Chapter 18
The next morning was my turn to sneak out of the room before Vaughn could wake up.
After everything he’d admitted to me, I was surprised to find that he’d held me all night, just like I’d asked. I felt a pang of guilt at pushing him harder than I’d realized, until the next morning, when post-starshine clarity hit me.
Vaughn’s life had been on a tragic trajectory from the start. And even though I kept telling myself that I just wanted to keep things casual between us, he was making that so much more difficult the more he let me in…the closer he let me get.
It was so warm and comfortable in his arms, but that comfort brought a level of unwelcome anxiety.
It felt like home.
No man had ever held me like that before. More so, I hadn’t felt safe or cherished in a long time, and waking up, with him, like that, made me feel like I could get used to it, but there was an end date to all of this, so I couldn’t afford to let my guard down.
I couldn’t even afford to let myself think about it, or I’d think about Xavier, and how I’d never get to hug him again, and he gave the best fucking hugs. And that was how I found myself crying into my coffee in the quiet early hours before my shift, in the empty mess.
Taking a deep breath, I wiped the moisture from my face and made my way down to the engineering bay, hoping the shitty coffee would somehow ease the headache that was pounding at my temples.
Maybe it was the starshine still swimming around in my head, but I felt conflicted about the night before.
Sure, I was glad to have been able to build some rapport with Ethan and Rion, even though I still needed to have more in-depth one-on-one conversations with both of them to get a better sense of their characters.
I regretted not finding a way to fake taking that double shot of the starshine. Both because of the killer headache, but also because I worried about how it impacted my evening with Vaughn.
The man had the audacity to kiss the hell out of me in his office, and then suddenly changed his tune and decided to be a gentleman and put me to bed, cuddling me all night, instead of having his way with me, like I had offered.
How annoying.
How precious.
And I hadn’t been so tipsy that I’d missed the odd look of disappointment on his face when I’d suggested a ship fling, unless it had all been in my head.
And then he’d opened up to me when he could have easily shut down my nosy questioning.
But what man wouldn’t want a casual affair?
They could get their dick wet without having to invest any emotional attachments. What wasn’t to like?
If my observation had been correct, the thought that he wanted something more than casual sex was oddly intriguing. From the moment I’d gotten the mission from Darren, I had been so focused on what needed to happen on this ship, that I had ignored what would become of me after.
I supposed if the mission was a bust and the Phoenix was still in the wind, that I’d keep hunting Meridian and dismantling as much of their operation as I could in the process.
But if we caught the Phoenix and Meridian imploded, like Darren, Vaughn, and I suspected would happen…
I didn’t know what was next. I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
I used to always be the one with the plan. Xavier was the free spirit, and I was the realist. But after losing him, I’d been adrift for years. And faced with the rest of my life, the task felt so daunting.
All I knew was that whatever came next, I would have to do it alone, because Xavier was gone. Maybe that’s why I’d refused to look to the future, because I didn’t want to dream of one without him in it.
The idea that Vaughn would want anything more than a dalliance felt unrealistic, and I couldn’t get my hopes up like that only to be cast aside, alone, again. So surely I’d been mistaken, or more drunk on the starshine than I’d thought. What did I even have to offer him, other than my body, anyway?
I turned my attention back to my station, starting up the standard diagnostic programs and requesting a deeper analysis than usual to see if it picked up any additional anomalies of concern after everything that had happened the day before.
While the program worked its magic, I took the opportunity to scroll through news feeds about the terrorist attack on Oberon, but I could only stand it for a few minutes before I had to put my comm down.
I should have waited until Vaughn woke up to ask him about the mission. I’d been too distracted by him recently, and we had more important things to think about than fighting and making out with each other.
I needed to start zeroing in on my suspects through targeted questions and tests that would appear innocent enough on the surface, but should give me decent insight on their motives and thought processes.
I was looking for a strategic thinker with an ambitious mind that considered the big picture, as well as someone with exceptional emotional discipline, with a potential side of paranoia.
I still had my sights set on Jordan, but without being able to talk to her alone, I wouldn’t be able to get a more accurate read on whether my instincts were right. And ruling Ethan and Rion out would only help that task.
If things between Vaughn and me really were more amicable, as I hoped, after the night before, then he’d be of help in getting me time with each of his crew to get to know them better, and provide his own opinions and observations on his experience with them, as their captain.
Together, we’d be a force to be reckoned with.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed, I returned to the schematics again, but after about an hour, I’d had no luck in seeing anything that looked out of place.
Then I remembered something…it was mandatory for each ship to have a physical printout of the full ship schematics on board, in case electronic systems went down.
Everyone knew if display systems were down, you had worse problems to deal with, but it was one of those old regulations that never got revisited or repealed, even if it was a bit antiquated.
But that meant that somewhere on board was a version of the schematics that should reflect what the ship looked like fresh off the assembly line. And, of course, the added benefit with physical copies was a much lower risk of tampering, which was all too easy with digital versions.
If I was Vaughn, I’d keep the copy up in my office, and I wanted to talk to him about the mission anyway, so I decided a quick break and trip up to the bridge was in order.
Curiously, the bridge was empty when I arrived.
I had probably just missed Vaughn, who was likely checking in with one of the other officers on duty. I hoped he wouldn’t mind if I started rummaging around his office without him.
Walking over the threshold gave me a flash of the day before, where he had knelt before me, dressing my wounds, and then another flash of me in his lap, us all over each other.
Sheesh, was it getting hot in here, or was it just me?
I unzipped my jumpsuit down to the waist, exposing the white tank top underneath, immediately more comfortable, and tied the arms of the uniform at my waist to keep it from falling down.
Just like his cabin, Vaughn’s office was spotless. There wasn’t a single thing on his desktop, as he usually carried his comm with him, like most of us. And just like the room, most of the drawers and cabinets were locked, and would require his biosignature to open.
But if I was Vaughn, I’d know that those schematics might be needed in an emergency, and that they shouldn’t be locked away.
I stared at the desk. Upon first glance, it seemed ordinary, standard-issue, but the table top was a little larger than its base, which wasn’t standard, and then I saw the latch on the side near the door.
Flicking it open, the top of the desk pulled up like the trunk of an old car, revealing a neat stack of oversized schematic printouts.
“Jackpot.” I smiled to myself.
Bending over the desk, I paged through the stack until I found the set for the lower deck where engineering was located.
My cunning captain hadn’t just gotten standard printouts of each level, but had also procured a version that zoomed in on each deck quadrant, so one wouldn’t need a magnifying glass to see all the details.
“Clever boy.” I chuckled, pulling the lower deck sections to the top.
But just as I’d started to review them, a hand clamped over my mouth, and another around my waist, pulling my back to the front of a large body behind me.
“Hello, Trouble,” Vaughn whispered darkly, his lips grazing the shell of my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.
Still, I fought against his hold, unsure of his motives.
“Relax,” he crooned, sliding his hand up from my waist to brush against the underside of my breast. The hand around my mouth slipped away, down my throat, where he gently squeezed before moving it to my hip, resting his chin on the crook of my shoulder to see what I was doing. “Spying on me?”
“You scared me.” I scowled, turning my head to glare up at him. I was surprised to find a look of genuine amusement on his face. He wasn’t mad at me; he was teasing me.
“You could have asked me for the schematics.” He ran his palm in circles, massaging my hip. “I would have given them to you.”
“You sure about that?” I hedged, trying not to think about his other hand, still resting just below my breast. “I’m still not convinced you don’t hate me.”
“It’s not hate.” He gave a soft laugh behind me, his hand finally moving up to cup my breast, eliciting a soft gasp from me. “I require control. You are chaos incarnate.” He nuzzled into my neck, sucking at the skin at the juncture. “I don’t hate you. If anything, I fear you.”
I wanted to believe what he was saying, but until recently, our relationship had been so adversarial, I didn’t quite know how to turn off my instinct to snipe back at him.