Chapter Solae
SOLAE
I was up before the sun that morning. It was my court date with DCFS.
I was prepared to fight tooth and nail for my children, and to prove Rah to be the lying deadbeat that he was.
If anybody should be kept away from them, it was him.
He was the illegitimate father. All he provided them with was money.
I was the one that catered to them physically and emotionally. I was their teacher and confidante.
“It’s going to be okay,” my father insisted as I rode beside him in his Lincoln.
My mother was sitting behind me, with her hand on my shoulder, consoling me as I looked blankly out of the window and fought tears.
“We’ll get them back,” I heard my mother promise. Her voice was low, as if she too were fighting back tears.
At that moment, I hated Rah even more. Not only did he hurt my children unnecessarily and selfishly but seeing my parents in pain from his games cut even deeper. I hated him more than I could have ever imagined I could.
Unbeknownst to me, my hate towards Rah could get greater. And it did as we arrived at the DCFS facility for court. I was geared up and ready to see Rah. He had totally avoided me since all of this happened. I was ready to put hands on him, even if we were in public.
“Solae, you have to calm down. You cannot be out here acting a fool in front of these people. It’s more important that you get your kids back, not fight with Rah. They definitely won’t give them back if they see you being violent.”
My mother was right, but my eyes still shot up and down the hall like daggers looking for Rah. I could imagine that I looked like a mad woman. I had had little sleep, since Priest left.
Being with Priest had done more for me than I wanted to admit. The way he touched me, the way he looked at me like I was the only woman in the world, gave me a kind of calm I hadn’t felt in weeks. For a few hours, I forgot everything. All of the drama and hurt slipped away under Priest’s hands.
But the second he left, the misery came right back.
The silence in the house reminded me of everything I was trying to escape.
I wanted him to stay the night so bad, because as long as he was there, I could ignore my reality.
I could pretend like I wasn’t broken. But I couldn’t bring myself to let him spend the night in the house and bed I’d shared with Rah for so long.
Even though Rah had been disloyal, even though he’d disrespected me in ways I didn’t deserve, I wasn’t comfortable yet.
What surprised me most was that I’d had the courage to be with another man at all. After years of being committed to Rah, I didn’t think I had it in me. Yet, last night proved otherwise. I gave in to Priest, and for a moment, it felt like freedom.
Since, I had been cooped up in the house in the dark.
I barely even combed my hair that morning.
The anxiety of being in court had left me helpless.
I didn’t have the strength to do anything that morning.
I just wanted my kids back. When my mother saw how disheveled I looked, she sat me down in the living room and brushed my hair.
My father forced me out of the wrinkled black khakis and pink button up shirt.
He found a nice sweater dress in my closet and made me change.
I didn’t care how I looked. I just wanted my kids.
Furthermore, I wanted to lay hands on Rah for even putting me and his children through this.
As we stood in the hall and waited, his audacity sickened me.
The fact that the kids and I were simple pawns in a game to him made me hate his mother for birthing him, instead of swallowing the selfish, hateful bastard.
He didn’t even show up, though. He had turned our world upside down.
He had most likely given my children nightmares that would never go away.
And he didn’t even have the balls to show up.
That is when the hurt in my heart turned into resentment.
I despised his ability to breathe the same air as me.
This was all a game to him. I resented that he was still walking this earth.
I loathed the fact that I had ever been dumb enough to love such a bitter and hateful man.
For years, Rah and I were a family. We raised our children and gave them as solid of a foundation as we could as two parents that wanted to do the best for our children.
That is what I explained to the judge as he questioned me about the charges brought against me.
I cried and begged for my kids. Yet, on the inside, I cried for myself.
I was disappointed in myself for being so involved in Rah that I didn’t see this in him.
I wished that I had so that I could have kept his ways from affecting my children.
And that’s what I told the judge as I promised him that I would never hurt them.
My eyes were relieved to see Elijah and Essence.
Watching them as they entered the courtroom gave me back life.
But seeing the dismay in their once-bright eyes drained the life out of me.
The fear in Elijah’s immature eyes tore at my heartstrings.
I just wanted to run up to him, hold him, and rock him, like he still liked to be.
The sadness in his face was totally opposite of the all–out anger in Essence’s.
She was pissed. I knew that, in her teenage mind, this was all me and Rah’s fault, and she hated both of us.
Yet, they told the judge the truth, that I would never lay a hand on them, and that they wanted to go home.
Their testimonies, along with the fact that Rah didn’t show up, were the main reasons why the judge said that I could have them back. Yet, a social worker would do home visits over the next few months to ensure that they were safe.
Having my kids back under my roof should’ve been the happiest feeling in the world. And in a way, it was. I had prayed and begged for this moment. But nothing prepared me for the tension that came with it.
Elijah was just happy to be back at home with his toys and video game. But Essence barely looked at me as she stomped through the living room. She flopped down on the couch with her arms crossed, eyes glued to her phone, and her face contorted angrily like the whole world was her enemy.
“Essence,” I said gently, “Do you want to talk?”
She rolled her eyes so hard I thought they’d get stuck. “About what?”
I clenched my teeth, swallowing down the anger. I knew she’d been through hell. Getting taken from me, being dropped in some strange place, not knowing what was happening day to day changes a kid. I told myself to be patient, to remember she was hurting. But Lord, she was testing me.
“About what happened.”
She sighed loud and dramatically. “I know what happened. You messed up, and they took us away.”
I counted to ten in my head. “I know you’re upset, baby. I know everything that happened wasn’t fair. But you can’t keep taking it out on me.”
Her head snapped up, and the sharpness in her tone nearly sliced me in half. “Maybe if you had your shit together, none of this would’ve happened.”
Gasping, I quipped, “Watch your mouth!”
She turned back to her phone, thumbs flying across the screen like she hadn’t just ripped my heart wide open.
I had to close my eyes, breathe through it, and remind myself that I couldn’t put my hands on her with the state watching me closely.
“Essence,” My voice trembled from holding back my own emotions. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s a long story that you wouldn’t understand. But you know that I have never done anything to hurt you and your brother.”
She didn’t even look up. My heart ached, but I sat there anyway, praying for strength.
My phone rang, thankfully giving me something to focus on, other than Essence’s smart mouth. Seeing that it was Priest, I stood up, slipped out of the living room, into my bedroom, and closed the door behind me.
“Hey,” he said before I even got the phone to my ear, like he’d been waiting on the sound of my voice all day.
“Hey you,” I actually purred.
“You’ve been quiet all day. Come grab some dinner and drinks with me. I’ve been thinking about you.”
I cringed. Since Priest had no idea what I was going through, I knew that my distance and difficulty would eventually push him away.
“I’d love to. But Elijah’s not feeling well,” I lied. “He’s got a fever or something. I can’t leave him.”
Priest didn’t press. “I hope he gets better. You sure you can’t pop out later? I’ll wait.”
“I can’t. Not tonight. I’m sorry.”
I wished that I could get away from my stress and worries even for a little while, but leaving my kids on their first night back home was not an option.
“I miss you, Solae. I keep thinking about the other night.”
I felt heat rise to my face and had to lean against the doorframe so I wouldn’t slide onto the floor. “You miss me?”
He replied deeply, “Fuck yeah.”
I damn near came.
“Promise me it won’t be long before I see you again.”
“I promise,” I replied, even though I didn’t know if I could keep it.
He hummed, satisfied. “Good. Take care of your shorty. Text me if you need anything. For real.”
I let him go with a soft, shaky, “Okay. Talk to you later.”
When I ended the call, I stood there a second longer, listening to the muffled sounds of my kids in the other room. I wanted to disappear with Priest and let the world go, but my kids came first.