Chapter 3
Chapter Three
Luna
I’ve never enjoyed dating.
I like having a boyfriend and being in a relationship, but the early stages of dating where you ask all the questions and figure out if you really like someone? Not my thing. And I’ve done way too much of that over the years.
Luckily, after more than four months, Roger and I are past the awkward stuff. That’s why I’m going to talk to him about our future tonight. I’m a little nervous because I’m not sure he’ll be on board for what I have in mind but I’m not getting any younger.
It’s not that I’m old. Thirty-five isn’t old by most standards.
Except the one on my mind.
The one where my OBGYN told me my days for getting pregnant are numbered.
That between being overweight, having PCOS/PMOS, and the fact that thirty-five is the age where even healthy women are considered geriatric when it comes to pregnancy, she thinks every year I wait will be that much more difficult for me.
That said, I have no intention of waiting to find the perfect guy.
I’m perfectly capable of raising a child on my own, but I don’t want to.
I’d like a partner, even if the relationship doesn’t work out and we become nothing more than co-parents.
I want my child to grow up with both a mom and a dad.
I also have a support network now, which is part of what swayed my decision to do this now.
Due to the growing number of children in our circle at Shadow Security, Daniil and Courtney are planning to start on-site daycare in the fall.
So the baby can be in the building while I work.
There’s also a generous maternity leave plan in the works, though I’ll be the first to test it out since Courtney doesn’t really work for Shadow Security.
She and Daniil started it together, and she plans to participate now that they bought a helicopter and she’s a pilot, but on a day-to-day basis we don’t count on her for shifts.
I know nothing is ever as easy in practice as it is in theory, but I’ve spoken to Courtney about my plans and she’s promised they’ll make it work because they need me.
No one else on the team has my coding skills.
My hacking background. My expertise in cyber security.
That’s why they hired me, despite my colorful past.
“Luna. There you are.” Roger’s voice is warm, his smile genuine when I walk up to the restaurant in Temecula, which is where we both live. He reaches out, hugs me with one arm and kisses me lightly, eyes raking over me. “You look…lovely.”
“Thank you.” I’m wearing my favorite hot pink summer dress with matching platform heels. My hair is also the same color, thanks to a visit to my stylist yesterday.
“Our table is ready. Shall we?” He holds out his arm, and I take it.
He’s old-fashioned that way, and I find it charming. He’s a bit older than I am, in his late forties, but we’ve talked about relationships, marriage, and those kinds of things, and seem to be on the same page for almost all of it.
We sit at a nice table overlooking the garden behind the restaurant and order a bottle of wine.
He tells me about his day as we peruse the menus.
There’s an osso Bucco that sounds amazing, as well as a chateaubriand that we’d have to share.
I’m always a little self-conscious about what I eat in front of a man, even after all these months.
I know, it’s a terrible stereotype, but I’m five eleven and over two hundred pounds.
I’m a big girl by today’s standards, and men can be jerks. Roger has never said or done anything to make me self-conscious about my weight but we don’t usually go out to nice restaurants like this, with multiple courses, a breadbasket, and potentially all the bells and whistles.
“Would you want to share the chateaubriand?” I ask him.
He smiles and nods. “That sounds great.”
The waiter comes over and we order an appetizer and our meal. Then he continues telling me about his day at work. He’s a civil engineer, and though I find his work boring, I feign interest because I figure he feels the same way when I talk about my work.
Also, because I want him to consider me someone who’d make a good life partner. To want to start something more serious. To agree to start working on making a baby.
“What about your day?” he asks politely, after we’ve finished the stuffed fig appetizer we ordered. “Catch any bad guys?”
Due to the nondisclosure agreement we all signed, I can’t talk about the details of my work, but he knows I’m a security expert for a bodyguard and security company.
“Today was quiet,” I say, and it’s true. “I actually spent part of the day hanging out with Courtney. She’s having her baby any day now.”
He nods. “It seems to be a very family-oriented company.”
“It is.” And here’s my opening. “That’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about,” I say carefully.
He cocks his head and pushes his glasses up on his nose. “What do you mean?”
“I know it’s soon, but the truth is, I’m getting older.” I toy with my wine glass because I need to do something with my hands. “I guess I need to know if this relationship is going anywhere. If you’re looking to move in together, settle down, maybe buy a house.”
His brows knit together ever so slightly and he cocks his head. “It might be a little soon for that, but yes, if things continue to go well, that’s the direction I’d like to go. I’m not getting any younger myself.”
“And that’s the other thing.” I hesitate because it’s hard for a woman like me to be vulnerable. “I need to know your thoughts about…children.”
His brows lift. Just a little. Like he’s trying to hide his surprise. “Are you asking if I want…children?”
I nod, watching his face.
“I see.” His expression is more thoughtful than anything else but it takes him a long time to formulate a response.
“I’m forty-seven,” he reiterates finally.
“Even if you got pregnant today, I’d be forty-eight before the baby came, and you said children, plural.
So, I’d be fifty for the birth of a second child.
Honestly, I don’t know if I’m prepared for that. ”
My heart sinks.
Shit.
I really thought shy, nerdy Roger was the one who would be willing to take this leap of faith with me.
He’s been open about the fact that not a lot of women are willing to give a middle-class guy who’s balding and severely near-sighted—not to mention heading right smack into middle age—a chance.
Just like a hunk-and-a-half like Rage would never have any interest in dating a curvy computer nerd like me.
It’s a shame too, because as far as I’m concerned, Rage is the perfect guy. Tall, strong, and handsome, with a gentleness that belies his large physique. And that smile. It gets me every time. Too bad he would never think about me as anything more than a friend.
I really need to stop thinking about him.
“So, is that a no?”
“Is that a dealbreaker for you?” he asks as the waiter brings our dinner.
I wait until the waiter has refilled our wine glasses and we’re alone again.
“To answer your question,” I say quietly, “yes. It is a dealbreaker. I want a baby. Sooner rather than later. In fact, I was going to ask you if you were willing to start trying. But I guess not.”
He frowns in obvious confusion. “You want to just…start trying?” Like he can’t even fathom such a thing.
“I’m thirty-five,” I say patiently. “Ancient in baby-making years. Plus, I have PMOS.”
“PMOS?”
“Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome. It used to be called PCOS.”
“I…” He falters for a moment. “Honestly, I don’t know anything about it.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I lift one shoulder half-heartedly.
This is frustrating.
“Are you…mad?” he asks softly, watching my face carefully.
“Disappointed,” I reply. “Not mad.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I knew there was a chance you’d say no. But that’s why I had to ask. I don’t have time to waste on casual dating. Now that I know, I can move on.”
He stares at me. “So, that’s it? We’re not going to see each other again?”
“That’s what a dealbreaker is,” I remind him gently.
He pushes his glasses back up his nose again. “Wait—you’re serious. Like, this having a baby thing is your top priority.”
“Well,” I back pedal just a little. “Obviously, feeling safe and happy with a good person I can share my life with is important too. Otherwise, I could just buy sperm from a bank and be done.”
He blinks.
I can almost see the wheels turning. He’s trying to figure me out and I get it.
Lots of guys have tried to figure me out over the years.
I’m a handful in more ways than one. I’m tall and curvy, with big breasts and wide hips.
I change hair color the way some people change underwear.
Not to mention the hoop in my eyebrow and the sleeve of tattoos down one arm.
Add in the fact that I have an IQ of 165—there are very few men who can handle me.
Roger seemed to be doing okay.
Until now.
He takes off his glasses and dabs his napkin on his forehead. “I’m sorry. This is just—”
“A lot.” I manage a tight smile. Because I’ve heard this more times than I can count. “I know.”
“I think maybe I could use some time to think about it,” he says after an awkward silence.
“Sure,” I say cautiously. “I can give you a little time.”
It’s not like men are lining up to father a child for me.
Even though starting the hunt all over again will be a pain in the ass.
He watches me carefully. Probably wondering if I’m going to make a scene or do some other outrageous thing. But that’s not my style. Mostly, I just want to go home and hide under the covers.
“I was thinking I’d talk to my mother,” Roger says, startling me back to the conversation.
“Your…mother?” I ask in confusion.
“Well, yes. I always turn to her when I need counsel about something important. I think maybe she could offer some perspective.”
His mother? I’ve never even met her so I didn’t realize they were that close.
Jesus, maybe I’m dodging a bullet here.
Before I can respond, my phone buzzes. I pull it out of my small clutch purse automatically and see it isn’t a text but it’s actually ringing. And it’s Daniil.
“I’m sorry, this is my boss. It might be important.” I answer quietly. “Daniil?”
“Luna. I know you’re off tonight but—”
“What’s happened?” I ask automatically.
“Courtney’s in labor. We’re leaving for the hospital in a few minutes and I’m taking a full security detail.
I could really use you here to help oversee things and hold down the fort.
Rage and Mark will be with you, but I need to be able to focus on my wife without worrying about our safety or that of headquarters. ”
“Of course!” I say quickly. “I’ll settle up here and be there in twenty minutes.”
“Great. Thank you.”
“Give Courtney my love.”
“Will do.” He disconnects, and I put my phone away while digging out my credit card.
“I’m sorry, I have to go. My boss’s wife is in labor, and they need me at headquarters.”
“On a Friday night?” He looks dubious.
“Courtney’s in labor,” I repeat, looking around for our waiter. I wave him over and ask for the bill. “Please put half on this,” I say, handing the waiter my card.
The waiter puts down the credit card receipt, and I sign it hurriedly, before stuffing the card back in my purse.
“Take care of yourself, Roger.” Now that I have a legitimate excuse, I get to my feet.
“I’ll call you in a few days,” he replies quickly, also standing up. “And let me walk you—”
“I’m fine!” I say impatiently. “Really.”
I turn and head for the door, eager to just put this whole evening behind me.
I take two steps when my foot hits something slippery and then both feet slide out from under me. My legs go wide, my purse goes flying, and I watch in a kind of slow-motion horror as a waiter trips over my legs.
The tray of food he’s carrying goes in every direction.
And then two plates’ worth of pasta carbonara bounce off my head and splatters all over me.