30. Scarlett
Chapter 30
Scarlett
“ I wanted to slap her. I did. I’m not proud of it, but I really did for a second.”
Cian yanks his shirt off and tosses it by the bed.
I fight a smile as he paces to the window.
“I know I shouldn’t say this—as an adult, a kid shouldn’t be able to get to me like this, but I swear to God, Scarlett, Leah Lawton is such a little bitch.”
“I know she seems that way. It’s not totally her fault,” I tell him.
He was his usual fun, happy self during dinner and clean-up but the minute Mariah left to study for her history test at Greta’s, he told me his side of the confrontation between Mariah and Leah after school.
He is not happy and seeing him so protective of my daughter has my heart—and my ovaries—all twisted up.
“I wish she would leave Mariah alone about church and youth group, but I can’t help but feel a little sorry for Leah,” I say. “She’s just trying to please her parents and her church leaders. She is trying to be who she thinks she’s supposed to be. She’s trying to get their approval and their love.”
“It is her fault,” Cian argues. He shoves a hand through his hair. “Every time she opens her mouth about this, she’s making a choice. I know she’s sixteen. I know she has a lot of people in her head influencing her. But this is as good a time as any to learn to mind her own business.”
I shake my head. “The church thinks everyone’s lives are their business.”
I’m in bed. In only a T-shirt and panties. Fresh out of the shower. He’s in his sweatpants, and no shirt. We have the house to ourselves. Ruby’s at work and Mariah is at Greta’s until eleven.
But even my panties-only attire in bed isn’t distracting him from today’s situation with Mariah and Leah.
Mariah told me everything. From the podcast to what Leah said to what Cian said.
I’d already heard the podcast. I’d listened twice, fast forwarding the second time through the parts about Abigail’s upcoming online gardening club meeting, Linnea and Jonah’s return to the island next week, and a new recipe that Lindsey had tried.
But I’d wanted to re-listen to the part about how Cian had introduced the woman he’s in love with to his family and how they all loved her.
Cian moves up the side of the bed. He sits down on the mattress next to me. “I hated seeing Mariah vulnerable like that. But she was tough. She was…sure of herself. That was amazing.”
I smile.
“Then she told me that she’s okay standing up for herself but that it’s really nice to have other people do it sometimes.” He shakes his head. “That really got to me.”
It gets to me too. I know she can handle herself, but should she have to? Really? All of this is because of me.
“How does ridiculing people and publicly pointing out their flaws—or their perceived flaws—win them over?” he asks. “How can that church actually think that’s an effective method of bringing people in?”
I drop my eyes to the duvet. “It doesn’t win people over. But it makes people afraid. No one wants to be the odd man out. No one wants to be painted as bad or wrong. So they fall into line.”
Cian is quiet for a long moment, then he reaches over and tips my chin up. “Tell me.”
Obviously, he can tell there’s a story here. But it’s not one I want him to know. It’s not one I’m proud of. “I know exactly what happened with Mariah and Leah. Even before Mariah told me. Because it’s what Hannah and I used to do.”
Cian’s expression is a combination of frustration and sympathy. “Fuck, Scarlett.”
I nod. “It’s terrible. It makes the person being pointed at feel awful and, supposedly, want to be embraced into the group. It makes the group feel superior and bonded because they're already “in”. But it's awful. And I hate that it happened to Mariah. And honestly, I hate that it's happening to Leah, too. Because she's being turned into a mean, manipulative person. And there is a very good chance that someday she is going to feel terrible about this. It's possible that she's going to carry guilt over this for years. If she doesn't, then she's going to be stuck with a group of people that never truly care about her or vice versa, but are together because they're stuck.” I sigh. “I hate the way Leah treats Mariah, but I feel bad for Leah too. I know Leah, because I was Leah.”
He looks at me for a long moment. “You kill me a little bit every time you tell me about the church and your dad.”
I take a deep breath. “I'm sorry.”
“Don't be sorry. I want to know every part of you.” He leans in, bracing his hand on the mattress on the other side of my hip, caging me in. “Do you forgive yourself for all of that? Do you believe that you are a good person? That you've grown past all of that and that you don't need to beat yourself up about it anymore?”
Slowly, I nod my head. “Yes. Most days. Sometimes it still nags at me. But I think that I am a more empathetic person and that I can see past people’s meanness and mistakes more easily because of all of that. And maybe that's a good thing.”
He cups my face. “It is a good thing. Because I want to rush in and hurt anyone who hurts the people I love. But Mariah needs to learn to try to see deeper into other people sometimes. She's learning a lot of strength from you.”
“I want her to fight for herself. I want her to stand up. I don't want her to accept cruelty and intimidation.”
“I know. We have to teach her all of that. How to be forgiving, how to be compassionate, while still standing up for herself.”
All of his words reach into my chest and wrap around my heart. I feel it beating hard and a voice in my head tells me not to ask the question on the tip of my tongue.
Still, I do. “ We have to teach her all of that?”
The look he gives me clearly says really ? “In case I haven't made it clear, I love your daughter. I think she's amazing and I've had nothing to do with that, but I would really like to be around to watch her turn into the incredible woman she’s going to be. You and Ruby have been an amazing support system for her, and I’d love to see all the things she can accomplish with all of my people around her too.”
I swallow hard. It's difficult to force anything, air or words, past the tightness in my throat. “I'm not sure you have any idea how sexy it is that you feel protective of and amazed by my daughter.”
“I'm not sure you have any idea how sexy it is that you are a single mom who lets her daughter see that she's not perfect, but that she knows how to apologize and how to try again and to love so much even with a broken heart.”
My breath feels like it’s stuck in my lungs.
Of course, this whole thing with Cian and me affects and involves Mariah. I’ve never not realized that. But we joked about her being a princess. We talked lightly about her meeting Saoirse and Abigail and Fiona. But now I truly realize what this would mean for her.
Cian would be her Brian.
I wouldn’t be who I am without Brian. A lot of the good inside of me wouldn’t exist without Brian being a part of my life. After the hurt and rejection and confusion I’d felt with my father and Eli, I still understood love and acceptance and forgiveness because of Brian.
I feel tears fill my eyes.
That doesn’t seem to make Cian even blink. “I want to be out loud about you,” he says. “About us. About Mariah. And I don’t mean as Dean Brady. I mean me . I hate the hiding and lying.” He blows out a breath. “And I hate that we’re making Mariah quiet and making her hide the truth. She wants to be out loud about her family, the good things, the happy things.”
“Okay,” I say softly.
His eyes light up and his brows arch. “Okay?”
“After next week. A few more days. You finish teaching or it will be awkward but then…okay.”
“Fuck,” he says, but it sounds almost reverent. “Yes.”
Then he kisses me with a passion and a sweetness I haven’t felt from him before. And I definitely can't speak. But I don't have any words anyway, so I just wrap my arms around his neck, pull him down on the bed, and hope that as I make love to him, he understands that my heart isn’t so broken anymore.