Solae
“I don’t want to do this, Rah.”
I was fighting back tears as Rah and I rode the Dan Ryan towards downtown.
He didn’t respond. All I could hear was Moses’ voice. Rah always played Moses’ music.
“Rah, listen to me,” I said as I turned the radio down.
With sympathy in his eyes, he looked at me quickly and then put his eyes back on the road.
I had gone through so much the night before that I woke up the next morning remembering that I had to go to the clinic. I didn’t want to go before the robbery, but I definitely didn’t want to after what I’d just experienced.
Life was so precious.
“I don’t want to do this, Rah,” I reiterated.
“We’re not ready for another kid,” he said while grabbing my hand gently.
“I don’t mean any disrespect when I say this, but why do you have to be ready? You’re hardly home with the kids anyway. I’m the one at home with them all day. So having this baby would be on me, not you.”
“And on my pockets,” he answered without looking me in the eyes.
While I had been successful in not crying like a baby before, what he just said made the tears fall along with sobs.
I saw the sympathy in his face when he heard me crying.
Though we already had two children, they were older.
I felt like at the age of twenty–seven if I didn’t have another child then, I probably never would.
I had never experienced having a baby and being happy about it.
Essence and Elijah were mistakes, beautiful mistakes, but mistakes, nonetheless.
There was no celebration, no congratulations, and no baby showers.
There was only scolding from our parents for having babies so early.
I felt like this baby was my last chance to have a happy pregnancy.
This was our chance to experience a happy birth of one of our children and raise it right.
We had finally gotten to a place where we could afford to live and get our kids whatever we wanted.
I wanted to be able to give our child what it took our first two, too long to experience.
When I found out that I was pregnant with this baby, I actually smiled. That had never happened to me before. Every time that I got pregnant before, it was a depressing realization because, at the time, I was too young to have a baby.
But now the timing was perfect. We were engaged to be married, and Rah and I were financially comfortable.
“Baby, just give us a little more time,” Rah said as his thumb stroked the back of my hand.
I tried to look away, but he softly tugged at my hand to get my attention.
“Listen to me… I’m not saying no forever.
You know I want us to have a big family.
But not right now. It’s not about me not wanting it.
It’s about making sure when we do it, we do it right.
” He squeezed my hand a little tighter, like he needed me to feel his words.
“I’ve got money moving in places you can’t even imagine, and all of it is about building us up.
I’m putting everything I can into Moses’ career, into setting up our life so that when we do decide to have another baby, we’ll have no worries.
I hated watching you struggle through our first two pregnancies.
I don’t want that for you anymore. I want to be able to give you and our kids everything you deserve from day one.
I care too much about you to bring a baby into a situation where I’m still grinding this hard, out late, and hustling to get us where we need to be.
” He looked at me briefly and smiled in the way that always made me blush.
“Of course, I want to have as many kids as I can with the love of my life. You know that. But I want to do it when you don’t have to lift a finger because I got it all.
And we’re almost there. I just need you to trust me a little longer.
I promise, I’ll make it up to you a thousand times over.
I love you to death, Solae. You’re my forever.
Just… let me make sure we’re set before we take that next step. ”
When he lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed it, I let it go.
I appreciated the love that I felt right then. Between how much I worked, the kids, and how much time Rah spent at the bar and the studio, we didn’t spend much alone time together. And though we were on our way to a somber moment, having him there to hold my hand was reassuring.