Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
Twelve Years Before
Raine
T he lake is like a mirror during the night. I can see reflections of the bright light from the moon, the twinkling stars, as well as Ryland’s form as he sits at the edge of the dock. Kentucky’s weather is always strange. It’s in between the spring and summer season where some days are comfortable and warm, while other days there’s a promise of cooling rain. Thankfully, today we were blessed with some warmth.
I walk across the dock, the wood creaking with each step. Looking down at my reflection I watch as it sways with the water. My skirt flows in the slight breeze, and the bright-pink color of my hair stands out on top of the dark water. I smooth down my skirt before taking a seat next to my boyfriend.
My boyfriend. It never gets old saying that.
I sigh and slip off my sandals, sinking my feet into the lake. I hiss, feeling how cold the water is but keep them in anyway. I need something to focus on besides the fact that there is nothing I can do to help take Ryland’s pain away.
It’s been a few weeks since his Nan passed away. What we thought was a simple cold ended up getting much worse. He told me on the phone this morning that he’s still having a hard time processing the loss. For him, it feels like she’s still everywhere—everywhere but here with us, and the realization hurts. Ryland’s family has quickly become like my own, and losing Nan is the first time I’ve experienced a loss.
It feels extra heavy knowing that Ryland is feeling even more pain than I am. What can I even do to help him? He leans over and places his head onto my shoulder. I do the same, leaning my head onto his, and slide my hand underneath his.
“It’s nice that you have your own car now and can drive over here,” he says softly, giving my hand a squeeze.
“Yeah, at least on the weekends.”
Over the winter, on the days that we’re nice, Papaw let me drive down the back roads in his truck. I also got a job during the week, working at MJ’s Diner downtown. The owner is good friends with my grandparents and agreed to let me have off on the weekends. It’s been a nice change.
The job gives me something to do during the weekdays after school. Mom and Davis don’t question my job’s schedule. For him, the more I work, the more money I can give him since he demands half of my paycheck for what he calls ‘a lesson in responsibility’. It’s a price I’m willing to pay for the little taste of freedom it brings me. I only go home to shower and sleep during the week.
A few days after Nan’s passing, Pops showed up to the farm and handed the keys to her Honda Accord to Papaw. He said that Nan wanted me to have it. It was on her list of demands that she made during her last days with us. It felt strange accepting the vehicle, but I know it was her way of taking care of me.
There’s no way that I could afford a car on my own with the dent in my income that Davis has caused. With the car being gifted to me and my grandparents insisting they put it on their insurance policy, I only have to worry about gas and food. Everything else I have saved and kept safely in my room at my grandparents’ house.
“Yeah, Nan wanted to make sure I could be here for you more,” I reply.
“Yeah,” he says with an exhale.
We sit for a few moments of silence, wrapping our arms around each other, and I say, “I hate that I can’t take the pain away.”
“I wish the same for Pops. I hate seeing him like this. He said this morning that it feels like an amputation.”
“I say it does.”
I can only imagine the loss Pops must be feeling right now. I can’t fathom the thought of losing one of my grandparents and having to watch them grieve in the same way. If I’ve learned anything about grief these past few weeks, it’s that it creates an unbearable pain that will never fade away. It’s something we have to learn to carry with us, until we return to heaven and can be reunited with our loved ones.
“I hate this so much. I feel so angry with God,” Ryland admits.
“You shouldn’t be mad at God for this. I know your Nan wasn’t.”
He removes his arms from around me and twists until he can see me. “How do you know?” He raises his brows.
“Because she told me,” I proclaim and give him a small smile. “The last time I came to visit, we were watching The Golden Girls, and you got up to help your mom with something. Nan turned to me and told me she was thankful that the doctors gave her a heads up about her possibly leaving us. It gave her a chance to say goodbye and help prepare everyone. She seemed at peace with it all.”
I remember how weak she looked during that last visit. She mainly slept the last days away, but she was having an unusually good day during my last moments with her. I’m forever thankful for it and for her sharing that with me .
We swish our feet through the water below us, the temperature not feeling as cold anymore. “I had a dream about her last night,” he says, bumping his foot into mine.
“What about?”
He exhales, turning to face the water, his mind in another place. “I was sitting right here, on the dock, and she took a seat next to me and told me everything was going to be okay. I somehow knew it was a dream, but it felt so real, especially when she reached over and gave me a hug. I could even smell her perfume. It was surreal.”
When his eyes find mine, he studies me closely before adding, “Want to decipher that one?”
I stay quiet for a moment and ponder on his question. “I know you miss her. It could be why you dreamt that. But maybe she was also visiting you in a way. She wants you to be okay.”
“It’s not easy.” he admits, his eyes dancing with my own.
A light breeze is blowing, cooling the warmth in the air and bringing a scent of the water and fresh grass with it. After a few moments of silence, I add, “I don’t think losing someone is supposed to be easy. Remember what they said at her funeral? That even Jesus wept with those who were mourning.” I reach a hand out and move his hair away from his forehead. “But do you know why he was mourning? It wasn’t because someone died.”
I let my fingers travel down his cheek, tracing the edge of his jawline before landing on his shoulder. He watches me closely, waiting for me to continue.
“He wept because he had to bring someone back to Earth. They were in heaven, walking the streets of gold where there’s no such thing as pain or grief. And Jesus took them away from heaven and brought them back here . If we could see what heaven is like, I don’t think anyone would want to come back to Earth. And when you think of it that way, it helps put things into perspective. ”
My Mamaw shared that with me on our way home from Nan’s funeral. It has stuck with me ever since, and in a way, it helps me with my own grief. I pray now that it can bring a sense of comfort to Ryland like it has to me.
The moonlight casts shadows onto Ryland’s face but helps highlight just how breathtaking he is. His mouth opens slightly, his dark brows raising up his forehead, and his eyes widen as my words sink into his heart. His lips touch, tilting upward into a grin, before he shifts and lays back against the dock.
I mimic him and lie down too, making sure my hand is intertwined with his. We stare up at the stars, watching them twinkle, a huge galaxy full of questions staring down at us. We’re just two teenagers trying to learn how to navigate this thing called life. And I’m thankful we’re able to do it together.
“I think that’s what she was trying to tell me in my dream,” he finally says, breaking the silence.
“I think so too,” I agree. “We have limited time here. She has forever. To her, it must feel like a quick and simple blink before it’s our time to join her in heaven. She won’t have any time to miss us.”
Ryland moves until he’s hovering over me. He keeps his body sitting on the dock, but his arms are on either side of my head. “Thank you. You always know what to say to make me feel better.” He lowers himself down until his nose brushes mine and all thoughts vanish and are replaced with the thumping of my heart. His eyes travel over my face before they land on my lips.
“Since we have limited time on Earth, I refuse to waste another second not kissing you.”
He moves his lips closer, barely touching the sensitive skin, while his eyes lock onto mine with a silent question. I nod, letting him know it’s okay, before his lips touch my own. My eyes flutter shut as I rake my fingers through his thick strands and pull him closer to me. It’s a sweet kiss. One that says so many things .
Ryland moves back just a touch, keeping his nose a few centimeters from my face. He runs his hand through my hair, cupping my jaw, and smiling down at me. “I love you.”
His voice is strained, and I wonder how often it’s been like that in the past, how many times I didn’t notice. Now that I know he loves me, I can see the evidence in everything he does. I’m not sure how I missed it for so long.
His confession makes warmth spread throughout my stomach. I smile as his words sink deeply into my heart. I want to carry them with me always and remind myself of the truth in them.
“I love you too.”
“I promise you that I’ll do everything in my power to give you the life that you deserve.”
As if my chest couldn’t swell any more, it proves me wrong with the growing tightness. My smile, however, falters with his sweet confession. It’s such a huge thing to say, coming from a seventeen-year-old, but I know he means it.
“And I’ll do the same for you.”
He smiles, bending down to place soft kisses all over my face and neck. I giggle, pushing his chest until he hovers over me again. “Then we have an agreement. We’ll make the most of our limited time here. And we’ll do it together.”
“Together,” I agree, the words leaving my lips, a promise I intend to keep.