Chapter 33
NORA
I’m in the kitchen making myself a cup of coffee on my first Christmas morning ever on my own when my phone buzzes.
I thought it would be Sasha. She’s with her family at some seaside cottage in Norfolk. Or at least, her sister and parents are. Her brothers are dealing with whatever crisis is going on back at home, apparently trying their best to shield her parents from it.
Sasha won’t elaborate, but I can tell it is bad. She hasn’t been sleeping well, and I even saw her wearing pajama pants out to the shop one day before they left, which was unheard of for a woman who never leaves her apartment without lipstick.
On the radio in the living room, the BBC is talking about the royal address that will be happening later today, and my little Christmas tree is twinkling. It will be a nice quiet day. Never mind that it will be lonely.
My phone buzzes a second time as I pick it up.
JUDE: Merry Christmas, Nora.
JUDE: Miss you.
I freeze. How am I supposed to respond to this? Then I silence my phone, set it down, and go back to finish making my coffee, my heart churning. I have to write him back. We’ve only texted a few times over the past several weeks, and it has mostly been perfunctory.
I’m just heading back to the living room with my coffee when I get my second surprise of the morning: a knock on the door.
My heart flies up to my throat. I actually consider, for the briefest second, that it could be Jude. The only other person who might be knocking first thing Christmas morning is Sasha. Or—
I pull open the door, my heart sinking when I see who is here.
“Merry Christmas,” Murray says.
I’m supposed to be getting over Jude. I am getting over Jude—which is a feat considering I’ve spent the past couple of weeks working with film footage of the man.
I decided after hitting submit on my proposal for the Love and Loss contest, which I’ve called Finding Eleanor, that whether or not I get in, I’m going to make Eleanor Cleary my thesis project.
It is perfect, and hard, and feels right.
Murray thrusts out a little package at me.
“Oh!” I take it, too surprised not to. “I didn’t get you anything, Murray.”
“It’s fine,” he says in the kind of tone that indicates he’s used to it. “It’s just a mousetrap.”
I pinch my lips. “How thoughtful!”
“We’ve got a mouse problem, as you know.”
I nod, then think frantically about what I can give Murray. “Hang on,” I say. Then I dash into the kitchen and grab the box of hot cross buns I bought yesterday to have for breakfast. It’s fine, I’m just being sentimental. I prefer corn flakes anyway.
Murray looks like I’ve given him a new car. “Gosh, thank you, Nora!”
“You’re welcome. Why aren’t you home with family right now?”
To my great surprise, Murray smiles, revealing his extremely crooked teeth. “Can’t. My girlfriend’s expecting me.”
“Girlfriend!” I say, trying not to sound shocked.
“She doesn’t celebrate Christmas,” he explains. “So anyway, I’ve gotta run. We’re going to see Braindead Zombie Invasion down at the Bijou.”
I bite my cheek this time to keep from showing anything but pleasant surprise. “Well, that’s great, Murray. I’m so happy for you.”
I really am. It explains why Murray hasn’t been lurking around the hallways since I’ve gotten back. I thought he was taking an eavesdropping break. I can’t wait to tell Sasha.
“Well, Happy Christmas,” I say, and go to close the door.
“You too,” Murray says.
Except just as I begin closing the door, he clears his throat.
“Was there something else?” I ask, both hands on the edge of my door.
“Your man friend isn’t here?” Murray asks.
My stomach twists. I forgot he saw Jude that day he slept over here.
“No, he’s…” I swallow, surprised at the knot in my throat.
“He’s back at home, with his family.” I think about how the Kelly family will be crowded around the table tonight, laughing and teasing each other.
Will Cap put on a show for them with his little karaoke set like he did last year when I went there for dinner?
Jude invited me over and even though things were awkward between us then it was the best Christmas I can remember in… ever.
“Well, that’s good because there’s another gentleman calling for you.”
My stomach jolts, my head clearing in a second. “What? Like right now?”
“Yes. He’s downstairs. Made a racket banging on the glass. Was going to shoo him away but he said he knew you. Thought I’d come and check, and give you my gift. Two birds and one stone, as they say. Anyhow, he’s got stripes on his shoulders and a wheelie bag. Is he staying?”
“Murray!” I’m aghast at him, waiting until I’m about to close the door to tell me. But my heart soars because I know just who it is.
“Bye, Nora!” Murray calls after me as I race down the hallway in my socks.
I burst into a grin when I reach the bottom of the stairs, because there, holding his hat and looking irritated, is my big brother, Christian.
I open the door and practically leap on him.
“Damn, Nor!” he says after he hugs me back. “It’s only been a couple of months!”
“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” I say. To my surprise, tears begin streaming down my cheeks.
Chris looks panicked. He comes into the foyer and places a hand on my shoulder. “Shit, what’s wrong? Why are you sad?”
“I’m not sad,” I say, my voice wobbling. “I’m happy. So happy.” Then I begin to sob.
It’s a whole day before I tell Christian what’s going on with me.
We’re at the pub down the street from my place, and I’m honestly the happiest I’ve been since coming home. But telling the story still makes my heart hurt.
While we still check in when we can, my big brother and I were closer several years ago, when I was in college.
But he got hired by a huge airline and spent a lot of his time traveling.
He moved with his wife to Cincinnati to be close to the airport, and since then, I haven’t seen much of him at all.
I miss talking to him. Which must be why I tell him the whole thing, going back all the way to the beginning of Jude’s and my friendship, which may be unnecessary.
But I feel like our story makes the most sense when you start at the beginning.
I tell him all the way to the end, when I met Farrah and Cap at a board game cafe and the three of us had an amazing time playing a game the way it was supposed to be played (Cap insisted this was one of the few he’d do this with).
We’d had a surprisingly great time, like Farrah and I were old friends with one of our sons.
When Cap had gone to the bathroom—with no chaperone, he insisted—Farrah said she’d told Jude about Japan on the train ride home.
“How did he take it?”
“He was nice. I was very surprised.”
I’d smiled, relieved. Jude had come a long way in his relationship with Farrah compared to the beginning of the trip.
“Have you told Cap?”
“No. But I’m going to today, after we see you. I wanted to make sure I could tell him we would both be there for him—on the phone or the computer. Will you be… Are you going to talk to him still?”
I thought about how I’d planned on cutting back on my calls with Cap back before the trip.
I knew in my heart I could never do that now.
I wasn’t standing in the way of Jude moving on and finding a family by breaking Cap’s and my heart too.
“I won’t be ending my relationship with Cap,” I said. “Not so long as he’ll have me.”
Farrah smiled. “Cap will be so happy. And also…Jude is très stupide.”
I laughed, despite the pain of thinking of him. I hadn’t let that wound crack open yet though, so I clapped my hand over my mouth. Otherwise, I might fall apart right there in the cafe.
“He will change his mind,” she said, with such assurance the deeply pathetic part of me rose up in hope for half a second before shattering.
“No,” I said. “I don’t think he will.”
Now, I thank the bartender as he hands me my second pint of Guinness.
“I’m fine,” I say to Christian.
He looks at me skeptically, like he knows I’m not telling him everything, even though I just did.
I take a big swig of my beer. I’ve grown to like the bitter stout that made me purse my lips when I first got here. Not that I drink it all that much.
“Really?” Christian asks.
“Really!” I insist. “I think.”
Christian’s on the stool next to me, his knees sticking out sideways.
He looks every bit the handsome pilot, even though he’s in jeans and a sweater.
His dark hair is neatly trimmed, his gray eyes examining mine, and his broad hands are wrapped around his own Guinness.
“Nora, I have to say I’m totally impressed with how you handled all of this, even though I never want you to mention you having you-know-what ever to me again. ”
I laugh, then sober. “I don’t know if I really handled it all that well. I mean, I’m proud of myself for how I left it. I know”—I swallow—“I deserve more than just being stuck on the side, hopelessly in love.”
All around us the bar is filled with people laughing and talking loudly. The night outside is glittery and wet with traffic and resellers, even though New Year’s isn’t for a few days yet.
Christian considers me for a moment. “Did he lead you on?”
I smiled at his big brother protectiveness. But shook my head. “No. He was always clear about his stance on relationships.”
“Then you did a brave thing in walking out.”
I smile, feeling if not still terribly sad, so glad he told me that. “I think I’ve come a long way since we were kids. I was too scared to even stick my hand up in class half the time.”
“Even though you always knew the answer.”
I smile. “Not always.”
“You’re selling yourself short, you know,” Christian says after a moment.
“How?”
“You think you were always a scaredy-cat. You were about little things.”
“Like climbing trees on a stack of chairs.”
“Yeah, not my brightest moment.” He grins. “But I’m talking about the big things.” Christian turns serious. “I’ve never forgiven myself for lending you my car that night, you know.”
My stomach twists. He’s talking about the night I borrowed his car to go see a movie with my best friend Callie, back when we lived in North Carolina. “That wasn’t your fault,” I say softly.
“Of course it was. I was an idiot kid. I didn’t think about the risks.”
The car had broken down on the side of a lonely road, and we’d been stranded in the pitch black.
Two guys had come along in a truck and found us—two helpless teenage girls on a lonely road.
They were making their intentions known before another person happened to come by.
The person happened to be the guy Callie would end up dating and later marrying, which was a happy ending for them.
But it had been traumatizing. I’d had nightmares for months afterward.
I hadn’t thought about it for years now though. “It’s not your fault, Chris. Besides, I’ve had a good amount of therapy.” I smile, though Chris doesn’t return it.
Christian shifts on his stool. “Dad and I wanted to go on a witch-hunt for those guys. Remember?”
I did remember. It was the first time I remember losing it on them. Those guys had been mean, and I wouldn’t have anything bad happen to the people I loved. “I didn’t do anything brave though.”
“Sure, you did. You could have hidden away after that happened. Never left home. Jumped anytime a guy said ‘boo’ to you. But you remember what you did?”
I laugh, without humor. “I went to the library.”
“That’s right. You got out all those books on car repair and made both of us work on the car together so we’d both know what to do if it broke down again. Then you went out and took that self-defense course.”
I smile. “Remember—”
“When I said self-defense courses were only good if you actually knew how to do the moves?”
I’m already laughing.
“So you kicked me in the nuts.”
“You cried!” I laugh.
Chris claps his hand over his heart. “I can’t believe you’re mocking my pain!”
It feels so good to laugh again. Jude and Cap always make me laugh like this.
I don’t realize I’ve stopped laughing until Christian does too. He examines me a moment before looking down, twisting his wedding ring around his finger idly. “It’s okay to take a while to get over someone, you know,” he says softly. “And to still love them even if you can’t have them.”
It feels like he might be talking about himself—I know it’s hard on his marriage for him to be away so much. But I’m already swallowing down the lump in my throat because I know he was really talking about me.
He’s right; I’m still in love with Jude. I think I might always be. And maybe that’s okay.
But he’s also right, I realize, in telling me what Jude always made me feel when I was around him. That I wasn’t always scared. That some part of me, some important inner core part of me was brave, and always had been, in my own way.