Chapter 26 Tea House #2
“Yuck,” Rainbow said, making a face. “What’s a nun?”
“Me,” Ronnie said.
“A woman married to Jesus,” Reg said.
Rainbow frowned, skeptical. “You’re not married to Jesus.”
“I could be.”
“Don’t joke about that, you’ll offend someone,” Nev muttered.
Ronnie muttered under her breath. “You’re the one who said it!”
“Can’t distract us that easily,” the aunt with the purple hair said. “I need details, Rainbow, show us the receipts.”
“They slept in uncle Mattie’s bed with no clothes on.”
Ronnie shook her head. “Whoa, not true, big exaggeration—we both had underwear on, nothing happened, lot of people do that, it’s totally normal, let’s keep this rated G, please.”
Nev eyed the exits.
Reg touched his sister’s shoulder and shook his head.
“Have you ordered yet?” Ronnie asked, picking up the menu again.
Nev was beet red.
“Who’s the baby daddy?” her aunt with bracelets asked.
Reg chimed in. “She says it was another one of those so-called American college students at the center for rainforest research. She’s always getting knocked up by conservation biologists. Why is that? Are they super fertile? Or super sexy?”
“Dad!” Ronnie glared at him and gestured across the table at Rainbow. The girl still had a book over her face. Smart girl.
“Like the last one, who may or may not exist, he buggered off back to the states,” Reg continued in a stage whisper. “I gather it was more of a casual hookup situation.”
“End of your party days, then?” her uncle asked. “No more wild oats?”
Nev coughed, and went in search of the toilet.
Ronnie watched her go. “You’re making her uncomfortable.
She’s not used to being teased in public.
Her family didn’t do that. She’s had a traumatic experience, probably drank a liter of my blood when she was trying to inflate my dead meat suit, and now she’s turning into a vampire, which must be difficult.
It’s bringing up stuff from her work in Africa with the UN. ”
Her relatives agreed.
“Obviously, we’ve got something going on, right?
I’m really into her, ‘cause look at her, she’s bloody hot, but she’s kind of aloof and says I’m too young for her.
She’s extremely skittish for whatever reasons, it doesn’t matter, and I’m trying not to scare her off, if you don’t mind.
If I wanted you guys to talk about it in front of her, I would broach the subject first, but I didn’t, so don’t. She and I are just good mates.”
Several of her aunts and uncles made air quotes with their fingers and winked theatrically at each other across the table.
“Back to what your dad said, I reckon you’re too old to be sleeping with Americans,” her aunt with the purple hair said.
Ronnie’s eyes widened. “No one says that to Mattie!”
The relatives responded in a chorus. “Yes, we do!”
Blaise patted Ronnie’s arm. “We do.”
“I don’t believe it,” Ronnie said.
“Let her be,” Reg warned. “Nev’s harmless. I think it’s sweet.”
“Don’t make it weird.”
“Sleeping with your boss is…a choice,” her uncle said. “None of us are surprised. This is very you, Brum. Reg, I’m surprised you don’t have anything to say about this.”
He shrugged. “I’m more concerned with how she’s going to find a place to live so she doesn’t take up my guest bedroom for the rest of her life. If she moves in with Nev, at least she won’t be my responsibility.”
She couldn’t lean around the empty chair to whisper in his ear, so she touched his shoulder. “Don’t talk like that in front of Rainbow. She doesn’t know you’re joking.”
“Who says I’m joking? I want to put roadkill babies in there! Am I the only one thinking about the wallabies?”
“Yes!”
The waitress came by. “Sleeping with our boss, are we? Who is?”
The relatives pointed at Ronnie, who folded her hands over the menu. “I’ll have two orders of scones with clotted cream and jam, please, with a side of eggs. Do you have cheerios?”
“Fresh from the Toowoomba butcher this morning. How do you want your eggs?”
“Not exploding,” her uncle said.
“Over easy, please.”
“Cheers, love.”
Everyone else’s food arrived. Nev returned from the bathroom, then reached for the black coffee that had appeared at her spot and downed it. Ronnie put her arm around her friend’s chair. “It’s an ambush.”
“I should go,” Nev said, setting the empty white mug down on the white tablecloth.
Everyone at the table protested loudly.
“You can’t go! We need you to tell us about all the sheep things you’re doing on the farm! We love sheep, don’t we, Kevin? Tell us a yarn! Not the one about brain worms, though, since we’re eating.”
Nev caught the waitress’s eye, mouthed, ‘to go,’ and mimed the shape of a takeaway box.
“Can I ride Brighty?” Rainbow asked. Ronnie wiggled her pointer finger.
Ronnie’s aunt with the purple hair said, “Nev, I always knew you were a lesbian because you look like Tig Notaro.”
Relatives burst into an argument over whether this was accurate or not.
“What’s a lesbian?” Nev asked.
The Madonnas stared at her. In her usual uniform of bargains from the men’s clearance rack at the farm supply depot, she was the butchest person Ronnie had ever seen, and Ronnie had been to pride.
Ronnie patted her friend’s shoulder.
“I could be straight or bi for all they know.”
Ronnie refrained from mentioning the dog-eared copy of Stone Butch Blues on Nev’s bookshelf. “We can talk about this later. No one’s trying to out you.”
Nev frowned.
Ronnie felt guilty. She reached for her friend’s hand, but stopped herself. Nev was already embarrassed. Ronnie noticed everyone watching them. “In other news, Rainbow’s on the rag.”
“Mum!”
Aunties erupted into gasps and cheers, clapping wildly, leaping up out of their chairs and hugging the girl. All conversation turned to Rainbow, who found herself in the hotseat.
Nev stood, reached into the back pocket of her jeans for her wallet, dropped bills on the table. Ronnie swiveled sideways in her chair and pushed herself upright with her arms.
They slipped out. It wasn’t a fast escape. Ronnie had to stop several times to catch her breath, but was relieved when they were finally alone in the truck. She slumped sweating in the passenger seat, laughing.
Ow... Laughing hurts…
She watched Nev put the truck in reverse, back out of the parking space, then put it in drive and turn left onto the Gillies Range Road west towards Lionheart. Nev rummaged behind the seat before handing her a cold Fanta.
“Bless you,” Ronnie said, cracking it open.
“Don’t get used to it. I’m nursing you back to life.”
“Yes, and. Lean into that.”
“You threw your kid under the bus.”
“She deserved it,” Ronnie said.
“That’s debatable.” Nev kept her eyes on the road. “I like your family.”
“But?”
“Are they always that open?”
She thought about that for a minute. “Yeah, generally. I’m guessing your family isn’t.”
Nev shook her head. “Less so now that they’re dead.”
“That’ll do it.” She watched her friend drive. “Why did you get offended when they asked if you were a lesbian?”
“They didn’t ask. They assumed. It’s rude to out someone at brunch.”
“I mean, yes,” she agreed, “but do you think you’re not out?”
“Are you asking if I’m straight?”
“This conversation is so weird.”
“Obviously I’m a lesbian.”
“Thank you. They were trying to be nice.”
“The allyship flag was waving loud and clear. And yes, I’m mixing metaphors intentionally.”
“You’re in a mood.”
To her amazement, she realized her friend was happy.