Chapter Solae
SOLAE
I was ignoring seemingly the tenth phone call from Rah.
I couldn’t even get him to look me in the eyes the other day. Now, suddenly, he was blowing up my phone. He even sent me a text message, asking me to meet up with him somewhere so that we could talk.
He could kiss my ass. He’d ignored me for over a week while I went through pure hell. Now the motherfucker wanted to see me?
No.
I was lying in bed watching Abbot Elementary, trying to make myself laugh.
Finally, life seemed to calm down a little bit.
Moses was still unconscious, but his vital signs were good.
The doctors planned to wake him up soon.
Then I looked forward to him and Kahlani being able to put their lives back together.
I was even enjoying Priest’s company. Because I had been spending so much time with the kids and at the hospital, I hadn’t been able to take him up on the many invites to dinner.
It was shocking how much he was interested in me, but it felt good to be courted after fourteen years.
I couldn’t wait to see him, but I needed to get myself together.
We had been constantly talking on the phone and Facetiming each other, though.
Moses’ death scare, DCFS, and Rah had brought a lot of things into perspective for me.
I could no longer depend on Rah for anything.
He didn’t love me. He loved himself. He didn’t even love his kids.
So, it was time for me to love myself just as much as he loved himself.
I needed to find a job, get back on my feet, and shake this feeling of defeat and heartbreak.
Yet, that feeling became unshakeable as Essence slunk into my room and crawled into bed with me. My eyebrows arched curiously because, not only had she been acting like she hated the world since she got home, she had never been one to lay under mommy.
She grabbed a pillow and literally curled up under my arm as I lay on my back waiting for the commercials to end.
She said, “Mommy,” in such a frightened and timid tone that it scared the shit out of me. “I need to talk to you.”
My heart immediately began to beat fast with worry. Your child needing to talk to you is never a good thing.
I remained calm, however. With the wrong tone, I would have scared her into silence, and I didn’t want to do that.
I tried to remain as nonchalant as possible as I asked, “What’s wrong, baby?”
“Promise you won’t get mad and flip out.”
Shit, I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes behind her head.
“I promise.”
As soon as she opened her mouth, the cries forcing themselves out caused her voice to crack. “This boy at the home we had to stay in…”
Though I feared what she was trying to tell me, I encouraged her to go on when she hesitated. “Uh huh.”
“He had sex with me.”
It felt like the wind had been kicked out of me.
Still, I remained calm, because I didn’t want to freak her out.
I wanted her to be comfortable enough to tell me everything.
Kids were having sex young these days. Hell, I had given birth to her when I was only fourteen.
It broke my heart, but I couldn’t act like I didn’t understand.
I tried my best to sound calm as I asked, “What made you want to have sex, Essence?”
Immediately, she sat straight up. Finally, I could see the stress in her young face. Despite the developing breasts and hips that she hid under one of her father’s shirts, she was still a very little girl. The immaturity and childlike fear was all over her face and spilled out in tears.
“I didn’t want to,” she cried. “He…he…he made me.”
Then, she lost it. It’s like she had been holding that in since she got home. She collapsed on top of me, buried her face in my chest, and literally wailed. I held her tightly as my own tears fell silently.
“He made you, Essence? Tell me what happened.”
“He told me that if I didn’t, he would tell the supervisor that I did anyway, and then I wouldn’t be able to go home. He told me they would make me stay there forever if he told them we did it.”
As I cringed, I could feel my heart aching.
“Did he hit you?” I asked, suddenly searching her for bruises.
“No,” she whined.
“Did he pin you down?”
“No. He only hurt me when… when… when he put it in.” She recoiled in shame. “I just … I just wanted to come home. So, I did it anyway. But I didn’t want to, I promise. I didn’t like him. He was gross.”
I gnawed on my bottom lip. There was so much anger in that bite that I could taste my own blood. I closed my eyes tightly as I fought the urge to explode. I had buried my anger for Rah, so that I could live and move on. Now, it came hurling back into my heart and mind.
I was beyond furious.
Yet, I remained calm on the outside and tried to be the best mother that I could be.
“It’s going to be okay,” I promised her. “Mommy will take care of it. Okay, baby?”
“It’s not going to be okay!” She shrieked as she sat up again. “My period is late, Mama!”
She was devastated. She was crying her slanted eyes out. God, I was heartbroken for my little girl. I couldn’t even hide the remorse anymore. The hurt spilled from my eyes. When she saw my face, it was as if she wanted to die.
I wanted to die too.