Chapter 8 Solae
SOLAE
Isat on the couch next to my father with tears streaming down my face. He’d come over to drop off the kids’ Christmas presents to open the next morning.
Three weeks ago, after the bank robbery and terminating my pregnancy, I expected for life to be back to normal by now.
But life felt like the ground had opened up under me and was trying to drag me down to hell.
All those nights I stayed home with our kids, thinking Rah was working, thinking he was building something for us, he was really building lies.
I couldn’t stop wondering how long he’d been doing this, or how many times he looked me in my eyes and swore I was the only one.
My heart was broken, but what twisted the knife in deeper was seeing how pissed he was, not because he lost me, not because he broke our family, but because of the money.
Rah cared more about his pockets being lighter than about me walking away.
That’s when it hit me hard: I was never the priority. The hustle was.
My father put his arm around me as I lay my head on his shoulder. Simultaneously, he began to rub my shoulder as he told me, “It’s going to be okay.”
“I can’t believe he did this. It hurts.”
I don’t know what hurt worse; Aaliyah, her baby, or the baby that I didn’t have. He hadn’t confirmed anything, but I knew that Rah was cheating on me with that chick and that was his baby.
I felt like I was dying over and over again.
“Solae, if he can’t love you the right way, let him go.”
“I am, but it hurts. It hurts so bad. I don’t understand how he can love me one minute and then be so cold the next. I feel like the past fourteen years have all been a lie. I feel bad for the kids too. I know they like having their father here. I really don’t want to raise them by myself either.”
“You know what’s worse than being a single mother? Staying with a nigga that ain’t shit because you don’t want to be one.”
That stung, but he was right. I didn’t even try to argue with him. I so desperately tried to get my head together while Elijah and Essence got dressed. We were going to my grandmother’s house for our annual Christmas tradition.
“I just lost my job. I can’t do this alone,” I cried. “Even if I could, I really don’t want to.”
“It’s too many women staying in hurtful relationships because they are afraid of raising kids alone and being alone.
It’s okay to be alone, and it’s okay to be in a relationship.
But it’s not okay to be both at the same damn time.
The fact that he says ‘I love you’ doesn’t give him permission to put you through shit, and it doesn’t mean that you have to stay and deal with it. All love ain’t loyal, baby.”
There was no denying the harsh reality in every word he said. He was right. Though at this point, I wasn’t questioning whether or not I wanted to be with Rah. I was just hurt that it had come to this.
When I heard a knock at the door, I got nervous that it was Rah.
My dad saw the anxiety on my face as another round of knocks began, only this time harder.
“I’ll get it,” my dad told me as he stood from the couch.
We both knew that it was Rah, who had been blowing my phone up all day, threatening me for having the audacity to defy him and burn up all his money. I trusted that, with my dad’s wide stance and height, Rah would lose all aggression when that door opened.
Yet, to our surprise, there was a woman in a suit standing on the other side of the door. Two police officers accompanied her.
“Hi, sir. My name is Theresa. I’m with the Department of Children and Family Services.”
The woman was older and held a stern expression as she and the officers entered without invitation. My father and I looked at one another in confusion as he slowly closed the door behind them.
“May I help you?” I could imagine that I looked a hot mess as I stood to meet the woman and the officers in the middle of the floor.
My head ached more as I realized that they had trampled all over my carpet with shoes that were wet from the falling snow flurries outside.
When the woman sighed heavily and kept her stern expression, I got worried.
“Ma’am, I am a caseworker at DCFS. We’ve received a report of child abuse in the home. Your children’s father, Rahzan Ramli, has filed a complaint.”
All breath left my body. “What?!”
My father rushed towards me to assist me as I lost my strength and plopped down on the couch. “What the hell are you talking about? She doesn’t abuse her children!”
“Sir, we have to follow up on all complaints, thoroughly,” she interrupted my dad dismissively. “Reportedly, one of the children has a broken arm…”
I interrupted her allegation. “That happened in school!”
She ignored my protest. “Where are the children?”
My father’s chest heaved. “Why?”
“State law permits an investigative specialist to take temporary protective custody of children without the consent of the person responsible for the child’s welfare if there is reason to believe that the children are in immediate danger, and there is no time to file a petition in court.
Since its the holidays, there is no time for a petition… ”
I had lost it when I heard the word temporary custody.
That meant that they were taking my children.
“Don’t do this, please,” I begged. “Rah is lying. My kids aren’t in danger! Please…”
She couldn’t have cared a fuck less about my protest. “We have to temporarily remove the children from the home to investigate this matter.”
My father winced in pain. I had never seen him so hurt in my life. “What?! It’s Christmas!”
Tears slid down my cheeks. “I don’t beat my children.”
“We have to determine that during an investigation since we have evidence that proves otherwise.”
“What evidence?!”
Elijah and Essence entered the living room with eyes wide with curiosity. I cringed as the woman and the officers noticed Elijah’s cast and looked at me suspiciously.
I couldn’t wrap my head around why Rah would do this to me. I couldn’t figure out why he hated me so much that he would purposely hurt our children like this. His selfishness had no mercy, not even on the kids. A sickening rage start to eat at me.
When those officers began to walk towards my kids, I completely lost my mind. “NO! Don’t take my children!”
I was running towards them, fingers arched and ready to claw at these motherfuckers for trying to take my babies.
I was sick of my kids being taken from me.
It wasn’t enough that Rah had taken the last baby that I would probably be able to have.
He had to take the living ones from me too.
I fucking hated him for that and just wanted to take it out on somebody.
I fought to get out of my father’s arms as he held me back.
The heartache felt like it was going to kill me as I watched my children cry and fight for themselves.
“Mama!” I couldn’t bear to hear my children calling for me, especially when I couldn’t save them.
“Solae, get it together in front of these kids. Do you hear me? Be strong so that they won’t be scared.
” My father whispered into my ear as he held me in a bear hug.
Over his voice, I could hear Essence fussing and Elijah crying.
“Cry when they leave, but for right now, you make it better for them.”
I tried to take deep breaths to calm down. He released me slowly just as the officers were guiding Essence and Elijah towards the door against their will.
“Wait,” I begged as I wiped my face free of tears. There was no use. I had stopped sobbing in attempts to show my kids that it would be okay. Yet, my tears still flowed silently from my face. “Just let me talk to them.”
I tried to be strong as I wiped my children’s faces.
“Essence, I need you to take care of your brother, okay?”
Essence was a lot like her mother. Though she was hurting on the inside, she held back those tears like a big girl. Yet, I sadly watched as two or three were able to escape. I saw that she was pissed more than anything. Her adolescent mind was ready to fight right along with me.
She nodded her head with her lips balled up in anger. Her breathing was sporadic. Yet, she reached for her brother and held his trembling hand. I kissed them both on the cheek and told them that I loved them.
“There will be a court date on the twenty–seventh,” the woman told me as they began to walk towards the door.
I couldn’t even speak. My father wrapped his arms around me. I buried my cries and whimpers into his chest. I couldn’t even bear to watch my children walk out of that house.
I blamed myself for being so naive that I didn’t see that Rah had this in him.
But, little did I know, he wasn’t done with me yet.