Chapter 1.7 #2
“I hope you will believe me when I say that I am neither by honour nor inclination bound to my cousin or to any other young lady. As I said before, I am more than willing to answer any questions you might have, including questions about my relationship with my cousin Miss de Bourgh. However, more important to me is your accusation that I have not treated you and your family with respect. You must allow me to defend myself on that count.”
She still was not facing him, and he respected her wishes, continuing to speak to her back.
“I know that in the past my manners towards you were not as they should have been, but I was hoping that had changed in the last few days. If I still gave offence, it was done most unwillingly, I assure you.”
He paused. “The only thing for which I can reproach myself is that I selfishly bestowed my attention upon you without any consideration for your feelings. Although I know my intentions towards you to be nothing but honourable, I can now understand that you have not received those attentions with equal pleasure and that I have only made you uncomfortable. I beg you to excuse me if this was the case and please accept my assurances that I shall restrain myself in the future. Furthermore, I should understand if you do not want to dance another set with me.”
He waited for her answer in silence, maintaining the small distance between them.
Darcy knew she received his attentions with pleasure, but he also could understand her embarrassment and uncertainty about him.
However witty and intelligent she might be, she was still young and undoubtedly inexperienced in dealing with men.
She probably imagines I was only trifling with her, and maybe she is a little jealous too.
Strangely, though his heart ached to see her suffering, he was also happy and satisfied to know she was suffering because of him.
He hated himself for having such vain and selfish feelings, but it was the truth.
He was tempted to take her in his arms, kiss her, comfort her, whisper in her ear everything he felt for her, and tell her that, if she wanted, he could protect her and bind himself to her and only her from that moment on.
He knew, however, that this would only frighten and embarrass her further.
The moment for such a declaration had not yet come.
He could only put himself at her disposal and let her choose for herself what she needed and wanted from him.
Elizabeth closed her eyes, trying to calm herself and form rational thoughts, but she simply could not think of anything. Her head was spinning and her heart aching. Mr Darcy being so close was not helpful.
Her voice was barely audible. “I do not think there will be a need to change the dance arrangements. However, I should like to spend some moments alone if you do not mind.”
“As you wish, madam.”
“Thank you.” Although she could not see him, he bowed to her and left the library, remaining outside at the door in case someone should disturb her.
Hearing Mr Darcy’s strong pace as he departed, Elizabeth turned her head, looking after him.
She was grateful he had respected her wishes and gone, but at the same time, she felt a sense of disappointment.
She had held an impossible hope that he would put his arms around her, or at least that he would take her hand in his to comfort her.
She knew that such behaviour would be highly improper and that it was ridiculous for her to feel that way only a few moments after she had accused him of not respecting her.
She had never been embraced by a man who was not family, so she did not really know what she wanted, but the feeling was stronger than her reasonable thoughts, and her body ached for the comfort of his arms. She breathed deeply, trying to remain calm.
You are ridiculous! You are behaving like a child and making a fool of yourself.
Regain your composure, Elizabeth, and think.
She closed her eyes and remembered everything that had happened in the last half-hour as she began to pace the room.
Why am I so upset? Because of Mr Wickham’s impertinence and forwardness or because of what he told me about Mr Darcy?
And what did he tell me? Is there some truth in what he said?
Soon she admitted that what had upset her most and made her almost burst into tears was Mr Wickham’s suggestion that Mr Darcy could not seriously pursue her as he would marry Miss de Bourgh in any case.
But now, after the moments of anger had passed, she knew that could not be true.
Mr Darcy had told her that he was not to marry Miss de Bourgh, and despite the hard words she had thrown in his face, she knew he would not lie regarding such an important matter.
But as her father previously said, neither could Mr Wickham have fabricated such a thing without there being at least some truth in it.
And that remark about Mr Darcy favouring other ladies…
She took Mr Wickham’s comment, weighed it rationally, and finally accepted that it was also probably true in some way.
I am neither by honour nor inclination bound…
Perhaps so, but Elizabeth was not so na?ve as to be ignorant of a few things about the world and gentlemen of the world.
After a few minutes of deliberation, fighting for the first time against the bitter taste of jealousy without even knowing what it was, she grew upset with herself.
I indeed have no sense! Until three days ago, I hated Mr Darcy and acted in a despicable manner towards him.
Surely, I have no right to be bothered by anything he might have done in the past that has not involved my family or me!
Towards her, his behaviour had been nothing but gentlemanlike.
He had told her his intentions were honourable, and she wanted to believe him.
Besides, she could not forget they had spent many hours alone, and she had been completely without protection.
It would have been a perfect opportunity for a man at least to try to…
if he had wanted. The most powerful proof was that he had told her father the truth about their time in the cottage.
She knew that in doing so he had exposed himself, for Mr Bennet could have forced him to marry her at that moment.
All those thoughts warmed her towards him, and she decided she had no reason not to enjoy his company as long as he acted respectfully towards her. She arranged her gown, pressed her palms to her burning cheeks, and opened the door to leave the library.
She found Mr Darcy in the hall by the door, waiting, looking so strong, protective and obviously worried; the sight of him made her heart beat faster.
And I hurt him again, abusing him so abominably with my cruel words.
In that moment, she decided what she should do to avoid any misunderstanding in the future. Approaching him, she smiled shyly, self-conscious of her impulsive reaction and what she intended to ask.
“Miss Elizabeth, are you feeling better?”
“I am now, Mr Darcy. Thank you for your patience.”
“Shall we return to the ballroom then?”
“In fact, Mr Darcy, I must confess I am not inclined to dance at the moment. However, I should be grateful if you would do me the favour of answering a few questions about a common acquaintance as you previously so generously offered to do.
Darcy looked at Elizabeth with obvious surprise.
“You want to talk about…? Now? I am afraid a ballroom would not be the proper place for that kind of talk.”
“Perhaps not, but what about the library? That is…if you think it would be acceptable for you to reveal these things. I do not want to impose on your private matters.” She was a little distressed by his apparent reluctance and was prepared for him to maintain his secrecy.
“I am the one who offered to discuss this with you a few days ago. Do not feel uncomfortable asking for what I offered you. I was just surprised by your sudden decision to hear me. Shall we enter then? It should not take long.”
He opened the door and entered the library again, hurrying to light the candles. Being alone in the same room with her was bad enough, but being alone in the dark was unacceptable and dangerous in every sense.
“Please sit down, Miss Elizabeth. Would you like something to drink?”
“No, thank you. I am sorry for any inconvenience I might be creating with my curiosity. It is just that…Mr Wickham has indeed told me many things tonight as he did a few days ago, and I should like to know your opinion about them.”
“I understand you, and truth be told, I am happy you decided to listen to me although I am not quite sure about the time and place for this discussion. Should someone find us here, the situation might be misunderstood.”
He was indeed worried that they could be found there alone. Of course, the worst that could happen would be that he was forced to marry her as soon as possible. However, he did not want her to be forced into marrying him and would not allow a scandal to mark the beginning of their relationship.
Elizabeth blushed violently and rose to her feet, suddenly understanding his reason. “You are perfectly right, Mr Darcy. I was impulsive and thoughtless. I do not want to put you in such an inconvenient position, so dangerous for your name and reputation. Let us go back.”
“Miss Elizabeth, it was not about myself that I was thinking. It is not my situation or reputation that concerns me. If you want to talk, we must do that.”
He smiled lightly and encouragingly, inviting her to return to the sofa while he took a chair. He was tempted to sit next to her, but he knew that would be a very imprudent move. Having her close without being allowed to touch her was torture in itself, and it need not be amplified.
“Miss Bennet, do you have some particular question?”