Solae
“He what?”
I blew a heavy breath, irritated that this white dude was looking at me like I was making things up. “He robbed the bank that I used to work at,” I said again. “Well, he wasn’t there, but he had something to do with it. I swear. I recognized one of his friends. I think he was one of the gunmen.”
He laughed me off. “You think?”
Sitting next to me on the bench that I was cuffed to, my public defender continued to look at me questionably, like I was just some dumb nigger pulling lies out of my ass just to get out of jail.
“I’m telling you, it was him.”
“How do you know that?” he asked.
I was trying to keep my voice down because other women I had been locked up with over the holiday were also back there with me, waiting for their bail hearing. “Because after the robbery, he suddenly had all of this money. Where else would he get it from?”
“Banks should have marked bills or something. Do you know if he still has the money and where it is?”
“Urgh,” I groaned as I remembered I had burned all the evidence.
I sat back and rested my head against the wall. “It’s...The money is gone.”
“Where did he spend it at? Did he give it to someone? Maybe we can trace it.”
“No, I...” I cringed, feeling foolish. “I burned it.”
It was embarrassing the way he looked at me as if I was a joke.
“He had pissed me off. I burned it up to get back at him, before realizing where the money had come from.”
“Then you have no proof that he did it,” he said, nearly laughing.
“It was him. I know it was.”
“But you already told the police that you didn’t recognize the perpetrators.
You can’t use this information to help your case.
” He started to collect his things, stuffing his notepad and pen in the pocket of his suit jacket.
“They won’t work with you simply because you have a hunch.
Besides, telling them that you burned his money out of anger further proves his statement of you having a temper. Sorry.”
I sucked my teeth and sat back against the bench again.
“Sit tight,” he told me. “They should be calling your case up soon.”
As he stood up to leave, I was more than disappointed. I was sure that if I could convince the prosecutor that Rah had something to do with that robbery, I could turn him in, in hopes for leniency in my own trial.
My stomach was in knots, as it had been all day.
All that was running through my mind was what if I was denied bail and had to fight this case behind bars.
The possibility of not being able to be there for my kids sickened me.
The possibility that Rah would be the only parent around to raise them, horrified me.
Twenty minutes later, I was being led into the courtroom.
The bailiff had cuffed both my hands together, so it was embarrassing as they led me out, reading the charges against me.
I fought hard to see if my parents, kids, or Kahlani were in the crowd amongst attorneys, family members, and friends of the defendants.
But the bailiff had turned me around to stand before the judge, alongside my public defender, before I could make out their faces in the crowd.
I fought hard not to cry as the public defender started to plea my case for being let out on bail.
But I lost that fight as the prosecutor started to paint me as some monster that couldn’t be trusted in the streets.
No one batted an eye at my tears or consoled me.
I felt so alone, so I just closed my eyes and prayed.
“Oh, God,” left my voice in a tired but relieved breath.
Another twenty minutes later, I was rushing out of that fucking courthouse.
I had been granted bail, thank God. And since someone had bailed me out, I knew that someone had to be there waiting for me.
It was cold as hell, and I had the same clothes on that I had been arrested in, with no coat on, but I didn’t care.
At the moment, I didn’t feel the frigid, January, twenty-five-degree winds.
All I could feel was the joy in my heart that I had been allowed out on bail.
“Solae!”
When I heard my mother’s voice, relief left my body in such a rush that my knees got weak. I ran down those stairs looking frantically amongst the people that were coming and going to and from court, for my mother.
Finally, I laid eyes on her standing off to the side near the curb next to my father. When I saw that my mother was crying, I felt so guilty for putting her through this.
I ran towards them. As soon as she could, my mother threw her arms around me.
“I’m so sorry, Mama,” I cried as she held me tight and rocked me.
“Now, what are you sorry about?” I heard my mother ask over my sobs.
“For putting you through this.”
“Don’t be silly,” my father ordered. He put his arms around me and my mother as she continued to hold me. “That motherfucker deserved it. Son of a bitch.”
After a few more seconds of hiding from all of this in my mother’s arms, she let me go. My father ushered us both into his car a few feet away.
As we rode back to their house, I had so much more of an appreciation for fresh air and being free.
I wanted this for the rest of my life so desperately that I was still crying because I wanted to beat this case so bad.
On the way, my parents finally were able to ask me what happened the night I stabbed Rah since we were no longer speaking over recorded lines.
“I told the cops that he was hitting me and that I was defending myself, but...” Recalling that night made the tears in my eyes start to flow. “But I was lying.”
Sitting beside me in the backseat, my mother looked on in desperation as she held my hand.
“I just got so mad,” I admitted. “He was saying all of these mean things and blaming me for what happened to Essence, and I just...I just snapped! Oh God!” I began to freak out as I realized what I had just said was what I had actually done. “What did I do, Mama?! I messed up–”
“Shhh. Calm down.”
“Don’t blame yourself,” I heard my father say from the front seat.
I was hyperventilating as my mother threw her arms around me again.
“Nobody has to know what really happened, except the people in this car,” my father said. “This is the very last time you tell that version of the story; do you hear me?”
I had heard him but my cries wouldn’t allow me to speak, so he pressed, “Do you hear me, Solae?”
“Yes.”
“We gotta get you a good lawyer. That public defender won’t be good enough.”
“Dad, do you know how much it will cost to get a lawyer that will fight an attempted murder case? I can’t afford a lawyer, and neither can you all.”
“Maybe we can sell the house, Bob,” my mother told him.
And that only made me feel worse “Nooo, Mama.”
I really hadn’t been thinking when I grabbed that knife.
I just wanted to shut him up, to make him feel the pain that I was feeling, that Essence was feeling.
I wanted to end his life the way he had ended mine by putting Essence in the position to get violated.
But I wasn’t thinking about the aftermath; what it would do to my kids, my parents, my family.
By the time we got to my parents’ home, I was rushing out of the car and running up to the front door. I was ringing on the bell with a smile on my face. I just wanted to see my kids. I just wanted to hold them. I wanted to let Essence know that I was sorry for leaving her at a time like this.
Within seconds, the door swung open.
“Mommyyyy!” Elijah sang as he fell into my open arms.
“Hey, baby!” I cried as I hugged him tight and kissed his forehead.
As I walked into the house with him literally standing on top of my feet, I could hear Essence bolting down the stairs. She hugged me so tight that I felt her nails in my skin. I looked at her and when our eyes met, it was as if she was looking at me with pride.