37. Sinker #2
“It was never anything you did. If anything, you were my salvation—the one bright ray of sunshine in my life. But you were always off-limits. I knew Xavier would never let me get close to you, and even if he did, there was no way your parents would allow you to be with their aide’s kid.
” His tone grew frustrated. “So I just waited. Bided my time. Until I had the chance to make my own way, define my own legacy, and prove to everyone that I was worthy of everything that had been denied to me.”
“Of course you are.”
“Meridian saw value in me, where others had not. They gave me opportunities that I never would have received elsewhere. I never asked to lead anyone, but they needed someone to step up, and I was the one they wanted. Finally, I was wanted. I hope you understand,” he pleaded.
“You just wanted to be seen. That’s all anyone wants,” I tried to placate him.
He ran his hand through his hair, perhaps nervous about the remainder of the story.
“Meridian already had their sights set on your parents because of how much activism they’d done against the organization. You have to know there was nothing I could have done about what happened to them…not that early on.” He squeezed my hand again.
“I was never close to them.” A small truth, but the context that was missing was that while I hadn’t really been raised by my parents, I still felt strongly about their work and their legacy.
They had sacrificed raising me and Xavier to make the system a better place, and they had lost their lives because of their calling.
It had still been difficult growing up without them around, but as an adult, I was at least able to grasp the position they were put in and I can’t say I wouldn’t have made the same choice.
“I’ve always felt like they went too hard on Meridian.
With Starlane in control of everything in the system, there’s nothing left for anyone else.
Meridian gives people opportunities they could never receive by sticking with the status quo.
You’re a testament to that.” I repeated the rhetoric I knew they used to indoctrinate their followers.
“Exactly!” Cassidy grinned. “I wish I’d known you understood. I would have come for you sooner, but I worried you might feel differently, having worked for IA.”
“I worked for IA because there was nowhere else for me to go. I hated it there. I hated the things I had to do.” Again, another half truth.
My missions gave me purpose, even if the means in which I used to accomplish them felt deceptive.
“I was too scared to try and find a way into Meridian. But since Xavier died, I spent a lot more time looking into them and trying to figure out if there was a place for me outside of IA and Starlane.”
Cassidy’s face brightened, as if my response had answered a question he’d had.
Because if Darren was right, he likely knew I’d been asking around about the organization and the Phoenix.
He may have rightfully assumed it was to seek vengeance, but clearly Cassidy heard what he wanted to.
“Xavier…it…I’m truly sorry about what happened to him. ”
My stomach tightened. “I know he didn’t overdose.
I knew he was working with you, but he wouldn’t tell me in what capacity.
I loved him very much, but you saw how overbearing he always was.
You can tell me what happened. I won’t blame you.
” I gave him the permission he needed to be honest. I just had to hope he’d offer me the truth.
“I wasn’t upfront with him about why I needed his help with the encryption work.
I just needed time to figure out how to make him understand that Meridian was a worthy cause.
But he figured it out before I got the chance.
” Cassidy took a deep breath, his eyes, once trained on his desk, flicked up to meet mine as he said, “I didn’t give the order. I can promise you that.”
I gave him a soft nod of understanding while my blood boiled and I blinked back tears.
“I found out too late. When his betrayal was discovered, the person he was collaborating with took matters into his own hands, to make sure the organization was protected. I would have handled it a different way.” He squeezed my hand again. “Can you ever forgive me?”
I took a moment before speaking. “You did what you had to do to protect yourself. I can’t blame you for possessing self-preservation.”
He exhaled a long breath before giving me a small smile. “I love you, Lark. I’ve always loved you.”
“I love you too, Cassidy.”
“When we get back to Phobos, I’m going to take care of you,” he offered.
“I’d like that.”
“Do you think you can make it that long, with the captain on board? If we need to depart at Ganymede, I’m sure I can find another way for us to return.”
“No.” I shook my head. “It might be suspicious, and Vaughn’s pissed off enough as it is, now that he knows things are over between us.
I don’t want to give him any more reason to do something stupid.
We’ll finish the run. Part ways as amicably as possible, and then you and I have the rest of our lives to figure things out. ”
“I’d like that.” He smiled at me, mirroring my words.
I could only swallow my hatred.
Three days, I thought.