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44. She Went All In

She Went All In

Gwen

Noah yawned, his mouth stretching wide like a tiny kitten. His head lolled against my chest, eyes drooping, and with his belly full again, he stuffed his thumb in his mouth, ready for sleep.

Toby perched on the edge of the bed, watching, careful to avoid my eyes. It wasn’t hard. The bedroom was dark. Only shadowed patches of moonlight etched silver lines here and there. Complicated feelings were safely hidden again for now.

“Want me to take him back to his crib?” Toby asked.

“No.” My voice was hoarse. I cleared my throat, but it was dry, and the tightness in my ribs only ached more. My eyes stung, too. Raw. Everything felt raw. “Not yet.”

How long had I cried? An hour? Two? Would I have stopped if Noah hadn’t woken up? Maybe not. A lifetime of tears had poured out of me after reading through the pages Toby had written for me.

A hollow burrowed in my chest. Toby had been lonely. I’d been lonely. We’d lived under the same roof with the answer to our problems in the next room—each other—and yet, we’d struggled for months without saying a word. Being in love was so easy, but we both had a lot to learn about being married.

How much pain could we have avoided if we’d just talked to each other? Shared more? Taken risks? Why was everything always so hard?

“I didn’t think it would hurt so much,” I whispered.

Toby’s head hung low. “I’m so sorry, Gwen. I can’t imagine how hard it was to read all that.”

I patted the spot beside me on the bed. “Can we talk about it?”

Toby scooted along the comforter until he sat against the headboard. He held out his hand but hesitated, eyes questioning. He wanted to know if it was okay to be so close.

I nodded, and he curled around me, hooking a heavy leg over mine, twisting us together, and resting a gentle palm on Noah’s back.

My chest swelled like I’d flung the windows open and filled my lungs with fresh spring air.

Light. Just for a second. We used to snuggle like this when Noah was born.

I’d missed the quiet moments together, and somehow, it felt safer to talk this way.

“Kayleigh’s infatuated with you,” I whispered.

Toby snorted. “Good luck with that.”

“Maybe you liked it a little? All the attention?”

“Nah. Look, I won’t lie. I love it when you give me compliments.

That time you told me I did a good job installing the new letterbox—oh, yeah , that’s the stuff.

” I could almost hear his chest puff with pride.

“It wasn’t the same with Kayleigh. I had to stretch the old gray matter to remember what she’d said.

Her compliments kinda went in one ear, maybe registered for a second as ‘What the hell?’ and then flew out the other side. ”

“It hurt to read about the kiss.”

Toby’s head popped back up. He braced his elbow on the pillow, looking down at me. “I’m sorry.”

I gulped. “You said you liked it…”

“I liked feeling wanted.”

“No, I mean… If I’d kept reading… Physically… ” I gulped. “Did you… like …kissing Kayleigh?”

“Are you sure you want me to tell you?”

“Yeah.”

Toby breathed deeply, like he wasn’t sure it was the best idea.

“The actual kiss… Physically, nope. After the two-second high of someone showering my fragile ego with a bit of attention, yuck. All wrong. Honestly, the worst kiss ever, and I’m including the time in Bali when you drunk kissed me after puking your guts up from those bad clams.”

I grimaced. “No kiss is that bad. You must have liked it… a little. ”

“Remember when we took NoBo to the zoo, and we bought ice cream cones? We thought he’d be super cute and take a little lick, but instead, he grabbed it with both hands and tried to shove the whole thing in his mouth.”

I laughed. “Yeah.”

“That’s how Kayleigh kisses. It felt like she was trying to suck my skin off my skull. It was…” He grunted a noise. “Capital G for Gross. Zero likes. Many regrets.” His hand cupped my jaw, his thumb soothing against my cheek. “So many regrets.”

“What if she’d been a good kisser?”

“Gwen, it wasn’t about kissing. What I wanted— needed —was you . And, just so we’re clear, no one in the world could kiss me like you do.”

“You like the way I kiss?”

Toby leaned over, his warm breath tickling under my ear.

“I fucking love the way you kiss.” My heart thumped faster.

He used his growly voice. He nipped my neck but then pulled away, bracing himself on the pillows, and rested his hand on Noah’s back again.

“And one day, if I win you back, maybe you’ll put this rusty old knight out of his misery and bestow a few of your… favors. ”

I snorted a laugh. “You’re such a dork for this stuff.”

“Yup, but only for you, my fair Lady Gwendolyn. Your knight got a bit sidetracked acting like a selfish dumbass, but I never wanted that spoiled brat lazing around in the tower. I’ve only ever lusted after the warrior queen battling in the forest. She’s the one I want slaying the dragons with me.”

I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. “Toby…” But secretly, I was smiling.

“The warrior queen’s brave, but— wait!” He grinned against my temple.

“She’s also so damn smart she’s come up with ten different plans for us to defeat the dragon without even drawing our swords.

So, we beat the dragon in record time, bundle up the cute prince, and head to the beach instead.

” He sighed. “Now that’s a happy ending. ”

“You’re a big goofball, you know that?”

“I believe that’s one of the few things you like about me.”

“Hey—don’t say that. There are heaps I love about you.”

Toby dipped his chin in a slow nod. He was quiet. Too quiet. No jokes. My comment had hit him in the chest. Maybe I hadn’t told him enough how important he was to me. I’d been so stuck in my own problems that I’d forgotten he needed me just as much as I needed him.

“I wish I’d told you more,” I admitted.

“You didn’t need to—”

His words faltered into a choked cough when I planted a kiss on his cheek. It broke my heart to see how wide he smiled.

“One of the hardest parts about reading your notes was how lonely you felt,” I said.

“Some of that was my fault. I know I pushed you away and kept everything I was going through to myself. Sometimes it was because I thought you’d launch into fix-it mode, but sometimes…

” I blew out a slow breath. “Sometimes, it was because I was scared you’d see…

you know…the real me.” I whispered, “I’m not always a warrior queen. ”

“I know,” he whispered back, as if he didn’t want anyone to know my secret, either. “Why do you think I act like such a fool sometimes?”

My eyebrows shot up, but he only smiled.

“You get stuck up in that big ol’ brain of yours,” he said.

“You start workshopping a thousand problems, and you get this frown on your face. And sometimes, it’s good when you frown like that…

Like when you solved the riddle of the overcharged water bill…

And sometimes, it’s not good… Like when you think I won’t love you just because you’re not a prosecutor anymore. ”

The fresh sting of tears clawed at my tired eyes. I cradled Noah closer, burying my cheek in his fuzzy blonde hair. I didn’t want Toby to see me fall apart again—not about this.

Toby touched the corner of my mouth. “There’s that frown again.

This time, you’re workshopping fears.” His fingers disappeared to run along my jaw instead.

“Gwen, it’s taken me some tough therapy sessions and nights of soul-searching, but I understand where I went wrong now.

What happened wasn’t because of something you were missing.

Something was missing inside me . I took the easy road. ”

“Don’t shoulder all the blame. I wasn’t perfect, either. But we need to start moving beyond that. If we keep rehashing old ground, always looking to blame…” What? We didn’t move forward? Did I want to move on? Try again? Butterflies danced in my stomach. Did I want that?

His hand drifted to my arm. “Alright…” A gentle stroke reassured me. “If you’re mixing new info into your big ol’ brain, add in there that I love you no matter what. Jobs don’t matter—”

“You say it doesn’t. It does. If I’m not enough…” My breath hitched. “What about the next time a pretty dental assistant smiles at you?”

“Kayleigh’s not pretty. Not to me. And no more assistants.”

I snorted. “You can’t just say ‘no more assistants,’ like that’s your fix-it-mode solution. You’re a dentist.”

“Okay, you pick the next assistant.”

“Toby, be serious…”

“I’m deadly serious. If that’s what you need so you can trust me and not get stuck in your head when I’m at work, then you say so. I’ll hire anyone you want. Another dude. Some old duck about to fall off the perch. You name it. If you need me to give up being a dentist, I’ll do it.”

“You love being a dentist!”

“I love you—our family—a thousand times more. No comparison. Dentistry is a job. You’re my life.

” The pillow rustled as he scootched closer to rest his forehead against mine.

“Gwen, I want us to start again. I want ten thousand days, like I said in my letter. But can you choose me? Not one foot out the door, ready to end it any second. Really choose me? I want you to be all in with me.”

I frowned. “Toby, I don’t know—”

“Yeah, I know. Your lips told me before you even started talking. I know I have to put in the work. In fact, I’m kinda planning on it.” He grinned. “I wish to court you, my lady.”

“You…” I pulled back and took a good look at him. His eyes shone with mischief even in the low light. “What?”

“You heard me.” Toby wiggled his eyebrows.

“I’m going to take you on dates. Hold your hand.

Spoil you.” He gently patted Noah’s back.

“NoBo’s cool. He’s my bro. He can hang out sometimes, too.

My only condition is you have to be yourself, and I will be, too.

Oh! And we have to keep talking and being honest with each other. Do you have any conditions?”

I gnawed on my lip. Not cheating on me again… That seemed like a no-brainer. My thoughts spun. But there was more, wasn’t there? The reason Toby had wandered off in the first place. The constant burning fear that I wasn’t… enough.

“Unless…” Toby’s brows drooped. “You don’t want to choose me?”

I touched his cheek. “I’m scared.”

“Me too.” His smile was tight. “I’m scared I’ll mess up again.

Not the cheating. That’ll never happen. But the talking…

” He grimaced. “I’m still not great at it.

I’m scared you’ll realize you can do better than me.

Or you’ll realize I’m not a knight and just Toby, the dumb guy whose own family never even liked him.

Except Tanya… Sometimes…” His eyes darted, and he laughed, but it was a nervous laugh. “Hopefully. Why are you scared?”

“Because I’m…just Gwen.” And that won’t ever be enough. For him. For anyone.

“I’ll have you know I fell madly in love with Just Gwen .”

I tried to bite back a smile, but it still peeked through. “And I fell in love with Just Toby. ”

He didn’t bother trying to hide his smile. He beamed brighter than the moon shining through the curtains. “You…love me…now?”

I nodded.

Another huge smile broke across his face. “Even when I’m being an idiot?”

“Especially when you’re being an idiot.” I pecked a fresh kiss on his cheek. “What about me? Do you love me even when I’m moody and stuck up in my head?”

“Especially then because I get to be an idiot and make you love me all over again.”

“Toby…”

“Choose me. Us. Please.” Emotion choked his voice. This was brave. It meant a lot. Everything. “Give me another chance. Officially. On the record. Lawyer style.”

“I…”

Flickered images from our past swept into focus.

Special moments only we’d shared—the ones written in his letter but so, so many more.

When I squeezed my eyes shut and imagined a future, I wanted to race after all the moments still waiting for us.

Not just politely nodding to each other at school functions while we lived in separate houses—lives together.

I took a deep breath. Declaring my choice was like jumping off the Blairgowrie Jumping Rock all over again, but I wasn’t dreading it this time.

My smile was genuine. “I choose you.” My words were clear and firm. This was it. No going back. I soared off the rock, hope rushing like wind in my hair, the abyss waiting below suddenly less scary. “I want to give you one last chance.”

Toby winced. The words—the finality of a last chance—weren’t missed. “That’s all I’ll need.”

“It’s all you can have. I can’t go through this again.”

“I’ll never give you a reason to doubt me. I’m all in. Even if you didn’t choose me, I was all in.” His solemn expression didn’t last long. A small smile tugged at his lips. “Now, my lady, will you seal your promise with a kiss?”

I arched an eyebrow. “A kiss, huh?”

“Mmhmm.” He waved his hand about. “None of the sexy kisses you used to give me. A chaste kiss, if you will, my lady. I won’t have you corrupting my virtue.”

I rolled my eyes but was smiling when I leaned forward until our noses touched. I hovered for a moment. Toby didn’t rush me. He was so very still, waiting for me to take the lead, not the usual way we danced in the bedroom.

My heart fluttered from the anticipation of kissing him again after so long.

I brushed my lips over his, a faint gasp of excitement escaping before I softly kissed him.

A shudder skated down my spine to my toes.

I couldn’t resist another press of my lips on his.

Toby groaned. I started pulling away, but his big hand cradled my cheek to keep me close.

His warm, minty breath fanned in short gasps close, so close, to my mouth.

“I’ve changed my mind,” he murmured. “Give me the sexy kiss. Show me what I almost lost—still could—if I don’t treat you right.”

That would be easy. We were good at sexy and stormy. But the second chance wouldn’t be easy. We couldn’t complicate things before we even started. I shook my head and pulled back. He groaned, but this time with disappointment.

“Sorry, Sir Knight.” I grinned. “You’ll have to earn your sexy kiss. Perhaps at the end of our first date?”

Toby laughed. “Love it. Deal!” He kissed my cheek. “No backsies!”

He snuggled around me, his leg twisting around mine, and his hand patting Noah’s back.

His nose nuzzled my neck, and he whispered, “Thank you, Gwen.”

And just like that, for better or worse, I was all in.