Chapter 5
Chapter Five
Luna
I’ve long since come to terms with the fact that I’m…
a big girl. I’ve been plus sized since high school.
In those days, I cried a lot. But college changed everything.
I worked hard to lose twenty-five pounds and even though I was still bigger, I felt stronger and more confident.
Plus, going to MIT put me in a totally different league.
Everyone there was smart, much more focused on brains than beauty.
I got my first boyfriend, started playing with my personal style and hair colors, got my first tattoo, and genuinely started becoming comfortable in my skin.
I learned to love my bigger body and in those days I spent a lot of time at the gym.
Not because it was going to make me skinny but because it made me confident.
Strong. Fit. So going up and down three flights of stairs didn’t leave me winded and sweaty.
Everything changed when I got arrested.
Things got bad when I had to file bankruptcy.
They got worse when I had to go into witness protection.
My life has been a disaster the last seven years.
I’ll never be able to repay Daniil and Courtney for saving me.
Believing in me. Not just giving me back my life but affording me the opportunity to work in the field I love with a job I love.
I thought those days were over and I’d be relegated to data entry work for the rest of my life.
And the cherry on top of the incredibly generous sundae is them allowing me to be a part owner in the company, working with equally smart, competent people.
I even have girlfriends now, something I wasn’t sure I could risk after being forced into witness protection. If I’m honest, everything about this job has been a blessing. It’s allowed me to slowly begin rebuilding my life, which is why I decided that the time was right to have a baby.
I waffle between wanting to wait until I find someone I can fall head over heels in love with and settling for a good man who’ll make a reliable partner and co-parent. Roger isn’t my typical type, but I thought he was different—and maybe, under the right circumstances, I could learn to love him.
Apparently, I miscalculated.
I wasn’t deluding myself into believing he would be the love of my life but if he was willing to have a baby and make a life together, that would be enough. Instead, the conversation went sideways and I wound up embarrassing myself in my haste to get out of there.
Ugh.
Then Rage stepped in and got all protective and angry when he saw me.
The weird thing is, as much as it annoyed me, I kind of like the fact that he cares enough to get upset.
That he got angry when he thought someone had purposely hurt me.
It’s been a very long time since anyone cared about me like that.
Protected me. Or at least, wanted to protect me.
That he could pick me up like I weigh nothing also made my heart beat a little faster.
I mean, how could it not? Rage is sex appeal on two very strong, muscular legs. He’s got dark wavy hair that sticks up sometimes when he’s in a hurry, and these expressive blue eyes that always make me feel like he can see inside me. His smile is great too.
And then there’s his body.
I love a tall, muscular man and Rage is all that and more.
Tall, around six-five, with shoulders that fill any doorway he walks through.
I’ve seen him without a shirt and it’s truly breathtaking, how flat and hard and ripped his abdomen is.
I’ve never known a man in real life with the abdominal V, but Rage has it and I won’t deny having fantasies about licking it.
All the guys at Shadow look damn good without shirts but there’s something different about Rage. The way he handles himself. The timbre of his voice. His huge but gentle hands.
On top of that, he’s college-educated, smart, articulate, and a genuinely nice guy.
When he says good morning and asks about my weekend, it’s not just something he says in passing.
He actually waits for me to respond. If I talk about a video game, he asks about it.
If I talk about shopping with the girls, he asks if I bought anything fun.
I can’t remember any guy in my past who made me feel seen. Heard. Like I matter. I know it’s a professional relationship, because he seems to be like that with everyone at Shadow Security, but it’s still a refreshing change.
Sadly, guys like Rage don’t date women like me.
He might want to sleep with me, but I’m not in the market for a one-time hookup.
I wouldn’t do that with Rage anyway, because he’s just too magnificent for words.
Not to mention a co-worker. I don’t think there would be anything casual about hooking up with him.
Too bad. Because I’d love to make a baby with him. Build on our friendship…
Oh well.
A girl can dream.
I get all the carbonara and whatever else was clinging to my skin and hair off in the shower and dry off.
I don’t bother blow drying my hair and stick it in a ponytail.
I can’t be bothered with makeup either, not after the night I’ve had.
And if I’m going to pull an all-nighter, I’m more interested in comfort.
That’s why I’m glad I had a pair of yoga pants and an oversized T-shirt in my locker, along with undergarments and sneakers.
My foot is sore and swollen just enough to force me to loosen the laces on that sneaker. I probably shouldn’t even bother since I need to ice it, but I don’t want to walk around barefoot either.
“You ready, Luna?” Rage’s voice is loud in the empty locker room, and I jump.
“Yeah, I’m coming.”
“I told you I was going to wrap your foot,” he says, walking in.
He’s so…big, standing there looking down at me.
Then he squats and reaches for my foot for the second time tonight.
And I’m a little awestruck by it.
How gentle his hands are. How careful he is as he removes my sock and starts to wrap the ankle expertly. Like he’s done this before.
“Not your first time wrapping an ankle,” I comment wryly.
He chuckles. “Not hardly. I wound up working as an unofficial medic on my last tour in the Middle East. I learned a lot.”
“I see that.”
“There.” He puts my foot down and looks up. “That should give you support. I’m not sure how you’re going to get the sneaker on but once you’re at your station, you don’t need to worry about it.”
“Thank you,” I say sincerely. “Tonight was just… a disaster.”
“I’m sorry you had to deal with all that,” he says, sinking onto the bench next to me.
“The whole night was a bust anyway,” I say with a shrug. “I thought maybe we were going to take the relationship to the next level but he obviously isn’t ready.”
“That’s his loss,” he says softly.
I smile sadly. “I guess. I’m just running out of time.”
He cocks his head. “For what?”
“To have a baby,” I say without looking at him. “I want to be a mom. But I’m thirty-five and also have PMOS, which is—”
“Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome.”
I blink, stunned. “How did…”
“I read,” he says solemnly. “It was all over the place when they changed the name from PCOS to PMOS, so I was curious.”
“Oh.” I don’t know how to respond to that. “Well, getting pregnant will probably be difficult so I need to start now. I mean, I don’t know how long it will take me.”
“Women are having babies well into their forties these days.”
“Yes, but it’s different for me because of the PMOS.”
“So, you were going to ask Roger to be your baby daddy?”
Heat floods my cheeks. “Well, we’ve been dating for a few months, and I thought things were going well.
We have a lot in common, so I hoped he might want to take the relationship further.
Somehow, the conversation didn’t go as planned and suddenly he was saying stuff like, ‘I should talk to my mother about this’ and I was like, oh no no no…
this is a big red flag.” I don’t know why I’m opening up like this, but he’s so easy to talk to and it feels good to be able to talk about it.
“Jesus, Luna.” He shakes his head. “Why were you even considering this with him? I mean, are you in love with him?”
I sigh, a little embarrassed now. “No. I just want a baby before it’s too late. And my life has been such a clusterfuck the last few years. I’m finally on the right track, you know? With my health issues, I can’t wait until I find the perfect guy.”
“Does he have to be perfect? Because if not, you could just ask me to do it.” His eyes twinkle, but I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t skip a beat.
He’s not serious, though, so I play it off like it wouldn’t be the most amazing thing ever.
I chuckle. “Yeah, right. Like you’re in the market to make a baby with a veritable stranger.”
“I’m not not in the market. I wouldn’t be a bad dad.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” I can’t even imagine what that would be like, but I know he’s kidding.
“But anyway, I’m not sure if our definitions of perfect are the same.
I don’t mean perfect like movie star good-looking, a billionaire, approximately the same age, and hopelessly in love with me.
I’m talking about a reasonable kind of perfect.
Has a job. Actually likes me and doesn’t make comments about my weight or—”
“Wait—do guys you date make comments about your weight?” He looks genuinely confused.
“Well, duh. I mean, look at me.” I motion down to my body.
“I am looking.” His eyes move over me briefly, an intensity in them that’s hard to identify, but they settle back on my gaze before I can be sure. “You’re beautiful, Luna.”
An unfamiliar flush of pleasure washes over me.
When was the last time someone that wasn’t trying to get in my pants called me beautiful? Hell, they usually don’t even do it then.
“I’m attractive,” I concede, “but we both know today’s beauty standards don’t apply to women my size. And even if I was thin, most guys don’t like a woman that’s nearly six feet tall.”
“Fuck them and fuck that. I love a tall woman.”