Chapter 40
Camryn
Ifeel Caelum’s presence behind me and hear his pleas echo in my mind. I try to slide up my mental shield, but my mind burns with such fury that it’s hard to focus on much else.
Please, Camryn, wait. Please let me explain.
I’m practically running up the stairs to my room, and by the time I reach the door, Caelum’s long stride has caught up with me. I turn to slam the door in his face, but he places his hand across the door frame.
I look at it, considering how bad it would hurt if I closed it in the door.
His gold-flecked eyes gaze at me. “It wouldn’t feel great, but I’d survive. If it will make you feel better to hurt me, please do it. I deserve it.”
I scowl at him. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I pause, scanning his face that fills with sorrow. “We’ve been alone for days. You fucked me, and yet you still didn’t tell me. Why, Caelum?”
His face falls along with his gaze and despite the rage I feel, my chest clenches.
He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. I thought I was protecting you. You don’t deserve to have this forced on you. I wanted you to have a choice.”
“But I don’t have a choice, do I?”
He sighs and meets my gaze again. “You have a choice. It just won’t be pleasant. But if you wish not to be near me, I will respect your decision, no matter how much it hurts me. I just don’t want to see you weaken.” His eyes slowly slide down my body and I shift on my feet.
I lean against the edge of the door. “Has all of this been a ploy to get me to fall in love with you? To let me believe I was choosing you even when it’s not possible?
” I think about our time together and how much I’ve enjoyed spending it with him alone in the palace. Bile rises in my throat at my naivete.
He shakes his head. “No, I never tried to trick you. I wanted to get to know you more, and for you to know me.”
“But what does it matter? The feelings I have for you are predetermined, are they not?”
He straightens. “Have you always cared about me? From the moment we met, did you even like me?”
I think back to when I first laid eyes on him as he flew me in his arms. I remember thinking he was beautiful. And when he would visit me in the early days of my arrival at the palace, it would fill me with comfort, but I haven’t always liked him. Haven’t always desired him.
I look back at his eyes, and he nods. “Our connection may have been written for us, but the feelings I’ve developed for you over the past three months are real.”
My heart beats loudly in my chest, and I sigh, pulling open the door. “Come sit down. I’m feeling dizzy.”
He looks at me with concern but slides past me. I latch the door and follow him to the bed. When he stops at the side, I almost run into him. “What are you doing? Sit down.”
He turns to look at me. “On the bed? I didn’t know if you wanted me so close.”
I roll my eyes. “What are you going to sit on the floor like a child? Fuck, Caelum, we’re having an argument. I don’t want to lob your dick off.”
I slump onto the bed, loosening my hair and rubbing my temples.
Caelum’s gaze softens, and he lowers onto the bed beside me. “When did you know?” I ask as I stare at the bedcovers.
“When you spoke in my mind. Only mates can do that.” His voice is deep and low.
I nod my head and look up at him. “Caelum, I care about you. I really do. But how am I supposed to feel to know that the person who brought me here—the person who had a choice to do the right thing, like what you did for Mei—didn’t choose that for me?
And then you told me you’d look after me, but it turns out you’ve been keeping such an immense secret that impacts my life.
How am I supposed to feel about being paired with someone like that? ”
I scoff and run my fingers through my hair. I can’t help but laugh. “It actually makes a lot of sense. I’ve always had the worst taste in guys, so maybe it was foreshadowing for what I’d end up with.”
The hurt on Caelum’s face is apparent, and I feel a twinge of guilt. It’s not entirely his fault, but there is no one else here to be the target of my anger.
“So what now? Are we supposed to live happily ever after? Stand together on the battlefront and die for one another?” I glare at him.
His jaw clenches. “You will not die for me. And you don’t have to choose me. But, given that the bond will punish our physical and mental wellbeing if we deny it, I’d prefer to stay in your presence until after the battle, for your sake. After that, you may choose to never see me again.”
I chew on my lip. The thought of never seeing Caelum again makes my heart race. That’s clearly not an option. But a little space might be a good idea.
He rises from the bed. “I’ll leave you alone tonight. I’m really sorry, Cam. I’m sorry I let you down.” He slips out the door faster than I can tell him he didn’t let me down. I just need time to process my thoughts.
Not a minute after Caelum has left me in silence, there’s a soft rap on the door. I turn my head to see Rory peek around the door. “Can I come in?”
I nod.
She crosses the room and, as soon as she reaches the bed and wraps her arms around me, I burst into tears. She hugs me tighter. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
I sob on my friend’s shoulder, though I don’t know what I’m most sad about.
Maybe it’s the fact that our lives will never be the same and sometimes I wish we were just back in her apartment watching shitty rom-coms. Or maybe it’s because any hope I had at finding my biological family has been snuffed out and I will never truly know where I came from. Who I came from.
But I think I cry hardest because I allow my mind to hear the words my heart has been telling me for weeks: I love Caelum.
I’m in love with him. And learning that the Cauldron divined us together makes my heart soar and my mind fracture.
Because everything I said to him is true.
How can I love someone who condemned me to this life? What kind of person does that make me?
I quiet my tears and strain to hear if his voice comes through the bond. It doesn’t.
I pull back from Rory and wipe my face. “It looks like you picked a great time to come.”
She huffs a sad laugh. “I wish I would have come sooner.” She arches a brow at me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I sigh. “How about while I take a bath? I feel like I’m tied in knots.”
She smiles, filling me with the warmth only a best friend can deliver. “Of course. Let me get it started for you.”
She flitters off to the bathing room while I trudge to the wardrobe. I discard my clothes and pull on a satin robe, not letting my eyes linger too long on my hollow cheeks and pallid skin. I look like shit.
I briefly wonder if my condition will worsen if I deny the bond with Caelum like he said. Ugh.
I slink into the bathing room as Rory hops onto the counter opposite the tub. It smells heavenly of lavender and the warm, moist air clings to my skin.
“Thank you,” I say to Rory. She smiles at me and shifts her gaze as I drop my robe. I know she doesn’t like the state of me either. I make a promise to myself to eat more and do whatever I can to get more sleep.
The water pulls me into its caress, and I practically moan as my muscles relax. My eyes drift shut and my head rests against the back of the tub. For a moment, I forget about Rory’s presence.
Her voice echoes through the room, making my eyes jolt open. “How are you feeling about Caelum?”
I sigh, my eyelids heavy. “It sure adds a whole extra layer to this complicated mess.”
“Yeah,” she replies, keeping her watchful gaze on me.
“I don’t know. If I’m being honest with you, I really like him, love him even. At least, that’s how I felt until about an hour ago.”
“And now?”
My gaze lingers on the water. “Now, I still fucking love the guy, but I’m pissed as hell that he kept this from me because he thought he was protecting me.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up.”
I gasp at Rory, my mouth curving into a grin. I fucking love it when she cusses.
She chuckles. “I know he betrayed your trust, and I don’t want to excuse his behavior, but I think he really loves you, too.
I’ve felt something about him since I met him.
A connection I couldn’t explain, but this makes sense.
His bond with you is plain to see. And I think he’s just trying to figure things out, too. ”
I take a deep inhale. “Yeah, it all makes sense to me now, too. I just wish he’d told me and I didn’t have to hear it from Arc’s slimy mouth in front of everyone. I feel like a fool.”
She frowns at the mention of Arc. “I know. But don’t feel foolish. It’s not like we were handed an instruction manual when we fell through the portal.”
I laugh. “What These Fae Fools Fail to Mention 101.”
Rory laughs, warm and free. I needed this. I needed her. My bitterness sinks beneath the surface as I take a deep inhale. When I leave the water’s embrace, I promise myself to allow the resentment to flow down the drain. It isn’t serving me well.
Dressed and feeling like a new person, me and Rory return to the dining room arm in arm. Everyone sits around the table, dinner being served by silent wraiths that returned with Arc.
Caelum’s eyes lift to me and I give him a lop-sided smile. His chest rises and I slip from Rory’s arm to walk to his side. He gapes up at me.
“Let’s just chalk this up to a blip on our frenzied timeline,” I say down to him.
He runs his tongue over his bottom lip and I see into his mind that it’s taking all his restraint not to leap up to kiss me.
I grin at this newfound power I seem to hold over him. I’m not above making a man beg.
He bites back a grin. I forgot to mention how incredibly lucky I feel to be blessed with such a commanding mate.
You’re damn right. I flash my lashes at him as he takes my hand and pulls it to his wet lips.
Arc audibly groans in disgust, pulling me back to reality and eliciting a growl from Caelum.