Chapter 4
Slumping into the chair in my new office, I absently reviewed the multitude of displays on each of the screens in front of me, most showing the status of the various engineering systems, many of which were off or idling, as the Radiant had been docked at Phobos for almost a week.
My mind wandered back to Vaughn and everything that had happened in the last few hours. This was a standard technique I’d learned to regroup and reorganize my thoughts while working for IA.
“Review what you know. Review what you don’t know. Review what you need to know,” Darren’s voice echoed through my head.
What I knew was that Vaughn and Darren had never connected, leaving me in a very awkward spot—thanks a lot, Darren.
Vaughn, who was so much hotter in person than I could have imagined from the photos I’d seen, was clearly NOT interested in working with me.
In fact, he might hate me after the stunt I’d pulled in front of Natalie, although surely he had to understand why I’d done what I had.
Oh, and sidenote, that kiss…fuck me. It was hot as hell, but clearly all I was getting from that dickhead.
It’s too bad, really. I wouldn’t have minded a nice little no-strings-attached arrangement to scratch an itch and work through our animosity in a more productive manner.
However, I had a feeling Vaughn was going to do everything in his power to steer clear of me.
If nobody ever saw us together, we wouldn’t have to act the part of a couple with an exception.
However, I’d be irrational not to see that we’d be stronger working together.
I wasn’t sure yet what it would take to salvage some kind of partnership with Vaughn, no matter how tenuous, but the mission’s success would likely depend on it.
Still, there was a lot I could do without his help, like gathering intel on his crew.
It was clear to me why Darren had sent me to help—not just because he knew I was capable and hell-bent on dispatching the Phoenix—but because how could Vaughn accurately assess a crew that he was clearly close with?
He’d be biased no matter how you sliced it, and would need an outside point of view to help him see what he might be missing.
Although, I’d have to be very delicate with my observations and questioning, as well as how and what I reported back to Vaughn, if anything at all.
I didn’t want to cut him out if I didn’t have to, but it would be up to him, really. If he was insistent on working alone and pushing me away, I had no problem working by myself, but I’d remain open to the possibility of collaboration so at the very least I could say I’d tried.
Wanting to take my mind off Vaughn since my thoughts kept returning to how his mouth felt against mine and how his warm hands seemed to have left a brand on my body, I decided to give myself a tour of the ship, seeing as my new husband had already abandoned me.
Using the ship schematics I had downloaded onto my comm, I weaved my way through the ship decks, peeking into rooms as I went, tracing my fingers along the paneling and noting any systems panels I encountered along the way, in case I needed to find them quickly.
I had just made it to the upper deck, which, according to the schematics, should have housed the bridge, captain’s office and quarters, shuttle bay, and a small common area so staff on duty didn’t have to go down to the middle deck to access the full commissary.
Upon exiting the lift, I ran smack-dab into a hard chest. Stumbling back, I looked up into the eyes of absolutely the last person I’d ever expected to see again.
“Cassidy?” I breathed.
All I could think about was how impossible this was. How he looked both entirely the same but also completely different from the last time I’d seen him.
Long-buried memories flickered through my mind.
The three of us, me, Xavier, and Cassidy pulling silly pranks while we were bored on whatever base our parents were visiting that week.
The first time I’d felt my heart flutter, when Cassidy cut his shaggy light brown hair at fourteen.
The feeling of belonging to the two of them, even though they didn’t have to include me in their boyish hijinks…
how safe and protected I’d felt under their watchful gazes…
until they’d both floated away, following their own paths and leaving me behind… alone.
The memories turned somber as guilt flooded through me.
Cassidy hadn’t been able to afford to go to the same university as Xavier and me, and it hadn’t taken long for us to lose touch.
Still, it had hurt that he’d never reached out when I’d lost everything.
The news had been everywhere. He had to have known, and yet there was only radio silence.
I hadn’t heard from him in years, and here he was.
Light brown hair somewhere between the shag of his youth and the close-cropped cut of his young adulthood, which had ignited my first and most intense girlhood crush.
His bottle-green eyes were still brilliant with their flecks of brown in a constellation around his pupils.
“It’s really you,” he choked.
Cassidy had always been tall and lanky, but in the decade since I’d last seen him, he’d filled out slightly—definitely muscle, or so it appeared from the corded skin of his forearms—although he would still be dwarfed by Vaughn.
Without thinking, I reeled my arm back and landed a hard punch on his arm. “What the fuck, Cass!?”
His mouth gaped, stunned by the hit, but no words came from his lips. He merely raised his palm to rub where I’d hit him.
I’d long thought about what a reunion with Cassidy would be like.
Especially after I’d been left on my own.
I wondered where he was and if he had a family.
I wondered if he ever thought of me like I thought of him.
And sometimes I even considered what it would be like if he and I somehow found each other again.
Would the tension we’d always skirted around during our teenage years still be there, lingering in the shadows, waiting to pounce?
In none of those scenarios did I punch and berate him, but here I was, doing exactly that.
“I thought you might be dead when you missed the funerals.” My voice trembled, despite my best effort.
His expression fell at the plurality of that last word. “I’m…sorry…”
Without another word, I launched myself into his arms. Strong and warm, just like I remembered.
He pulled me in so tight, it was even better than I remembered.
He even smelled of the same faux cedar scent of his aftershave.
Xavier and I had made fun of him for picking the scent when he’d begun to need to shave regularly, but he’d just rolled his eyes and shoved my brother for the slight.
“I’m so sorry, L,” he whispered into my hair, holding me even closer, his palm cradling the back of my head against his chest. “I was working on a heliopause relay station, so I didn’t hear about what happened until long after…
and by then I thought…I figured you might not want a reminder about how things were before. It was selfish.”
I digested his admission. Heliopause relay stations were situated on the very edge of the system and had notoriously abysmal communication capabilities, which was why they required the sharpest minds in communications to man them and keep the systems functioning. I felt any residual hurt waning.
Moreso, when I hadn’t been working underground with IA, I’d been off-grid seeking to fulfill my own vendetta.
I didn’t even know if he’d have been able to locate me if he’d tried.
He was right in front of me after having been lost to me for so many years.
Was it worth holding a grudge over something that had been out of his control?
I decided I’d lost too many people already to take his return for granted. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to feel comfortable around a familiar face despite the stress I was under due to the mission and Vaughn’s attitude. Was that so wrong?
Reluctantly, I removed myself from his embrace. “How are you on the Radiant?”
“Been with the ship since she launched last year. Chief comms officer.” He flashed me the same boyish grin I used to fantasize about.
“I’d ask you why you’re here, but Natalie’s been running around the ship telling everyone about the captain’s exception and trying to organize a surprise party for the two of you. ”
Unable to control my expression around Cass, my face fell.
“We never could get the timing right…” He ran a hand through his hair.
I didn’t know how to respond to that. We’d exchanged longing looks for years, but he’d never taken a shot.
I figured he’d been worried it would cause trouble with Xavier, and I’d had the same concerns myself, but seeing him again, after more than a decade had passed, it felt as though something had shifted between us.
And Xavier was gone… There was nothing standing in our way.
Except for my newly minted exception.
I could feel Cassidy studying me while I spiraled.
His eyes swept over my features, perhaps making the same observations I’d made about the things that remained, like my unruly chocolate hair up in my signature messy bun, the lack of makeup, which I’d never liked, or the fact that with my boots on, I was only a few inches shorter than him, almost eye to eye.
Or maybe he was seeing the differences, like the sallow tone of my fair skin from being sequestered indoors on Mars for the last three years, usually hiding in an engine bay or garage tinkering.
He could have been observing the fine lines edged around my blue eyes, which had lost their luster since I’d lost my family.
But when his eyes fell to my mouth, I thought perhaps he was thinking about how it was pressed in a firm, flat line of frustration, instead of the wide, beaming smile of our childhood. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d smiled so big that it hurt.
Cassidy Paulson being on this ship was not part of the plan. Considering what was supposed to be going on between Vaughn and me, I needed to tread very carefully, so as not to expose our relationship for the fraud that it was.
“Were you looking for someone up here?” Cassidy tried to discharge the tension in the air between us. “I can show you how to page someone on the comm.”
“No, just giving myself a tour.”
“I figured the captain would’ve liked to have shown you around,” he cleverly noted.
“He wanted to, but he was too busy with the impending departure,” I lied. “I don’t mind.”
“Have you seen the upper deck?”
I shook my head.
“Let’s go take a look at the bridge, then.” He gestured for me to proceed before him down the only hallway. “I think Jordan’s running through diagnostics.”
And sure enough, when we made it to the bridge, there was only one person darting about the expansive room, lined by the biggest windows I’d ever seen on a ship before, giving them a spectacular view of the chaos of the port below.
The woman’s umber skin seemed radiant, regardless of the desaturated Starlane jumpsuit she was wearing.
With her dark hair slicked back into a high ponytail, she appeared to be the embodiment of professionalism, and completely oblivious to the fact that she was no longer alone on the bridge as she flitted between stations and screens to assess the pre-flight checklist.
“Jordan,” Cassidy called out to her.
She spun around, dark eyes narrowing at being interrupted, but then going wide when she spotted me next to Cassidy.
“I was just showing our new chief engineer around.”
Jordan approached, standing tall and proud as she stuck out her hand. “First Officer Jordan Armstrong.”
“Chief Engineer Lark Sterling,” I replied, shaking her hand stiffly, still trying to get a read on her through her uber professional demeanor.
“Sterling…” Jordan rolled the word around her mouth, and my stomach sank. I wasn’t ready for the rumors and the questions and the pitying glances. I just wanted to be Lark.
“She’s the captain’s exception,” Cassidy offered.
Jordan’s eyebrows raised. “I thought Officer Reese was joking.”
Cassidy chuckled.
I ignored them both. “It’s nice to meet you. And I assure you, I have the experience needed for the position, regardless of my connection to the captain.”
Jordan’s gaze flicked from Cassidy back to me. Assessing. Like everyone else. I knew it would happen, being the new person on the crew, but it still felt awkward being under a microscope. It was clear how protective they were of their leader and of each other. I’d have my work cut out for me.
“I would hope so.” Jordan nodded, then turned back to her screens without another word.
“Captain’s office is over there.” Cassidy pointed to a door on the left side of the bridge. “But I think he’s down in the cargo bay helping O’Malley load the shipment.”
I nodded, unsure what to say. I still couldn’t believe any of this was happening.
“I can show you to your quarters, if you’d like. I’m pretty sure Natalie had Rion bring up your luggage earlier.”
“That would be great,” I agreed, following Cassidy through the doorway. The captain’s quarters were only a few paces from the bridge, so we didn’t have far to go.
“I suppose this is where I leave you.” He shoved his hands in his pockets awkwardly.
“Can I ask you a favor?” I blurted out.
“Of course,” Cassidy replied immediately.
“I don’t want them to know I’m one of those Sterlings.” I picked at my fingernails absently, a nervous tick I thought I’d shed long ago…apparently not. “I just want to do my job.”
“And be with the captain,” Cassidy added, his eyes boring into mine, wanting answers I couldn’t give him.
“Yes, and to be with Vaughn,” I agreed.
“I won’t say anything, I promise.” He sighed. “If you need anything…” His eyes flicked up to mine, then back down to the ground. “I’m always here to talk.”
“Thank you.”
“Oh, and there’s a pre-launch meeting in the mess hall in about an hour. You know where that is, right?”
I nodded.
“I’m sure everyone will be dying to meet the woman who finally locked the captain down.” He chuckled, but there was an edge to his tone. Was it regret…disappointment? I’d never know.
“Right.” I gave an uncomfortable chortle.
Watching Cassidy walk back down the hallway to the lift, giving me a brief wave before the doors slid shut, all I could think was that I was completely out of my depth.