Valentina
Ispend the next few days with Cassian poring over old pictures and videos, as well as my old notes from before I disappeared, in the hopes that simply talking and existing around these people will unlock something within me that will unlock something without needing to go deeper.
But there’s no such luck.
Every day I try, and every night I crawl into bed next to Diego and lament about how my thoughts and memories aren’t matching up to what I’m feeling.
He cuddles me close and comforts me so gently that it’s hard to believe he’s still here.
Every day I step away to study these things, I fear he’ll decide this is too much for him and he’ll just leave.
I don’t want that.
Whatever parts of me exist to be reconnected in my mind, I don’t want to lose what I’ve found with him, this safety and warmth that continues to bloom in my chest every time we’re together, a deep satisfaction that no matter what, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
He’s my rock.
And I think I’ve fallen in love with him.
Every time I entertain the idea of telling him, I just picture him assuring me that it’s not real because I don’t remember everything about who I am. But I know, deep down in the depths of my soul, I know what’s real.
I just need to remember.
If I can do that, then I can tell him that all of me loves him and I pray he’ll say it back. Just like the night we joked together and he let that word slip out. It sent my heart into a frenzy, and I replayed the sound of him saying it over and over again in my head.
I replay it now as I walk into the kitchen and bump right into Ivy, who squeals in shock, then breaks out laughing as her awkward stance manages to save her toast from ending up on the floor when we collide.
“Oh, my God, I’m so sorry!” I gasp, stepping away before I can cause any more damage.
“You’re fine.” Ivy smiles. “Although it’s a little weird, I gotta say. I’m so used to your being so graceful and aware of everything all the time. This new bumbling you is a little more human.”
“Was I a robot before?” I ask with a wince.
“No,” Ivy replies immediately. “You were guarded. Careful. But your heart and who you were was always clear. The you right now is just… softer around the edges, that’s all.
Zira and I used to talk about how you just needed the right man to soften you up.
Not that you needed a man for anything, just that we felt you deserved to find a person who would treat you exactly how you deserved to be.
Although…” She leans in with a warm smile. “Maybe you’ve found that, hmm?”
“Maybe.” My stomach twists as a giddy sensation rushes through me at the thought of Diego. “Speaking of, I’m so sorry again about ruining your wedding.”
Ivy reaches out with her free hand and squeezes my shoulder.
“Don’t be. We want you there. I want you there.
And your going missing was much more serious than any wedding.
Honestly, I think Zira was the most heartbroken.
She’d finally gotten all her puppies from the shelter to walk down the aisle with their flower baskets without wandering away.
Apparently, that was a once in a blue moon thing because they haven’t done it since. ”
“Are you two still…?”
“Going to get married? Of course! He saved my life. I love him. He loves me. Everything else is just… noise. Helping you is the priority, though, trust me. None of us could settle without you, and we want everyone with us when we tie the knot, so… I’m really, really glad you’re back.”
“Me too.” I smile, and for the first time, I might actually mean it.
Ivy leaves and I brew myself some hot, sweet herbal tea and then head through the building toward Cassian’s meditation room. Learning that this entire place and more exist on top of the Empire State Building still blows my mind.
Maybe Diego was right and I really am rich.
Tea in hand, I knock gently on the door. “Cassian?”
Inside, low light washes over pale walls, where several projectors beam ocean waves up to the ceiling. Soft, gentle music drifts through the air with the occasional tinkle of wind chimes. Several candles ring the edge of the room, with incense burning to fill the air with a heavenly, sweet scent.
“Wow. You really go all out.”
Cassian turns to face me, dressed in loose, flowing pants and an equally light shirt. “It’s all about setting the mood. Creating a safe space.”
“I can’t… match all of this with everything I heard in the meeting the other day. This feels like an entirely different world.”
“You said the same thing the first time I took you to a hot stone massage.” Cassian grins. “You never said anything like it after.”
“Good that some things never change, right?” I offer with a smile.
Cassian nods, then he motions me forward and points to a thick, soft cushion on the floor. “Sit. Drink your tea. We’ll begin when you’re ready.”
I sit as requested and hum slightly at how comfortable the cushion is. Crossing my legs, my teacup warms my palms and I drink it slowly while watching him light the final candles around the room. By the time he’s finished, my tea is almost gone, and he sits in front of me with a warm smile.
“Good?”
I nod. “Do you really think this will work?”
“It’s not so much whether this will work as creating a safe space for you to go back in your mind. Memory loss can be caused by all sorts of things, but I believe that part of what holds us back is our own minds. Fear of what we might see, and fear of what we might lose when we remember.”
“Lose?”
“Right now, you’re safe from whatever happened to you.
Remembering will remove that safety.” Cassian rolls his eyes slightly.
“Some of it is just words, but at the end of the day, it can’t hurt.
And if you remember nothing, then that’s fine because your body has been through a lot and this will help relax you. ”
“Okay.” I drain the last of my tea and set it aside. “I’m ready.”
“Close your eyes, relax your hands on the crest of your knees, and take a deep breath, following me,” Cassian instructs.
For the next twenty minutes, that’s all we do. Deep breathing to the sound of softly crashing waves and the beautiful music filling the room. Warmth washes over me and a deep sense of peace blossoms in my chest.
Finally, Cassian speaks.
“I want you to focus on the sound of the waves. Can you do that for me?”
“Mmhmm.”
“The rolling and the crashing, the forward and the back. Picture that in your mind. It can be a beach or the edge of a lake. Anything that you prefer. I want you to time the waves you see to what you’re hearing.”
“A beach,” I murmur. “I like the beach.” It’s simple. Matching what I see in my mind's eye with the rolling waves from the air around me only increases that sense of peace inside me, and I begin to lose the sensation of sitting.
“Now,” comes Cassian’s distant, soft voice. “Every time the waves roll forward, I want you to cast your mind back to that night. The night you got into Diego’s car. And when the waves roll back, I want you to roll back to the beach. Can you do that?”
“Mmhmm…”
It flickers in my mind. The waves on the beach and then suddenly, Diego’s alarmed face in his car. The warm beach and the gun in my hand. Back to the beach and then the heat of pain consuming my body. The beach comes back one more time and then…
I’m not in the car anymore. Suddenly, I’m somewhere terribly cold with a throbbing ache in both of my shoulders. I try to recall the beach but when I do, it’s not a beach I see but a face. A child.
“Valentina?”
She stands in front of me, clutching a threadbare rabbit with tears pouring down her tiny face, terror in her eyes, and her mouth wide open as she screams and sobs.
Hot pain ignites across my back like a razor is tearing through my spine and then the child vanishes, replaced by a crumpled, dead body at my feet.
“Valentina!”
An adult, with their face covered by their arms and blood. So much blood. I can’t tell where the pain stops and I begin, but when I blink, I see that kid’s face again.
“Valentina!” Cassian’s voice rips me out of my thoughts and my eyes snap open with a gasp, my cheeks wet with tears.
“Cassian?” I croak.
“Oh, thank God,” he gasps. “You were so focused, I didn’t think I could reach you.” Concern washes over his handsome face and his brows furrow. “Are you alright?”
“I… I remembered something.”
“What was it?”
“Uhm…” My breath trembles out of me. I gasp, then wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. “There was… There was this kid. A little girl. She was screaming and crying, and I was so cold and in pain but her face was so clear.”
“Do you think you’d recognize her if you saw her again?”
I nod quickly. “I’m sure of it.”
“Come on.” He stands and holds out his hand, then swiftly pulls me to my feet. “How are you feeling?”
“Uhm…. a little scared but kind of invigorated? It feels like I’m smarting after ripping off a Band-Aid.”
“This is good. And you definitely never ran into any kids when you were with Diego?”
“Not at all.” Following Cassian out of the room, we hurry down the hall but as we round the corner, I run into Diego. “Diego!”
He glances up in alarm, then smiles. “Are you alright?”
“I’ll catch up with you, Cassian,” I say.
Cassian nods, then hurries down the hallway.
“Oh, Diego, it was amazing! I remembered something! Something that might actually help us work out what happened to me.”
“Valentina… that’s great.” Diego glances away, although his smile doesn’t waver. “I’m happy for you.”
“It's great! Wait… why are you wearing a jacket?” The soft leather is nice to the touch, but given where we are, it’s a little warm to wear indoors.
“Oh, I was actually coming to find you because I have to go and check on some things, y’know?”
“Check on things?” I frown at him and then clutch his shoulders. “I’ll come.”
“Valentina!” Bradley suddenly yells from down the hall, and I peer past Diego to where he stands. “You remembered something?”
“I did!” The exhilaration swells again, and I lean in, capturing Diego’s lips in a quick, sweet kiss. “I have to tell them what I remembered, but then I’ll come back, and we can go together, alright?”
Diego meets my gaze and there’s a flicker of something I can’t quite decipher in his eyes. “Sure.”
“Great! Wait for me, and then I’ll tell you everything. Oh, my goodness, it was such a rush and I—” I catch myself and smile. “Everything doesn’t feel as empty anymore. Promise you won’t leave without me?”