Chapter 51
~Riley~
Hudson’s family is staying at the same hotel as the skaters, and Sutton takes me there after she touches base with his parents.
They speak in low murmurs, their words inaudible but the worry on all their faces clear.
When she comes back to me, Sutton plasters a smile onto her face that’s much too brittle to be convincing.
She’s obviously worried, and that makes me even more worried.
“Let’s go to my room,” she suggests. “It’ll be more private.”
“Is Hudson…”
I trail off, not even sure what I want to ask. Is he okay? Is he upset with me? Is he with Blake?
My feet refuse to move until I get some sense of what’s happening.
Reading the desperation in my face, Sutton relents. “Mom had the team leader go into his room since he wasn’t answering his calls. He’s asleep, and we figure it’s best to let him sleep for now.”
I nod, swallowing down the worst of my fear. He’s safe.
That leaves only my second-biggest fear still unaddressed. “Was he alone?”
From Sutton’s wince, I can tell the answer is no, and my knees go weak.
My whole body sways, and Sutton’s eyes go wide as she wraps an arm around me to keep me upright.
“No, no, no. Nothing like that, Riley. Don’t even think it.
There was something there; Blake, I guess?
But she was just sitting in one of the chairs.
She said he passed out as soon as they got back and she was keeping an eye on him to make sure he was okay. The team leader sent her away.”
The certainty in her voice helps to ground me, and I suck in a deep breath. Sutton’s right; I shouldn’t even think it. Hudson wouldn’t do that.
But my mom’s voice still lingers in the back of my head too, reminding me that everyone has secrets.
When I feel steadier, we head up to her room, and Sutton makes us both a cup of tea.
As I wait, I glance around at the non-descript decor, which could be anywhere in the world.
So many important moments for me in the last few months have taken place in hotel rooms. Maybe being at a competition heightens every other emotion too, and that’s why things tend to blow up when we’re away from home.
Handing me the steaming cup of tea, Sutton takes a seat on the bed next to me.
“My dad is going to call Hudson’s therapist. Hopefully, she can speak with him and head off whatever relapse he’s experiencing.”
I recognize all the words she’s saying but I can’t make sense of them in this context. Somehow, I know she’s not talking about his regular sports psychologist. “What therapist? What relapse?”
Sutton chews her lip as she weighs how to respond. “Ideally, Hudson would be telling you about this, and I know he planned to, but given how he looked today… well, I think it’s better that you just know.”
My skin itches with all the nerves running riot underneath. “Know what?”
“Hudson had a girlfriend in high school. Has he ever mentioned her?”
The words seem so completely unrelated to what we were just talking about that I can only blink at her for a moment, trying to reconcile the change of subject.
“Uh, yeah. Once. He told me a previous girlfriend used to have family dinners at your house.”
“Yes.” Sutton breathes out the word in relief, obviously glad to find some common ground as a starting point. “That’s her. Her name was Sophie.”
“Okay.” I nod to confirm I’m following, even though I still don’t see a path from Hudson’s high-school girlfriend to that glassy, vacant look in his eyes today. “Were they serious?”
“I don’t think Hudson knows how to do anything half-way,” she points out, and we share a quick smile of understanding. “So, yeah, they were serious, but as Hudson’s skating started taking up more of his time, they spent less time together. Not because he wanted to, but out of necessity.”
I nod again, knowing exactly how much time training can demand.
“That summer, Hudson went away to a training camp in the States. He was gone for a month, and during that time, Sophie stopped doing much of anything. She didn’t come over for dinner anymore, even though she was still invited, and when I tried to visit her, her parents said she wasn’t feeling well.
She barely even spoke to Hudson. It took a while to figure it out after he got back, but eventually, the doctors diagnosed her with depression. ”
My heart immediately goes out to both this girl I’ve never met and Hudson himself. Knowing the type of guy he is, I can guess how much he would have struggled with not being able to make things better for her.
“Hudson did his best to be there while she tried out different medications, but he still had to keep up with his skating. For another year, every time he went away for a competition, things seemed to get worse. Fans were discovering him, and although she was happy for him, it made her feel inadequate too. Like he would be better off with someone ‘easier’. She tried to break up with him at Christmas the following year, but Hudson wouldn’t consider the idea at all. ”
My stomach tightens as her frown deepens. Those lines on her face predict something worse than just a high-school breakup.
“In January, he went to his first senior Canadians, and while he was away, Sophie…”
Sutton pauses and inhales, bracing herself for the next words.
“She took her own life.”
My heart trips, and a small, strangled gasp chokes its way out of my throat. “Oh.”
Sutton nods, acknowledging the surprise and pain in that single word. “Hudson didn’t find out until he got home. She called him at the rink right after he skated but didn’t say anything, and that was the last time he heard from her.”
Oh my God. This is so much worse than I could have possibly imagined, and I can’t believe he’s never even hinted at it. In all the time we’ve known each other, all the hours he spent helping me deal with Trevor and Evelyn, he never once mentioned this.
Did he think I couldn’t handle it? Have I been too focused on myself? My chest squeezes painfully tight as I remember all the times I pushed him away, worried about my pride and broken heart, when he had gone through something like this.
How shallow could I be?
Sutton’s eyes close, her brow etched with a lingering pain that Hudson must feel a thousand times over. “There’s more to the story, obviously. He can tell you the rest. But that’s who Sophie is, and that’s why it threw him so much when he thought he saw her in the crowd this weekend…”
“What?”
The one-word question comes out as a squeak, and Sutton grimaces.
“Yeah. He kept seeing a pink coat that looked like one he gave her. I saw it too in the stands today. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know she was on his mind, and I can only assume it triggered something for him.
He carried a lot of guilt for a long time.
Therapy helped. It’s been four years and he’s been in a good place, so I don’t know why it’s coming up now… ”
She trails off there, but I can fill in the blank by myself. What changed in his life recently that might throw him off?
It must be me.
They all have secrets, my mom said, but I could have never guessed what Hudson’s would be.
“Is he okay? Truly? I mean, he’s not going to hurt himself or anything?”
“No,” Sutton quickly assures me, giving her head a firm shake. “He just kind of withdraws, like we saw today. He’s there but not there. He shuts down and he sleeps. His therapist will talk to him, and he’ll be okay with a little time and space.”
Time is the one thing I don’t have a lot of right now. “I’m supposed to go back to the airport in three hours.”
She gives me a sympathetic grimace. “Honestly, I don’t think he’s going to be ready to talk before then. We’ll keep an eye on him, I promise, and I’ll keep you updated.”
The message is clear: Go home, Riley. There’s nothing you can do here.
Trying my best to fight back the overwhelming feeling of helplessness, I reach out and take Sutton’s hand. “Thank you for telling me all of this.”
“Hudson might be mad at me for telling you,” she admits. “But I didn’t want you to think his reaction today had anything to do with you. It really doesn’t.”
As much as I wish that were true, the ball of lead in my stomach says otherwise. It whispers that if it weren’t for me, Hudson would be doing just fine.