Solae
I smiled as I scrolled through the search results on Instagram for #SongsOfMoses.
I had been so stressed out about my case that I hadn’t even been on social media in a few days.
I had had no idea that Moses’ video had even released, let alone gone viral, until Kahlani showed up at my parents’ house a few minutes ago.
Her smile was so big as she bounced through the door.
I was so jealous of her happiness and the positive changes that were happening for her and her family.
The only ray of sunshine in my life was Priest. But I had been so overwhelmed with stress since the trial started that I couldn’t spend any alone time with him.
I just felt like any free moment that I had should have been spent with my kids or getting my affairs in order, in case I was found guilty that Friday.
But, despite my own drama, as I looked at the world talking about Moses, I finally felt a little bit of happiness.
Sitting beside me, Kahlani’s smile was so infectious that, no matter my sadness, I felt it.
I couldn’t believe that Moses had started popping like that overnight.
Now, not only did Chicago know his name, but the whole world did.
“That’s so cool, Kahlani.” Sitting my phone on the table, I tried to smile wholeheartedly. I had made my lips curve upward, but I could feel the sadness and heaviness in it.
“Why?” I asked her.
“Because I came over here throwing my happiness all in your face while you’re going through this. You are worried about your life. I know you couldn’t care less about a damn music video.”
“No, no, no,” I insisted. “I care. I’m really happy for you.
I’m just scared that…” I felt the tears coming.
I didn’t bother to stop them. They had been flowing since Monday.
They had been overflowing as the days drew nearer and nearer to when my fate would finally be decided.
“I’m scared that you’ll be flying to L.A.
, popping bottles, backstage at his concerts, and…
I won’t be here to do it with you like we planned. ”
I couldn’t hold my head up any longer. It fell into my folded arms as they rested on the dining room table. I could feel Kahlani rubbing my back as I gave in to the tears and allowed the pain to come out.
“I got you. I swear to God, I do.” Kahlani’s words had tears in them as well. “If you go down for this, I got you. I don’t care if I’m still working a nine-to-five or on a tour bus, your kids are gonna be right there with me.”
I sat up and looked at her. “You promise?”
“I swear, girl.”
She reached out and didn’t give me a choice; she threw her arms around me and brought me in, holding me tight. We rocked back and forth and just cried.
“Nobody is judging you for this,” Kahlani cried. “You know that, right? You don’t have to feel bad.”
“But I do. Why did I do this to my kids?”
“Because he pushed you,” Kahlani insisted while still holding me and rocking in this sadness with me. “He deserved it, and he is going to get his.”
“I don’t even care about that anymore. I don’t care if he pays. Just keep him away from my kids. Please.”
“Okay.”
“And make sure my babies stay in therapy, especially Essence. She keeps saying that she’s okay, but I can see how angry she is on the inside. She needs help…” The sobs were choking me. “I can’t even be here to fix my baby.”
Letting me go, Kahlani sat back, wiping her face dry. Tears were still in her eyes as she told me, “You don’t know that, Solae. There is a chance that the jury will believe that you were acting in self-defense, especially after what happened in court the other day.”
I wiped my face as well, trying to calm down.
I was taking slow, deep breaths as I said, “I don’t know, Kahlani.
They just keep pressing that there was no evidence that he put his hands on me that night or ever, for that matter.
And they keep harping on how many times I stabbed him, and what position he had to be in when he was stabbed.
They are proving that I wasn’t being attacked at the time, that I was attacking him. ”
“You have to think positive, Solae.”
“I gotta be real, Kahlani. This shit ain’t no movie or fairy tale. It’s real life and I can get real time. That judge believing that I was acting in self-defense will be a miracle…and I haven’t had one of them in a long time.”