Push

31. She Battled Her Memories

She Battled Her Memories

Gwen

I hopped out of the taxi, my eyes glued to my phone.

Ian

Talk to me. I miss you. Can’t stop thinking about you xo

Unsteady, I jerked to a stop on the sidewalk. The problem was, I couldn’t stop thinking about Ian, either.

Over my career, I’d been confronted with the crimes of evil men, but cornered, alone in my kitchen, my naivety had been my downfall.

Marnie had warned me. Life should’ve been the biggest warning of all.

And at night, when my eyes drifted closed, the whispers in my head reminded me on repeat: It was all your fault .

Weakness like that could never happen again. I needed to end this.

Gwen

Don’t ever contact me again.

My trembling finger jabbed the block button.

I stowed my phone in my bag, and with a carefully practiced facade of indifference, I stood tall in front of the doorway.

This wasn’t any old venue. It was The Red Room. The entrance was inconspicuous, nothing but a set of narrow stairs leading up, up, up to the city’s most notorious strip club.

I’d marched up those stairs for the first—and, I’d thought, the last—time when I was barely twelve.

Two bouncers had chased me, hollering about me being underage.

No shit. It wasn’t a social visit. Elias had slipped up and mentioned my brother worked there.

Well, not for long. I’d dragged Liam out by his ear.

Why couldn’t he get a job at a fast-food joint like every other teenager we knew?

No one chased me this time.

I strode through the club, almost choking on the cigar smoke curling in the air, but with my head held high and my heels clicking across the scuffed wooden floor. I waved off the waitress who insisted I needed to wait.

“Mr. Crawford will see me now, or not at all,” I replied.

Liam only smirked when I tossed the pile of paperwork at him.

He looked more than comfortable as he lounged back at the head of a velvet-lined booth filled with mafiosos dressed in fine suits pretending to be legitimate businessmen.

Did Liam know? Would he care? I glared at every last one of those men even though all eyes except my brother’s had dropped to the table.

“Temper, temper,” Liam cooed. “I warned you this might happen.”

I leaned over his shoulder to keep our latest war of words between us. “ This is where you sign up new clients?” My skin crawled just looking at the stains on the velvet lounge.

“I thought you might enjoy a trip down memory lane.”

“You thought wrong. I’m two seconds away from dragging you out of here like I did the last time. Explain to me why you choose to do business here.”

“Look around.” Liam waved his hand absently at the haze before scribbling his initials at the spot my finger pointed at. “The decor may be a touch outdated, but my client and his charming business associates have hardly noticed. I believe men quite enjoy leering at the sight of a half-naked woman.”

“ Some men,” I pointed out. “ You haven’t glanced at a single one.”

“Shh, clever Gwen,” he murmured. “You’ve always noticed too much.” He pushed the paperwork across the table to one of the shadowed strangers. “Keep that our little secret.”

Whatever the hell that meant.

Liam inclined his head. “Something else is bothering you.” His eyes swept over my face as if some clue would be revealed. “Is the dentist misbehaving?”

“No.”

“Who then?”

“No one.”

“Who?”

“Just… His business partner… It’s…” I gnawed on my lower lip. “Complicated.”

Liam drummed his fingers on the table, staring at me for an eternity. “I see.” He snatched the signed agreement and shoved it at me. “Run along now and leave me to my debauchery.”

“Gladly.”

A battle-hardened lawyer strode out of the club, but the little sister in me desperately wanted to cling to Liam and drag him to safety. That part of me knew the truth.

My brother hadn’t battled any of his demons. He was as broken as ever.

With an extra-large emergency coffee and the signed agreement in my hands, I headed up the driveway to the house.

Usually, when I arrived home, Toby wandered over and chatted about his plans for the day. Today, he was too distracted to notice my heels clicking across the driveway. He hung beside his car. The passenger door was wide open, and his hand was braced on the roof as he scowled down at… something .

I snuck up behind him and tapped his shoulder.

He shot ten feet in the air. “Oh, hey!” He scrambled to grab a cardboard box off the front seat and slammed the car door as if he couldn’t shut it quickly enough. “Back from the city already?”

“Uh-huh. Liam needed an agreement signed.” Leaning over, I peeked into his box. “What you got there?”

“Just a couple of things I needed from the hardware store.” Toby squared his shoulders, chin held high, and proudly declared, “I’m fixing the side gate today.”

“Cool.” It was. That rusty old thing had never shut properly—one of the many joys of buying a house with “nostalgic charm.” I craned my neck to see how much junk he needed to fix a gate. A lot, apparently. “Don’t you have a hundred screwdrivers already?”

“Uh, I did.” Toby rubbed the back of his neck.

“You sold all my tools at the yard sale. But!” He rummaged around in his box, and a second later, he stuck a screwdriver in the air.

“This one’s even better! Check out the cushioned grip, doll.

” He rolled it around for me to examine the handle, but I didn’t know what to do except smile and nod. “No more blisters!”

“Blisters, huh?” I hid my smile by taking a sip of my coffee. “Couldn’t you just wear gloves?”

“Gloves?” He scoffed. “What am I? A delicate princess? Please .”

Two hours later, I had an elated Toby—who confirmed with waggling eyebrows that he, in fact, had no blisters—and a closing gate.

He made me test it. Twice. Then, he scouted the house for new ways to keep busy.

It was as if he was scared that if he ran out of ways to be useful, I’d send him back to the apartment.

I hadn’t yet.

Having Toby around at night was easier. Whenever I heard Noah fuss on the baby monitor, by the time I peeled back the sheets and stumbled half-asleep to the nursery, Toby was already there.

I got used to long showers and having an extra sleep-in after my grizzly baby had his morning feed.

Then, there were the impromptu brunches with Marnie and the afternoons where I sat out back worrying about nothing except enjoying my coffee.

Things weren’t back to normal. This had never been our normal. This was better.

And the saddest part was that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so happy. I had to live through one of the worst nights of my life to feel like half a person again. I hated that more than anything.

But I couldn’t keep looking behind me to remember what Toby and I could have been, only who we were now. And we were… good .

We were so good that I caught myself humming as I floated around the kitchen later that night, choosing nibblies to arrange on the wooden charcuterie board for our first hangout in over a year.

Marnie wasn’t sure what to make of the new version of me. She sat on the kitchen stool, her jaw on the floor.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m better than okay. Noah’s thriving. My second week at work is done and dusted, and as an added bonus, I haven’t murdered Liam yet.

” I stuffed another few wedges of cheese on the board.

You could never have too much cheese, right?

I stepped back to give my masterpiece a final check.

“Mar, what do you think—more olives? Oh! I almost forgot.” I rushed back to the pantry. “I’ve got these amazing gherkins.”

Marnie made a face like she wasn’t excited about the gherkins. She should be. I wasn’t kidding about how amazing they were.

“Toby got them for me at the market.” I held up the bottle. “Look. They’re teeny! Adorable and yummy. I’ve gone through two jars already.”

Marnie’s eyebrow arched. “Are you sure you’re okay? Has working for the blond guy finally broken you?” She jabbed a paint-stained fingernail at the vase of white roses on the counter. “Or is he the one spoiling you with all the flowers?”

“Oh, those?” I waved her off because it was no big deal. “Toby got those.”

Frowning, she opened her mouth, about to say something, but she was interrupted by Toby’s call from the living room.

“Pizza’s here!”

Carefully, I edged the charcuterie board off the counter and was rushing out to the living room when Marnie’s hand darted out to catch my wrist.

“Are you sure about this?” she asked.

I rolled my eyes. “It’s just nibbles and board games.”

“No, it’s not. It’s you and Toby being you and Toby .”

“It’s not—we’re not—” I cleared my throat, but it was like a rock was wedged so deep I couldn’t get any more words out.

Were we acting like we were a couple again?

Maybe.

Hosting nights like this was something we used to do. We’d have friends over, serve too much food and booze, kick everyone’s ass playing games, and laugh all night until we fell into bed together to celebrate our victory. Toby liked winning. A lot .

“Gwen, he’s basically living here again. We’re hanging out on a Friday night like we used to, and you’ve been dancing around this kitchen humming like a dude who got laid for the first time.” She frowned at me, but she wasn’t angry, just worried. “Are you taking Toby back?”

My gaze dropped to the board. It was the safest place to look. I wasn’t sure if the answer to her question was yes, but I wasn’t sure it was a hard no, either. I bit down on my lip.

Marnie sighed. “Look, I love that big knucklehead. We’ve been friends for a long time, and I know he’s a great guy.

But none of that changes the fact he cheated on you.

I’ll support your decision no matter what, but don’t take Toby back just because it’s easier.

He’ll be great with Noah if you aren’t living together.

Hell, he’ll probably still come around and fix up the house.

He’s just that kind of guy.” Her tone serious, she rested her hand on my shoulder to really ram home her point.

“Be selfish for once and protect yourself, okay? Promise me.”

My smile was shaky. “Promise.”

I propped the charcuterie board on my hip to get a free arm around Marnie’s shoulders.

This was definitely the time for a hug. She squeezed back and then smacked my ass to get me moving out of her way.

She scooted off the stool, and the bottle of red wine and two glasses disappeared off the counter on her way out the door.

Toby was flipping open a pizza box when we wandered into the living room. “So, ladies, what’s our game of choice tonight?”

Marnie slid the bottle of wine onto the coffee table. “I’ll defer that question to my lawyer.” She flicked two coasters next to the bottle, and the glasses landed on top.

Toby’s grin only got wider. “An excellent strategy.” He reached over to take the charcuterie board from me.

For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but he jerked back, and flustered, his cheeks darkening, he eased the board onto the coffee table.

“Looks like you get the honor of picking the first game, doll.”

I crouched to check the stack of board games Toby had piled on the floor. My eyes lit up. I saw the perfect choice hidden at the very bottom. “Clue!”

Toby threw his head back and groaned at the ceiling. “Pick any other game but Clue . Literally, no one has ever beaten you.”

“All the more reason to play,” I teased.

His puppy dog eyes turned to Marnie. “Mar. Please . Veto?”

“No way! I have a shot at winning for once.” She flopped onto the couch. “The undefeated duo is no more.”

The room went dead silent.

My heart was stuck somewhere in my throat. Toby didn’t move, his gaze pinned to his feet. Marnie was only joking around, but the finality of those words hit like a freight train. Was that what I wanted?

Her eyes darted between the two of us. “Sorry,” she grumbled. “Hey!” She smiled up at Toby as she pointed at the empty glasses. “Can I pour you one? It’s a ’95 Shiraz.”

“Oh, um…” He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “No, thanks. I quit.”

“You… quit… ?” Marnie couldn’t process his words. She was horrified.

“Uh, yeah, I stopped drinking… after…” Toby’s shoulders sagged as he turned his pained gaze to me. “I don’t drink anymore.”

Marnie wasn’t buying it. “Didn’t you go out with the hot guy with glasses for a beer last night?”

“I got a soda water,” he admitted quietly.

Awkward tension fizzled around us, and no one seemed sure what to say to make the situation less uncomfortable.

“You guys were a lot more fun before you decided to grow up and have a kid,” Marnie grumbled.

“Oh, well, all the more for me!” She grabbed her glass, poured too much wine, and gulped a mouthful.

“Too bad Ian’s not here. Say what you will about the man, he certainly knows how to enjoy himself.

He’d have his greedy mitts all over this. ”

My veins turned to ice. I dropped the cracker I’d just loaded with cheese. My hand shook. No. My whole body shook.

I tried calming the frantic thump of my heart with a sharp reminder that Marnie didn’t know.

We’d put her in an unfair position. She was only trying to ease the tension.

Another part of my brain—the broken part—wasn’t playing the rational game.

Buried thoughts crept from the dark places I kept them safely hidden.

“I, um…” I shook my head and tried to force my mind away from the past. My stomach flipped. It was no good. I was there. With Ian. Pinned against the wall. His breath on my neck…

“Gwen!” Toby strode around the coffee table, worry creasing his brow, heading for me, but he wasn’t quick enough.

I jumped off the couch and bolted for my life.