Chapter 45 - Lennox
LENNOX
I didn’t even notice Luka falling to my side at first. My entire body was numb at the sight in front of me.
Of the rubble that had once been the Galtain’s home.
For centuries, it had been their home. Holding their memories.
Their memories—Goddess above—another sob wracked my body. The rest of their family—their children and grandchildren.
Luka’s arms wrapped around me, he held me while I sobbed, tears tracking down his own cheeks.
They didn’t deserve this—none of them deserved this fate—but it had come to them because of me.
If only I hadn’t sought them out, if I hadn’t pushed Silas to let us in that first day—
“Lennox.” I sniffled as I stared at the smoldering ashes. “It’s not your fault.”
I moved out of his hold, tears flinging from my eyes as I stood.
“But you don’t get it, it is!” I flung out my arms. “You keep telling me things aren’t my fault, but it feels like they are, Luka!
I can’t stop myself from feeling like everything is my fault!
This war, the Galtian’s death, every innocent person that has died in this war thus far, that died at our wedding, during the attack on Alethens—your grandfather’s death—I feel the weight of them all.
And you can’t tell me otherwise. All of this—you can’t stop me from feeling like this. ”
I let the grief I’d been holding off consume me. It crashed over my body like a wave, bringing me to my knees in the snow, a scream tearing from my lips.
Enric.
Caspian.
Oriza.
Arlo.
Warren.
Silas.
Auden.
Malina.
Olexa.
The list goes went and on.
Their deaths—I felt their taint on my soul.
The destruction I’d had a hand in causing—I buckled under the weight. I couldn’t hold it any longer.
“My intention is never to stop you from feeling.” Luka’s hand found my face, tilting my chin to meet his gaze.
“That has always been one of the things I love so much about you, how strongly you feel. But I don’t want you to feel those things alone.
To feel like you have to carry those burdens on your own.
We’re a pair, you and me. You don’t have to carry this alone Lennox, I’m here to help you bear the burden.
Do you think I don’t feel those losses too?
That I don’t feel that same guilt? But I don’t let those feelings consume me.
I don’t let them wreck me, I let them fuel me. ”
I finally met his gaze, finding his sapphire eyes glistening.
“Yes, there are going to be deaths in war, there have been already, but you have to remind yourself what we’re fighting for. We’re fighting for the future of Lethenia. We’re fighting to avenge the deaths that have plagued us.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek.
“Your parents’ deaths, we’re going to avenge them. We’re doing this for them too, Lennox, don’t let yourself forget that.”
“It gets so hard, feeling all this.” I leaned into his touch. “Sometimes I wish I could turn it all off. To not feel so deeply just once.” My chest ached, my head throbbing from all the crying. “I wish I didn’t let my emotions have so much control over me.”
I sniffled as Luka continued to wipe away my tears. “All this anger, sadness, fear—I wish I didn’t feel them all so strongly.”
“But those are the feelings you’re feeling right now. Think about what it feels like to feel joy, happiness, love—you feel those strongly too.”
“They feel so few and far between these days.”
“I know.”
I let the silence settle between us. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling responsible for all of this,” I said softly. “I need you to let me feel that way. I think that’s the only way I might be able to work through this all.”
“Okay.” He kissed my forehead.
“Okay? That’s all you have to say?”
“Mmhmm.” His hand fell to the back of my neck. “Like I said, I’m never going to stop you from feeling, I need to you let me in, let me help you carry some of the weight. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try my best.” Emotions clogged my throat.
“But I will say one thing, if you’re going to feel it, use it. Use your feelings to fuel your desire to take down the Vanir, the Panateia, and Adreona. Let it consume you in that way. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you with every fiber of my being, Lennox Adair. I love every single part of you, remember that.”
“Okay.”
“That’s all I get? An okay? I feel like I’m doing my best work here, babe.”
“Babe?”
“Thought I’d test it out.”
“I think I like Sweetheart better.”
“Okay, I’m doing my best work here, Sweetheart.”
“Thank you.” I kissed the tip of his nose as I looped my arms around his neck. “I love you too. Until the stars turn to dust, babe.”
“Where do we go from here?” The tent flap fluttered behind me as I entered the makeshift war room, Luka at my side.
We had only returned from the Galtain’s—what had been the Galtain’s a little bit ago.
Luka held me outside the rubble, our combined magic keeping us warm as we knelt in the snow until we were ready to proceed.
Once we were ready, we collected ourselves and sorted through the rubble. Nothing could be salvaged; everything burned to ashes—even the bodies were unidentifiable.
We used our earth magic to crumble the earth beneath the rubble, sinking the aftermath into the earth and covering it with fresh soil.
We took turns using our magic to carve words into a wooden slab we enhanced with magic, ensuring it would stay nice forever.
When this was all over, everyone would know the history of the Galtain family—of the sacrifices they made for Lethenia.
When we returned back to camp, I called a meeting and directed the tents to be reassembled, we would delay our travel east a couple of days as we regrouped.
“We continue on to the Blood Court,” Declan said without missing a beat.
“What about Adreona’s new ability? How does that change things?” I tried to keep the fear from leeching into my voice, but some of it leaked through. One of our advantages had now been taken away.
Because of me.
“I looked into the spells I have about Ichor magic, there is no way she can transport an entire army. It would take far too much power.” Luciana didn’t look up from the book she flipped through.
“So at least we don’t have to worry about that?” Kara added with an heir of hope in her voice.
“I’ll still be worrying about it,” I said, my voice flat.
“With the threat she could show up at any minute—we always have to be guarding our backs.” Declan straightened his spine, tucking in his wings.
“I will task a rotation of soldiers to be in charge of constructing a shield around us—anyone with air magic will have the opportunity to be a part of the team. When the soldiers from the Twilight Court arrive, I’ll talk with them—any that can fly will rotate scouting from the sky, watching for any disturbances in the shield that should alert us to Adreona trying to arrive. ”
“Someone’s been busy.” Luka clapped a hand on Declan’s shoulder. The harpy ignored him and continued, without pause.
“Besides that, we continue East. We will stop each night to sleep and check in daily as a group. Each soldier will be assigned a legion and each legion a commander.”
“Thank you.” I blew out a breath as I surveyed the map laid out on the table in front of us.
“Thank you for breaking it all down for us, it’s overwhelming.
I don’t know what we’d do without you.” I gave Declan a soft smile.
I meant it, I was lost when it came to war strategy, just another thing I wasn’t equipped with being queen.
The edge of Declan’s mouth turned up, a smile, one only the few who knew him could spot graced his lips.
“Good thing you don’t have to. The commanders will check in with us each evening when we will reassess the plan for the following day and adjust as needed.
We will also continue to train the people as we travel.
We are made up of so many courts it will take us a while to figure out everyone’s strengths.
Some have been trained and know their strengths, but others will need to discover them to figure out which legion is best suited for them.
I will observe training as much as I can to offer input as to where I think soldier’s skills will be best suited. ”
“What about us? Where are we going to be?”
“You will be forming a legion of your own. You and Luka as the heads. You won’t be on the battlefield right away.”
There was no fucking way I was standing on the sidelines of a war I was starting. I opened my mouth to protest but Declan cut me off.
“You are the High Queen; you will get to fight. I wouldn’t tell you otherwise if I valued my life, but I can’t have you jumping in right away. I have a plan, Lennox. I’ll go over it with you and Luka later.”
“Fine.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “Only because you’re the Captain.”
The side of Declan’s lip quirked up. If this was going to work, I needed to trust him fully. He might not have ever led a company into war, but he sure as fuck knew what he was doing more than I did.
“I talked with my mother this afternoon.” Luciana stood, setting down her book.
“She will be making her way to Arcadia in a couple of days with the Star Court forces.” That had been a point of contention for the last several days, how would we reunite the Star Courts forces with the rest of the group without a leader there to lead them.
I wouldn’t ask them to march alone, and Declan wouldn’t let me.
It had been Nico’s idea to ask Caterina and Endora, Caterina had gladly accepted the job, leaving Endora to stay back with their people in Arcadia until we could all be reunited before marching to the Blood Court.
“The groups Lennox directed to guard each city—they have been provided with a crystal to use to communicate with us if needed. They are all connected to these crystals.” Luciana passed the bracelets around the group.
“The commanders will receive one as well so we are all able to communicate if we need.”
“Anything else to report?”
Everyone shook their heads. Declan dismissed them, one by one they filed out of the tent until only my friends, my family, were left.
“How was I?” My pulse picked up speed. “Did I do well? Is there anything I should have done differently?” Luka wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into his side.
“You were perfect.” He placed a kiss on my jaw.
“You’re my mate, you’re supposed to say that.”
“Declan?” Luka looked to the harpy.
“You were great, Lennox.” Part of me still didn’t believe him, but I didn’t argue further.
“Before everyone else goes, I have something to share. Something I didn’t want to talk about in front of everyone.” I twisted my head to look at Luka.
“Something you haven’t told me?”
“Yes.” He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. “We haven’t exactly had much time to talk.”
A knot formed in my stomach as Luka swallowed, his face pinching.
“The witch with Adreona this morning, that was Keziq, right?”
I nodded.
“You’re certain?”
My brows pinched. “Yes, I don’t think I’d forget the face of the witch who tried to ruin my fucking life by distorting my memories. Why?”
“I’ve met her before.”
“What do you mean you’ve met her before?” I asked carefully.
“I saw her in the Stygin market.” I tensed, my heart picking up speed. “She’s the witch who told me how to find Astria’a journal.”
I moved out of Luka’s hold. “No.” I pushed him back with a firm hand on his chest. “No, no she’s not. I saw her—”
“But from a distance. Would you remember her from only that?”
I searched through my memories. What had that witch looked like? All I had focused on was the bad feeling I got in proximity of her—I searched the back of my mind. She stood behind the table, her skin was pale, her hair a dark curtain—it couldn’t be. No.
Nice to see you again, vampire. I hadn’t thought on it earlier, why Keziq had said that when she hadn’t met Luka…
“No.” My chest constricted, my breathing becoming shallow. “No. It was her. It was her, wasn’t it? Fuck!” I slammed my fist on the table, rattling the items resting on the surface. It couldn’t be. No no no no.
“Someone tell us what in the fuck is going on.” Luce’s voice was calm, but I didn’t miss the hint of fear lining her voice.
I finally met Luka’s gaze, remorse and fear lined its features. “Keziq is the witch Luka tied his life to.”