30. Char
CHAR
Thank fuck, I had Deac standing beside me to help me with the shooting.
I wanted to participate so badly, but between the heft of the gun and the fact that it only held a couple of rounds, I needed help with that third shot.
I didn’t care, though. I didn’t care how stupid I looked trying to do it, Bait deserved my efforts.
Because no one deserved to die the way he did.
“Sorry for all of the struggling,” I said as I handed Rat the rifle.
He snickered. “You did great. Bait would think so, too.”
“Yeah?”
He nodded. “Yeah, he’d be impressed.”
That filled me with pride as Deac ushered me back into the house, but my stomach growled. Jesus, when the hell was the last time I ate? I walked over to the refrigerator and yanked it open. It was stuffed to the brim with all sorts of meats and vegetables and cheeses.
“At least we eat good here,” I murmured.
After pulling out some steak marinating on a plate, I dug around for the eggs. I gathered up all of the ingredients I’d need to throw down some serious food, but I felt them hovering around me as I turned on two of the stove burners.
“Whatcha cooking?” Gauge asked.
I slammed a pan onto the hot stovetop. “Steak and eggs.”
“That sounds good,” Mace murmured.
“I already smell it,” Dallas said as he sniffed the air.
“Does anyone know where the bread is?” I asked.
“I got it,” Rat said as he brushed past me.
I unwrapped the steak and barely got it into the pan before all of them gathered into the kitchen. I felt Gauge standing at my right, damn near burrowing a hole into the side of my face with his eyeballs.
“Mad that I’ve taken your place?” I asked as I peeked over at him.
He held his hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, if I don’t have to cook, I’m good with it.”
I smiled. “Good. Then hand me whatever cheese you guys want in your eggs out of that fridge.”
“Need me to do anything?” Mace asked.
I nodded behind me. “If you guys want fruit, pick out what you want and make it into a little salad.”
“Oh hell yeah,” Mace said.
Deac chuckled as he came up behind me. “That’s his favorite.”
I giggled. “Good. Now everyone step back so I can get this going. Set the table if you need something to do. You can pull out glasses and ice and drinks, the works. Whatever you’d like.
But I need space. Steak and eggs cook up quickly once you get the pans hot, and I hope no one is picky about their steaks.
I ain’t cookin’ no hockey pucks for anyone to gnaw on. ”
We all danced around the kitchen while some of the guys took on other tasks.
But as the smell of food wafted around the house, they eventually came trickling back.
There was a massive stack of plates near my elbow, so I filled them with food before passing them out.
I cooked in shifts, making sure everyone got as much food as their bodies required.
We’d all need the energy for whatever came next.
“Jesus Christ, Char,” Deac murmured.
“These eggs are so fucking fluffy. What the hell did you do to them?” Gauge asked.
“Damn, someone whose eggs are better than Gauge’s?” Mace asked. “Sign me up for a double helping.”
I giggled as I reached around and took his plate from him. “We’ll need more eggs by the time I’m done.”
“I can handle that,” Rat said. “We need to restock on some things anyway.”
“Let me finish and I’ll come with you,” Plug said with his mouth full.
“Hey,” I said as I pointed over my shoulder with the egg-covered spatula, “no eating with food in your mouth. I know your mama raised you better than that.”
“You sure about that?” Plug asked.
I spun around to face him. “Then I’ll raise you better than that. Mouth closed.”
“Ooooooooooo, Plug got in troooooouble,” Dallas said mockingly.
The guys fell right in line, making those elementary sounds with their lips before stuffing their faces.
There was fruit salad and peanut butter toast. Mimosas for those of us that were a bit spicier first thing in the morning as well as water and coffee for those that weren’t.
It took me almost an hour to feed the small army that packed its way into the kitchen.
However, by the time I turned off the stove burners, the conversation turned toward Bait.
And I learned so much about this man just listening to their stories.
I learned that he served in the military.
That his PTSD drove him out simply because he couldn’t handle the triggers any longer.
I learned that he taught all of the guys to move with stealth, and it made me giggle because I swear to hell on high, Gauge needed to make more sound when he walked.
They talked about his favorite foods and pulled memories from the time he was a prospect.
I was especially intrigued with the bartender story, where he faceplanted into her tits and she slapped him for it.
The more I learned, however, the guiltier I felt.
The kind of caliber man that Bait was—that all of these men befriended as family—deserved more than what I thought of them.
He was a good man. They were all good men.
Good men who chose a life for themselves that, while I didn’t agree with, certainly didn’t make them terrible human beings.
They were nothing like my father. They could never be anything like my father.
And the guilt was overwhelming.
“Excuse me,” I said breathlessly as I stood from my seat, “I need to go put this up.”
“Wait, Char,” Dallas said as he stood with me, “I can get—Char!”
I moved away from him as quickly as I could. I didn’t want to ruin their moment. I didn’t want to inject my pain into the one moment they stole for themselves. It felt wrong. It felt rude. So I tossed my plate into the sink and ran hot water over it.
“Stop, I can get this. You cooked,” Dallas said as he came up behind me.
I reached for the soap. “I’m just filling the sink. I can?—”
He took the soap out of my hand. “Then I can fill it. Go sit back down. I’ve got this.”
With a stomach full of hot food and a head swirling with so many questions, I let my body do the leading.
I turned off my brain and walked out of the kitchen, ignoring the men who called out for me.
I knew they enjoyed the food. They didn’t have to thank me for it.
I was starving anyway, and it was only fair to cook for those that were hungry around me.
Mama taught me that.
My body didn’t stop moving until I got all the way up the steps.
I walked up every flight and inched through that door that once held me captive.
I gravitated toward that cross. Toward the punishment Deac once brought down upon me.
And as I walked over to the smooth wood, I ran my hand against its cool surface.
Maybe I deserved to be punished then.
Maybe I deserved to be punished again.
“Everything okay?” Gauge asked.
I shook my head softly. “I don’t know how I could’ve ever thought you guys were like my father.”
“Oh, Char.”
I sniffled. “My father would’ve never had half the sack that Bait had.”
He came to stand beside me. “We all have our path to walk in life. All we can do is walk it the best way that we can.”
I swallowed the knot forming in my throat as I slid my hand against the cross again. I felt so helpless against it. Helpless and vulnerable. It was as if my mind had fallen blank against the surface. My body, useless. They could’ve done anything to me, and no one would’ve ever known. And yet…
God, what I wouldn’t have given to feel vulnerable and helpless and safe with them again.
“You should know,” Dallas said as his voice rose up behind me, “M.J. and Deshawn, as well as his mother, are officially on vacation.”
That turned me around. “Where did they go?”
But before Dallas could answer, I held up my hand to stop him.
“Never mind,” I said as I turned back toward that cross, “the less I know, the better for them.”
“She’s catching on,” Deac said as his heavy footfalls fell against the carpeted floor.
I heard the door close behind him before he grew closer. I felt them looming over me in the soft lighting that my eyes couldn’t pinpoint. I felt them staring as I stroked the wood, dancing my fingertips along its knotted pattern. With them, I felt free. With them, I felt safe.
I wanted to feel like that with them up on their cross.
“Why does that ATF agent think I’m a way to get to you guys?” I asked as I turned around.
The guys all looked around at one another before Deac cleared his throat. “She probably knows about our interactions.”
I nodded. “So she knows I’m fucking you guys.”
“Most likely,” Dallas said.
Something in the way he said it—the same way someone might confirm the weather—made me go very still.
“I need you guys to say it,” I said quietly.
Gauge’s chin dropped. “Say what?”
I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at each of them.
All three of them, standing there like they weren’t the most confusing, terrifying, complicated thing that had ever happened to me.
“You know what. Because I’ve been running around in my own head trying to make sense of it and none of the words I land on feel right.
So I need one of you to say it out loud. ”
The silence stretched long enough that I started to feel stupid for asking.
Then Deac stepped forward.
“You’re ours,” he said. Not like a question.
Not like he was testing the water. Like he was reading something off a deed.
“All three of us. And you’re not a side arrangement or a convenience or a secret that needs a label slapped on it.
You’re ours, and we’re yours, and that’s the beginning and end of it. ”
My throat went tight. “That’s it? Just like that?”
“Just like that,” Gauge said, his voice low and steady from his corner of the room.
Dallas said nothing, but when I looked over at him, that quiet apology that had been living behind his eyes for days finally dissolved into something that looked a hell of a lot like relief.
I didn’t have a single smart thing to say to any of them. For once in my entire life, I just let it sit there between us.
“Okay,” I said at last.
“Okay?” Deac repeated.
“Okay,” I said again. “Now don’t make it weird.”
Gauge snorted, and Dallas covered his mouth with his fist like that was going to do a damn thing.
I shrugged. “But how did she find out? It’s not like we advertised it. She would’ve had to be watch?—”
As the reality finally dawned on me, I was pissed for not seeing it sooner.
“Oh boy,” I whispered as I covered my mouth with my hands, “this isn’t good.”
Deac stepped toward me. “So long as I’m alive, you’ll be safe.”
Dallas stepped up as well. “So long as we’re all alive, you’ll be safe.”
“You have our word,” Gauge said as he closed the distance as well, surrounding me on all three sides with my back to that cross.
I looked up into Deac’s stern features. “You’re hoping that between the bar being closed, me being here, and you guys being on lockdown, that she’ll come here. Right?”
“Right,” he said.
I swallowed hard. “And my friends? They’re completely out of harm’s way?”
“Completely,” Dallas said.
I sighed with relief as I leaned my back against that cross. But it was Deac who bent his lips down to my ear when he spoke next.
“If you don’t move away from that thing, little one, I’m not liable for what happens next.”
A shiver wafted down my back. I wanted to test the theory so badly.
My legs ached for it. My thighs burned with a need for it.
But I had to stay focused. We all did, and I’d never be able to help them if all I thought about was my next fuck.
What I needed, though, was the truth. All of it. From the very beginning.
I peeked over at Dallas as I moved my back away from the cross. “Flipping businesses? Seriously?”
A smirk crawled across his face. “You make us think on our feet, that’s for damn sure.”
I shook my head as I looked back up at Deac. “Did you and Dallas really have a plot to seduce me just to shut me up?”
He tilted his head, and the quizzical look behind his eye brought my next set of words to my lips.
“Consider this a new leaf,” I said as I took his hand in mine, “be honest with me. Right here. Right now.”
Deac threaded our fingers together and didn’t hesitate. “When you were initially poking around, we figured that if we gave you Dallas, since you were practically staring at him like a piece of meat?—”
I threw my head back in laughter. “I was not!”
“Oh, so we can’t lie, but you can?” Gauge asked.
“Gauge!” I yelped through my laughter.
But it was Dallas who brought the truth back into play. “Initially, yes. It was just to get you distracted before I filled your head with simple answers that we hoped got you to back off.”
My eyes danced between his. “Initially? Interesting word to use.”
He simply smiled, though. “I know.”
I wiggled my eyebrows. “Care to fill a woman in?”
He tossed me that signature little wink of his. “Maybe some other time. You know, when we don’t have to be as focused.”
Then he reached for my hand within Deac’s, pulling it away, and brought it to his face. He settled his cheek against my palm and I closed the distance between the two of us. His eyes swam with regret. With pain. It killed me seeing him like that.
“What is it?” I whispered. “What is weighing so heavily on you?”
He shook his head. “Jesus, Char, I’m so fucking sorry. For everything. For talking to you the way I did. For treating you the way I did. You are so—precious to me, sweet girl.”
“To all of us,” Gauge muttered.
I stood on my tiptoes and kissed Dallas’s lips softly. “Apology accepted.”
“Thank fuck,” he said breathlessly before slamming his lips back to mine.
The kiss stole my breath away. He latched onto me, and I to him. I wrapped my hands up in his shirt. I pulled him close as he scooped me up into his arms. His tongue fought me for dominance, dancing a tango my tongue longed to memorize.
But I still needed some time to think.
“Dallas,” I murmured against his lips.
He came up for air and I released his shirt. “Yes, sweet girl?”
My heart fluttered at his words. “I just need some silence right now if that’s okay.”
He kissed the tip of my nose. “Of course.”
“Come on, guys, you heard the woman,” Deac said as he pivoted on his feet, “let’s give her some space.”
And as the three of them relinquished me to the heavy darkness of the room, I turned back toward that cross.
They closed the door behind them, retreating to their positions as I allowed my mind to fall blank.
This time, I wasn’t afraid to be without them in that room.
This time, I was ready for whatever came next.
I pressed my palm flat against the wood.
Three men. One woman. I never in my life thought I was capable of something like this.
Of wanting something like this. I kept people at arm’s length my whole life because it was safer.
Because it hurt less. And now I stood there in the dark, with their warmth still on my skin, wondering how I had ever thought that was enough.
So long as me and my guys made it out the other side.