”
“That’s how you got your numbers.”
“Bingo.” Crew winked. “We did everything together. First day of school, learning to skate, and even getting drafted by the hometown team.”
“And that’s why we stay with the Surf no matter how bad they are,” Cole explained. “Because it’s where Russ is. We can’t move on and leave him behind. It doesn’t feel right.”
“Ah.” Levi inclined his chin. “I couldn’t figure out why both of you turned down offers from other teams when you made it to free agency, but I get it now.”
“Look on the bright side. The only way to go from here is up.”
“I’ll drink to that.” Crew lifted his beer, and the men toasted what they hoped would be a change in their fortune.
Feeling like an outsider, I stood from my chair. “I’m gonna go make sure the kids are settled in bed for the night. You guys keep enjoying the evening.” To the twins, I said, “Thank you for coming.”
They all wished me good night, and I hightailed it to the house, in desperate need of a date with the detachable showerhead.
It wasn’t the most conventional wedding night, but at least the bride was guaranteed an orgasm.