Chapter 1.25 #6
As soon as he finished, he regretted his words and most of all his grave tone. The expression in her eyes changed in an instant, and he could sense that he disturbed her. Her whispered question confirmed his suspicions.
“But, William, I do not understand. Why would you say that? Why would you need to protect me? You said you desire me. Is that something to be feared?”
“No…! I am sorry I distressed you. It is just that…”
She was staring at him, her eyes wide with curiosity, asking him silently the same question, so close to him that her breath—deep and slow—heated his neck.
He could not possibly let her go without explaining his meaning.
He could not possibly permit her to be frightened by the thought of intimacy.
He must explain his meaning to her; but how could a man explain such a thing to his young, inexperienced betrothed—the respectable daughter of a gentleman?
He averted his eyes a moment, his brow furrowed in concentration, searching for the proper words.
“Elizabeth, do you know…what is supposed to happen?”
Her cheeks turned crimson as she nodded. “Yes…my aunt explained it to both me and Jane some time ago.”
He stroked her cheeks again, smiling. “Then I shall only tell you this: I cannot speak for other people, but I promise you that, for us, it will be a wonderful thing. Indeed, what can be more beautiful than to share our love, our passion, and our desire to be one body—as we are already one heart?”
“Then why—?” Her eyes, moist with tears, were still wondering, asking him what her lips did not dare.
“Why did I stop? Because I want our first time together to be perfect, my love, and it will be perfect. So, I cannot allow it to happen now with a house full of people—my sister, your sister, Mr Bingley, and all the servants—who could disturb us at any moment. Not to mention that Becky might awake and ask where we are. Do you understand my reasoning?”
His voice was tender and teasing at the same time, trying to dissipate the tension between them.
She blushed and then instantly became mortified at her indifference to the reality and her complete lack of consideration for the outside world.
Was she so wanton that she forgot all rationality, propriety, and decorum?
How was it possible for her to forfeit all her dignity? She practically begged him to dishonour her, his house, and their sisters. And he—wisely and respectfully—refused her. What an indignity for both of them—and it was her fault!
She averted her eyes, but it took Darcy only a moment to notice her distress—and to understand it.
His hands cupped her face, forcing her to bear his intense gaze.
“Elizabeth, when I said my desire was frightening me, I meant that I was very close to throwing away all those considerations. None of my family, your family, or the entire world were as important as loving you in that instant. I confess that it was the most difficult struggle I have ever endured. But do you know the most compelling reason to maintain control? I did not want our first time together to occur on the same day we had such a painful argument.”
His thumbs were caressing her cheeks, and she felt her heart shatter with the burden of her love for this man.
His words, his tender looks, and his mere presence were always the perfect palliation for any grief.
Then again, he was also the primary cause of any grief or pain she had experienced of late.
She wanted to say more—to tell him how grateful she was for his caring love and his tender protection of her—but she could say nothing more than a simple, “Thank you, William.”
They lay in silence together for a while longer to recover completely, and he finally rose, pulling her with him so quickly that she almost fell off the bed. She could not restrain her peals of laughter, and he shook his head in mocking censure.
“Miss Elizabeth, enough laughter! We have duties to which we must attend immediately. Mrs Annesley might find it hard to believe you have been sleeping so long, or that I would need this much time to read a few letters—not to mention that Mr Bingley is not to be trusted alone with your sister as he is capable of doing anything to force her to marry him. I shall wait for you downstairs as soon as you are ready.”
He opened the door, then turned towards her and moved a few steps closer.
“Oh, and Elizabeth, one more thing: what I told you earlier about the house being full of people and all the other aspects—these are valid considerations only for the time being. As soon as we are married, all of them will significantly lose their importance. As for our future quarrels—and I dare say there will be many—I cannot think of a better way to reconcile.”
He left her in the middle of the room staring after him, her lips suddenly dry.
“As soon as we are married…”
Mechanically, she moved to the mirror, trying to adjust her wild appearance and wondering at the astonishing emotions she had experienced in the last few hours. From despair to felicity…fire and ice…William!