Chapter 12 Alone
ALONE
Cici
“You’ll warn me before you start trying to make me an auntie, right?” I ask Lily over the speaker while I fix my dinner. Apparently, Sebastian’s getting antsy about popping out some babies.
“You’ll be the first call I make. I’m still not sure it’s good timing, though. I want to start trying, but I want to be a stay-at-home mom, and my job is going so well.”
“Loving your job is great, but Lily, you don’t have to work.
Sebastian has more money than God. You could always have kids and pick up your career when they’re older.
It’s better to be young parents, I think.
Then you’re more active and done early enough to enjoy the rest of your life.
” Wow, listen to me—the voice of reason.
Weird, considering I’m not even a kid person.
“Yeah. That makes sense. I wonder if I should get my IUD out and surprise him for Valentine’s Day next week.”
“That would be so sweet. You should totally do it.”
“Oh my gosh, he’d be so excited.” I can hear her smile through the phone. “He’s been asking me for months, but I think he finally gave up the other day when I told him he was stressing me out. He literally won’t have a clue. Eeek! Consider yourself officially warned. I’m having a baby.”
I laugh. “I hate to break it to you, but you have to make one first.”
“Hello? That’s the best part.”
I laugh but ignore the comment, being severely deprived in that department. “I can’t believe I found out before Sebastian. You just made my day.” I clap my hands in excitement.
“You’re so funny. Speaking of making babies, regarding the making part, are you back in the saddle yet?” The question isn’t new, but I figured she was tired of asking and hearing the same answer because it’s been a while—apparently not. At least I had a short reprieve.
She’s been concerned since New Year’s. When she called the next night after getting an earful from Sebastian about his brother’s mood, she listened to my sobbing for an hour until Poppy came back over after bringing me home from the airport earlier and relieved her.
Okay, so counseling was a brilliant idea, which I started the week I returned.
Not that I’m any different than I was a month ago, but I’m more optimistic about overcoming my irrational issue with relationships.
Apparently, I have a disorder called gamophobia—an actual fear of commitment.
My counselor picked up on it right away from hearing me speak about leaving San Diego and the family business along with my experience with Eli and past dating habits. We’ve been delving into it since.
I’ve considered dating again, but Eli takes up too much space in my brain to spend time with anyone else.
I’m working up to it, but until then, I should probably make up something so she’ll stop worrying and asking every time we talk.
Though knowing my luck, it would probably backfire and make things worse.
It’s always better to stick to the truth.
“I’m getting closer. A guy from the office has been asking me out, and I’m considering it.” It’s not a lie. A newer agent has been asking, and I did consider it… for all of two seconds before I said no.
“That’s good. You should, even if it’s not someone you’d normally go out with. At least get your feet wet.” I can hear the relief in her voice.
I’m terrible for embellishing. Liars never prosper. Or is it cheaters? Oh, fuck, neither come out ahead in the end.
“I’m swamped right now. It’s ski season, so a ton of buyers are coming to town.”
“Yeah, yeah, and then it’ll be spring and then summer, and you’ll always be too busy. Just go on a coffee date at least. Pleeaase? For me?”
Shit. She’s pulling the big guns out now. When did she learn to use my tactics and turn them around on me? But maybe she’s right to start small. A harmless café for an hour to get the ball rolling.
“Fine. I’ll do coffee.” My eyes roll even though she can’t see.
“Yay! That’s all you need. One test run to prove you’ve still got it. I can’t wait to tell Mia I talked you into it.”
“You guys should not be discussing my love life. Jackson doesn’t need to hear that.”
“He doesn’t, don’t worry. Oh, but listen to this, Mia said Jackson’s been hinting at marriage again.
I think she’ll say yes this time.” My brother asked Mia to marry him the minute she came home, but she said no, that she wanted to live together for a while first. Hearing they might get engaged is like a punch to the gut.
Not that I wouldn’t be happy for them, but at the same time, it’s a stark reminder of what I gave up and so far out of my reach.
“Wow. Jackson hasn’t said anything. I hate not being in the know.”
“Move back, then. We miss you.”
“I miss you too. Come visit me this summer,” I say, ignoring her suggestion and offering one of my own.
“We should. Let me talk to Sebastian about it and check when we could come.”
“You’ve got my hopes up now, so you have to. Tell me as soon as you talk to him. But I’ll let you go so I can call Jackson. He better spill.”
“Cici, you can’t tell him I said anything,” she says frantically.
“I won’t. Promise. Call me when you decide on a date to visit. Love you.”
“Love you more. Bye.”
My mind is spinning as I dial Jackson. If that brat was planning to propose and not tell me, he’s in for it. But how do I draw it out of him without giving up my intel?
“Hey, Cici. What’s up?” Jackson answers.
After a few minutes of work talk and chitchat about the parents, I find a perfect spot to lead into it. “How is having Mia’s mom so close? Is it weird?”
“Not at all. She’s a sweetheart. We honestly don’t run into her all that often, being on different floors. But we do have frequent dinners together.”
“Sweet. How about Mia? Everything good? Is living together all you hoped it would be?” He told me she was at her mom’s, which means he can talk freely.
“I love it. We wouldn’t have moved this fast if she hadn’t been gone all that time, but now that we have, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. It’s crazy.”
“I’m happy for you. I guess when you know, you know, right?” Could that be any more leading or what? I’m not liable for my actions if he doesn’t say anything soon.
Lucky for me, he takes the bait. “No doubt, which is why I’m asking her to marry me. I’m planning something big.”
“Wow. That’s great. You mean you won’t throw it out in bed one night?” I love giving him shit about the first time he asked her.
He laughs. “Not this time. It’ll be something memorable, I promise. You’re the first person I’ve told, and I’m keeping it under wraps so she has less chance to catch wind of it. I want you to be a part of it. Will you come back for a weekend to be here when I do it?”
Oh shit.
“Jackson, I’m up to my eyeballs with work. I’ve got clients looking for property and quite a few under contract. I don’t think I can make it anytime soon.” While none of that was a lie, it’s not the entire reason I’d like to avoid it.
“That’s okay. Tell me when you can, and I’ll set a date. Like I said, it’ll take a while to figure out, and I really want you to be included, so can you make it happen?”
“Uhhhh, let me look at my calendar.” I pull it up to look how far I’m booked out and what closings are coming up.
“I don’t think I can come until the first week in April.
” I feel bad it’s so far out, but at the same time, just thinking about going back makes me sick to my stomach, but maybe by then I’ll have a different mindset.
Eli and I haven’t spoken or exchanged a single text since I left.
A clean break was probably best for both of us, but leaving the way I did still haunts me.
I snuck out like a coward before he woke up and never said goodbye besides the note I left.
The last night we spent together was so emotional and life-altering that I couldn’t bring myself to face him before walking away.
Part of it was embarrassment at my reaction at the end of the night, which took me by surprise, and part of it was the impact that final moment had on me.
I wish there was a quick fix to my issue with commitment, but no such luck.
And until I work it out with my counselor, I’m conflicted by my decision.
“First week in April it is. No rush, but tell me when you book your ticket. And thank you, Cici. You keep pulling through for me. One of these days I need to return the favor. We’ve never talked about you and Eli, but I’m here if you need me.”
“We didn’t and we won’t. I’m not interfering in your friendship. Besides, there’s nothing to talk about. We had some fun. That’s all.”
“Then you’re right, we won’t talk about it, because the only thing I have to say to that is that you’re full of shit. But if you ever decide to have a real conversation, call me. Just remember, I’m your brother and I’ve got your back no matter what. Got it?”
“Okay. Thanks, Jackson. I love you.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
As much as I enjoy a good gossip sesh, I have no more brainpower for one, so Poppy will have to wait until tomorrow.
After sending a quick text, I run upstairs to draw a bath before locking the front door and fixing a cup of tea to end the night.
As I sink into the steaming hot water scented with my favorite lavender salts, my body instantly relaxes.
Absorbing the silence of my life, I stare at the orchid, brought with me from San Diego, that sits on my bathroom counter.
One tear falls, followed by another, then another, until they begin to spill in earnest. Soon, my body is shaking as tears turn to sobs.