Chapter 8 #2
Once we settle down and autographs are signed, the dad asks if we’d mind if they sing some Christmas tunes during our ride.
They’re wearing matching Christmas sweaters and are apparently heading up to Edinburgh for the holiday.
So, right there at the very top, we all start singing along.
Farrah, as it turns out, has opera training, but refuses to sing because she says it will be too loud for the pod.
I have the camera turned on—my handy excuse for non-participation as always.
But Jude and Cap have no problem belting it out with the family, and when it comes time for the modern classic “All I Want for Christmas Is You”—at the very top of the ride no less, with the whole of London spread out like a backdrop—Cap takes on the solo.
With his still high-pitched little boy’s voice, he sounds remarkably like Mariah Carey. Plus, he has all the moves down.
He has us cheering so hard, we’re hoarse. It’s only when the cheering dies down that Jude, standing next to me, leans in, saying, “Come with us.”
I snap my face up to his. “What?”
“To Switzerland.”
I look at Jude like he’s lost his mind. Because he has. “What are you talking about, Jude?”
“I’m talking about you coming with us on this trip. I’ll buy you a ticket, hotel room, everything. Look how much better this is when we’re together, Nora. Do you know how awkward things were this summer when she was in town? I could barely speak, and you know how bad that is when I can’t speak.”
I do know this. Too well.
“Cap acted like he was having fun. But he went to bed in tears every night because of me. And I couldn’t stop it. This? He’s going to remember this day forever and it’s all because of you.”
“It’s not because of me!” I whisper-yell.
Cap is fully preoccupied with the family, who’s getting him to hit notes as high as he can and then falling over cheering for him. “It’s you two—can’t you see that? You guys are the life of the party. I’m just back here taking videos.”
“No.” Jude takes my hand. “It’s your presence, Nora. You and me and Cap, it’s just like it was before. We’re a unit together.”
“Are you forgetting the other person in the room? I mean, pod?”
The wheel turns and we lower, quickly. It’s almost time for us to get off.
We both turn to see Farrah, standing only a few feet away from us. Her eyes are wet. She’s heard everything.
Shit. I yank my hand away from his. “Farrah, he doesn’t mean it—”
“No,” she says, her voice small. “He does. But he is right. You should come with us. Please. You can show me how to be with Cap.”
The words break my heart and ignite an angry flame in my chest at stupid Jude.
“You just need to get the opportunity to be with him like that—”
“She’s never going to be the same as you,” Jude says, loud enough that Cap turns from where he was looking out the window with the family.
His little eyebrows furrow. “Dad?”
My freaking heart cracks. I look to Jude, and God fucking help me it splits even wider.
He looks so lost. But we can’t keep going like this.
This whole conversation has made it abundantly clear how this is a regression, back to where we were, where it wasn’t working.
Where Jude leaned on me and used me as a partner-replacer.
Worse, it’s hurting all of them for me to be here.
The pod is one stop away from us disembarking, and I go over to Cap, kneeling down next to him. “I’m going to go, little man. I’ve got to give you guys some time to be together as a family, okay?”
“You’re our family,” he says.
My chest clenches. “I’ll see you again, Cap. It’s not forever.”
Cap swallows, his little throat bobbing. Then he leans in so the others can’t hear. “Dad’s like this around Farrah. I’m scared.”
The pain ripping through me almost has me saying forget it, I’ll come—if just to protect him.
But I know that won’t help. “He’s going to be okay.
I’m going to make sure of it,” I whisper.
“I’m going to see your dad tomorrow, and we’re going to have a long talk, okay?
And we’ll make things right. We’ll make it so you have the best trip you ever have in your whole life. ”
I shouldn’t be making promises. But I want to promise Cap the moon.
“Will you wear your new glasses to the party?”
“Even better. I’ll wear them right now.” I reach into my bag and pull out the bedazzled glasses, replacing the ones on my face. “How’s that?”
Cap beams. “Perfect.” He looks over to Farrah, who’s staring out the window, chewing on her fingernails.
She’s like a little kid, that’s what it is.
It’s like she never got the chance to fully grow up.
Jude sees it too, and it only reminds him of how fucked up he was when they had their fleeting moment. The one that made Cap.
The pod is landing at the bottom, the doors swishing open.
“We gotta go,” Jude says, his words low. I can see how sorry he is. How ashamed. I wrap my arms around Cap, squeezing him tight, my eyes on Jude.
“I love you, Nora,” Cap says.
I blink with surprise. Then my ruined heart breaks the rest of the way.
He’s going home. They’re both going to be going home, our time left together dwindled to hours. I open my eyes again and it’s only Jude, Cap, and me in the pod. Farrah’s outside with the family.
“Gotta get off, please,” the employee says. The pod is still moving, gliding slowly along.
I meet Jude’s eyes, still crushing Cap to my chest. “I love you too, sweet boy.” My words come out choked. “See you later, okay?”
When we let go, he runs outside to Farrah. I give her a little wave, which she returns, her smile looking grateful. Then Cap’s pulling her along to the stand with the trinkets and photos.
I stand up. “Don’t you ever do that again,” I tell Jude, my voice wobbling. “He needs to see you giving her a chance. Be the person we love, no matter how hard it is. You have to do it for him.”
“Sir, Madam, I must insist,” the employee says. “Passengers are waiting—”
I look up—there’s a whole crowd of people waiting to get on, some of them calling at us. God, we’re making a scene. Why is it always like this with him now? I mumble an apology as I go past.
Jude follows. “I know we don’t live in the same city right now, but why can’t we go back to how things used to be?”
I wait until we’re past the crowd, Cap and Farrah in sight. Then I whirl on Jude. “Because it wasn’t working, Jude.”
“Yes, it was. It worked perfectly—”
“It wasn’t working for me!” I say, my voice high and tight with emotion. Then I turn and walk away, not looking back.