Chapter 41 Lennox
LENNOX
I swirled the drink in my glass as I looked out the window into the dark night. It was a full moon tonight. Its glow lit up the otherwise dark den. Its rays fell across Luka’s sleeping form.
He had turned in hours ago. I told him I’d wanted to finish my book before I came to bed. He fell asleep easily while I let myself get lost in the pages.
I had finished the book hours ago.
I should be tired after everything we’d been through in the past week. Exhausted from Luka and my activities and my general lack of sleep, but still, it didn’t call to me.
I remained in the chair, held in place by my paralyzing fear.
Fear that if I closed my eyes the dreams, the nightmares, would consume me.
They hadn’t caught me yet, not since my rescue, but I feared them.
Every time I lay in bed I stared at the ceiling, my body frozen at the fear of what might find me in my dreams.
The whip on my back, my blood speckled on the ground around me as they brought me closer and closer to death with every strike against my ruined back.
The blade being held to Kara’s throat.
Luka’s unconscious form as I gave myself over to Adreona. His pleads for me not to do it.
The memories Keziq tried to warp.
The feel of Luka’s blood on my hands after Sidna’s siren abilities took over my mind.
They were all there. Waiting for me to give myself over to them.
When I did fall asleep, it was never for long. I awoke with a jolt before I could even dream.
I needed sleep, we were going to war.
But how could I lead my people into war if I was afraid of my own nightmares?
Fear constricted my throat, keeping the air from my lungs.
Luka’s terror filled yell pulled me from my mind. I leapt from the chair, my drink spilling on my nightdress as the glass crashed to the floor.
A piece of glass sliced into my foot as I ran toward the bed where Luka thrashed, his screams echoing through our bed chamber.
“Luka,” I all but cried. “Luka.” I leapt onto the bed, my hands enclosing around his wrists as I straddled his thrashing body. “Luka.” My chest caved in. “Luka wake up.” I cupped his face in my hands.
“Lennox,” he whimpered, his eyes still closed. Sweat coated his brow as he remained encased in his dream.
I slid off him, leaning against him instead, my body covering his. “Luka, wake up, please, it’s a dream.” I dusted my lips over his. “Wake up.”
His eyes tore open, a gasp tearing from his throat. “Lennox.”
“I’m here.” I stroked his face. “I’m here.”
“You’re here.” His chest still heaved as I held him. His hand resting on mine that laid on his cheek.
“It was a dream.”
“It was a dream,” he echoed. “You’re okay.” His eyes closed as he shifted closer, pulling me against him until there was no space to tell where he started and I began.
We lay there in silence, him holding me until his breaths settled.
“The dreams—did you have them before? While I was—while I was gone?” I swallowed past the lump in my throat.
He shuttered. “Yeah—almost every night.”
My chest constricted. I had caused that—caused these nightmares. “This was the first time I’ve had one in a while.” He closed his eyes, his hand flexing on my back. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I’m sorry.”
A crease formed between his brows. “What are you sorry about?”
“I’m the one who caused these dreams—your nightmares.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. These nightmares are not your doing.”
I bit back a rebuttal. The demons inside me repeated all the ways it was my fault.
I gave myself up to Adreona.
I made him fall in love with me.
“Stop. It’s not your fault, Lennox.”
“If you never fell in love with me—”
“Then I’d be having nightmares about something else. And my life would be so much less. You can try and argue this a million ways Lennox, but I’ll always win.”
I said nothing. There would be no convincing him otherwise. I’d have my own argument with myself.
“What is that?” He sat up slightly, his nostrils flaring. “Is that blood?”
“Yeah. I cut myself when my glass shattered. But I’m fine; it’s already healing.”
“What were you doing? Why were you not in bed? It’s been hours since I fell asleep, have you been reading this entire time? Must be some hell of a book.”
“No, I wasn’t reading anymore.” I let silence take over for several moments. “I get nightmares too.”
“I know, but—” He laid back down. “Lennox—” He kissed my forehead. “You can’t avoid nightmares.”
“Yes, I can.”
“You have to sleep. We’ve had this conversation before.”
I opened my mouth, but he stopped me with a kiss. “You know I’m here. I’ll help you through them.”
“I know but—I can’t relive it,” I choked out. “I can’t keep reliving it.”
“You’re reliving it in your waking hours, how is that any better?”
I said nothing as his words settled over me.
“I keep replaying in in my mind,” I said. Keeping my gaze forward as Luka remained silent. “I stabbed you Luka. I fucking stabbed you.”
“It’s not like it was the first time.” There was a light tone to his voice, but I wasn’t having it.
“This was different Luka, that was of my own volition. And it was before I knew you. Before I loved you. Before I bound my life to yours. This, this…” Words evaded me. “I should be the one person who never hurts you and I did. I hurt you.”
“Lennox, it wasn’t you, it was the compulsion from Sidna. There was nothing you could do.”
“That’s the point!” I sat up and hid my face in my hands. “Keziq got in my head, Adreona forced me to hand myself over and be her pawn, and Sidna controlled my mind and forced me to stab you. What’s next? Who’s going to control me next?”
“They may have had control of you, but it was only for a short time. You, you found a way out.”
“I’ve been lucky, what if my luck runs out?”
“We can’t think that way, we’re going into war, we need all the luck we can get.”
I remained silent, I had nothing to say. I wanted to believe him, I wanted nothing more than to let his words soothe me and lure me back to sleep, but it wasn’t that easy.
“Nightmares aren’t a new occurrence for you, why are they bothering you so much now?” Luka was at my side now, his hand rubbing up and down my spine.
“It feels different this time. Before, I had already lost almost everything. Facing the nightmare that I was left alone was different. Now, now I have so much more to lose. I got used to the fear of losing Kara, but the fear of losing you—that’s something I haven’t come to terms with.”
“I have that fear too, of losing you.” He pulled me to his side and placed a kiss on the crown of my head. “Maybe that fear is something that comes with being in love.”
I let out a rough laugh. “Then being in love sucks.”
“I don’t know, Sweetheart, I think it has its advantages. If we weren’t in love, we’d each be Goddess knows where battling these demons alone.” We laid back against the pillows, still clinging to each other.
He had a point. I hated my nightmares, but having him by my side was a comfort I had grown to love. That I needed. “Thank you for loving me.”
“You don’t need to thank me. I don’t think it was possible for me not to love you.
” I traced the lines of the flames tattooed over his heart.
Of my flames, tattooed over his heart, covering the scars of the Vanir brand.
When he told me how he wanted to cover up the brand, I was speechless.
He didn’t want to be branded by the Vanir, but he wanted to be branded by me, he told me as he sat in the tattoo parlor in the Aquatic Court the morning we left.
I loved deep, but Luka Rossi loved deeper and harder.
And I loved him even more because of that.
We laid in silence for a long while, although Luka had helped settle my thoughts, it didn’t bring me any closer to sleep. I made a move to get out of the bed, only to be pulled back in.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I still can’t sleep.”
“I need you in bed next to me to ward off my nightmares—And I can’t ward off yours if you’re not in bed next to me,” Luka murmured.
“That’s not how that works.”
His grip tightened around me. “Says who? It’s worked pretty well up until this point. Did you forget my spectacular dream-catching and distracting abilities?” He slid his hand up my thigh. “Or do I need to remind you?”
“Hmmm.” I hummed as his fingers traveled up the length of my thigh, underneath my nightgown. “I might need a reminder.” This, this was the distraction I needed.
He hitched my leg over his, allowing room for his hand to travel further between my thighs.
“Do you remember that first night we shared a bed? When you had a nightmare and I distracted you afterwards? How I let my touch travel up your leg.” He mirrored his words with his movement.
“Except then, your legs were clamped tight together. Now—” I arched into him as his finger ghosted across my center. “You’re bared fully to me.”
“Back then I had to hold myself back. After you fell asleep thinking about my fingers on your skin, I laid awake thinking about all of the depraved things I wanted to do to you.” A moan slipped from my lips as he slid a finger inside me. “Do you know what I thought about?”
“What?”
“I thought about how I wanted to sink my fingers between your thighs like I am now. I dreamed of being able to taste you. I wondered what would have happened if you woke up to me between your legs. Making you come on my tongue.”
He added another finger, his hand thrusting at a slow, steady pace now.
“What would you have done if you woke up to that?” My back arched, my peaked nipples scraping against the fabric of my nightgown as his thumb brushed over my clit. “Would you have let me finish or would you have stopped me?”
“I would have let you finish. I would have let you make me come.” He rewarded me with another brush to my clit. “I couldn’t even admit it to myself, but I wanted you, even then.”
He groaned, his thrusts picking up speed. “I knew it, I always knew you wanted me, even when you hated me.”
“I never hated you.” I took his head in both of my hands, bringing his forehead to mine. “I never hated you, Luka. Disliked you, yes. But hated you, never.” I brought my lips to his.
With one more press of his thumb to my clit I came, my moans swallowed by his kisses.
“I love you,” I told him, my eyes growing heavy.
Luka smiled, a hint of a smirk popping through. “I love you, too.”