26. Chapter 25
Psycho
“Good to see you back in the common room, brother,” Venom says as he sits beside me at the bar, and I nod nonchalantly.
I wasn’t really given an option. Blade said he has an announcement, and he also thinks being here will help me with my memories but so far, nothing, fucking zilch and if the clubwhores keep trying to slide up against me, I’m going to flip.
They know I have lost five years of memories, and they know they are slowly returning, but they are also hoping to get me in the sack before my memories return.
When I was twenty-three, I fucked as much as possible, my mind and body solely on Ivy and at the time, I knew she wanted to leave. Or so I thought she did. I didn’t want to pull her back so I got my needs from elsewhere knowing we couldn’t cross that line.
I pick up my water and take a sip.
Whenever I think about her, about how she isn’t here, I know more went down between us than anyone is willing to let on until I remember.
I feel frustrated when I think of her, conflicted, a feeling I’m beginning to believe I felt before I was shot but also love, so much fucking love but I’ve always felt that towards her, way before I should have so maybe my minds just fucked up and I’m making shit up in my head.
“She’s just trying to give you space, brother,” Venom says, and I shake my head and look at him, and I ask, “And why would she need to do that?”
He looks away, and I scoff. He won’t tell me, none of them will, and it is beginning to piss me off.
“I’d like to see one of you lose your memories,” I mutter, and Venom chuckles before I wince, pain like no other flitting through my head.
“You mother fucker!” Venom shouts as I walk out of the hallway with a lollipop for Tate, and a fist hits my face, catching me off guard.
I grunt as I bang into the corner of the wall, my ribs taking most of the contact, before Venom grabs my shirt, brings me forward, and smashes me back onto the corner before his fist hits my face again.
I squeeze my eyes shut and groan a little, my head thumping, and Venom quickly grabs my shoulder and demands, “What’s wrong, what happened?”
I shake my head and rub my hand on my forehead and mutter, “You sucker punching me without talking to me and my head throbbing.”
“Fuck,” he mutters then quickly adds, “I apologized for that shit.” I smile slightly not able stop it especially as he says, “I-I uh, you know what I’m going to go find my sister and get her to come talk to you, this whole giving you space, shit, it isn’t needed, you keep getting flashbacks.
I agree with your Mama, Ivy being near you is one way to get you whole. ”
That said, he knocks on the bar top and goes to leave but pauses when Blade walks in and demands, “Venom, where in the fuck are you going?”
He replies, “To find Ivy before he decides he wants to hit me for my sucker punch.”
The brothers laugh, and I half smirk, but I soon smile softly as Blade says, “Well, maybe announcing my girl is pregnant with twins, no less, will make him change his mind about hitting you...”
The brothers cheer as Luna walks over to a grinning Anna, who takes her in her arms with tears, a scene which is really good to see as Blade gets bombarded by the brothers while my dad comes over to me.
“When did you get back?” I question as I watch everyone congratulate Blade and fuck me, I am so happy for them.
I remember all the shit Luna went through, the pain of aborting her baby, not knowing if it was Blade’s or her rapists, and the fact her pregnancy will be high risk, they deserve this, they deserve all the happiness in the world.
“Right before Blade made his announcement, which I know Ivy will be upset about missing,” he says as Blade walks over and cuts in, “Luna told her. She called after you, and Jessica left her.”
I look at my dad with confusion and ask, “You saw Ivy?”
He nods sadly and admits, “We wanted to try and convince her to come see you.”
Yet, they came back alone, hurt flitters through me.
Maybe everything is in my head, or maybe I’m just making stuff up with what I want to believe.
“You have plans, Cupcake, big fucking plans that don’t involve me. Friends is all we can be because I refuse to hold you back, I refuse to push this life on you when you deserve the world. While yeah, I think last night shouldn’t have happened, I don’t regret it.”
I flinch at the sharp pain in my head, and Blade quickly asks, “Are you alright?”
I clear my throat and nod but flinch and mutter, “I think I need to go lay down.”
My dad quickly stands and states, “I’ll take you back to your house.”
“Keep me updated, Pitbull,” Blade says with worry and I grip his shoulder and mutter, “I am so fucking happy for you, brother.” He nods, his eyes still shining with concern, and I walk past him, my dad helping me, gaining the brother's attention.
“Fuck, is he alright?” Cannon asks with concern, and Dad mutters, “Headache,” and continues walking towards the back door.
As we pass Luna, I press a kiss to her head, and she gives me a watery smile before I continue my path, needing quiet.
“Here, son,” Dad says, and I look up and grab the glass of water from him, muttering, “Thanks,” before taking a sip.
Fuck…
My head is throbbing, it hasn’t stopped since Dad helped me in my home, and I refuse to take the medication.
The more I take it, the less the memories come back and I fucking hate it.
“Talk to me,” Dad pleads as he takes a seat on my coffee table. I swallow hard, not knowing how to form my words, and my head feels like it’s going to burst.
“We slept together,” I finally say, “more than once,” I look at my dad and his face has gone stoic, trying to hide his reactions but I continue, “More than one night and I’m beginning to believe we slept together the night Misty tried to shoot her,” I take a deep breath.
“Clara owed us money….”
“Her payment was her daughter.”
“Clara sold Ivy to the Gillies,” I mutter, Hayden standing before me clear as day shitting himself and dad curses, “Fuck, you’re remembering, keep going, son…”
I squeeze my eyes tight, my head spinning.
“Ivy, Sky, and I have been friends for a long time,” Raya confesses, then adds, “We’re also close to Lake.”
“She and Raya are friends with Skylar, none of us knew,” I mutter, nausea hitting me.
“She’s getting fucking married!”
“Ivy was getting married,” I continue, blinding pain shooting through my head and chest…
“She said she had cancer…”
“Clara told her she had cancer, and she didn’t trust me enough to explain to me the situation, it hurt me, no, no, it fucking destroyed me because I didn’t know how to move past the loss trust….” I choke and I grab my hair and groan at the dizziness, the throbbing hurting….
Fuck me the room is spinning.
“I love you, Jax.”
Her whispered words are so loud and so clear but are they fucking real.
“Son, don’t force it,” my dad whispers and I growl, standing in frustration, ignoring the nausea and shout, “ But if I don’t then nothing will come back and you won’t fucking tell me, the club won’t tell me, and Ivy is keeping her fucking distance!”
I shake my head and turn around and I croak, “We’re not friends with benefits, I’d would never go for that, I love her too fucking much to disrespect her like that, not after years of being best friends.”
“Son,” he begins, but I turn around and ask, no, I plead, “Tell me it’s not all in my head. Tell me I’m not imagining her telling me that she loved me, please, Dad…”
His eyes water seeing the pain building, the confusion and he admits, “You know I can’t tell you, son, you need to remember on your own.”
I scoff, “I don’t even know what is real and what isn’t anymore, Dad. How is that helping me?”
I turn around again, unable to look at him, knowing I’m going to take my anger out on him. I admit, “I’m getting flashbacks of wanting her when she was sixteen, Dad, and I-I, that can’t be right…”
“Jax, look at me,” he demands gently, and I turn his way, my eyes tearing up.
I feel like a fucking mess.
She was sixteen, fucking sixteen, there is no way I wanted her then, it’s not right.
“Hear me when I say this, Ivy has always been yours, just like you’ve always been hers, and I understand your frustration. I can see it, I can see your pain and confusion, but never doubt even at sixteen, she was yours,” he says, but I shake my head and remind him, “I was twenty, Dad!”
Dad smiles and reminds me, “And I was twenty-one when I met your mother and fell head over heels in love with her. She was also sixteen and lied to me about her age, but despite finding out the truth, I couldn’t walk away.
Age is just a number, and you never touched her until she hit past her twenties.
You never took things past the friendship line despite your feelings, so stop beating yourself up. ”
I swallow hard and turn, grabbing my head again as more pain throbs through me.
“Well, we better change that then, shouldn’t we?!” Misty sneers.
I flinch, the bitch naked holding a gun at Ivy clear as day and I groan as more pain filters through me and I know I need to find Ivy. I need her…
I need answers, and honestly, I have this compelling urge to hold her in my arms and never let her go.
“Son?” my dad says as a knock sounds at my door and I swallow hard, trying to ignore the bile and walk over to it, ready to tell whoever it is to fuck off because I need to find my best friend….
I need my girl.