Chapter 1 #3
"Do you think you're gonna be the strict parent, or the stupid fun one?" Lorenzo shrugs. "Oh, Daisy is CEO of rules. I'm gonna be the one who's like, 'don't tell your mom'. Sorry, baby, if you're watching this." He looks straight into the camera.
"Noted," Noah nods. "Alright, Mr. Soon-To-Be Dad. One last question. On New Year's Eve, a few hours before midnight... what do you want to say to your future kid?"
Lorenzo takes a deep breath, grips the mic, and leans closer to the lens. "If you ever disrespect your mother, I will personally suplex you through a table. With love. And I'll make you cook her breakfast every day. That's it. Kisses."
"Incredible," Noah says. "Let's go check on his wife and her pregnant partner in crime."
We leave Lorenzo and head to Valentina's room. Both of them are dressed up to the nines, full glam, full chaos.
"Good evening to the ladies of the house," Noah announces. "Daisy Fontana. How do you feel right now?"
"Emotionally, I'm fine. Physically, I have a bowling ball in my stomach," she says.
"Sounds amazing. Love that for you." He turns. "Valentina, my Lego queen. How does your parasite treat you today?"
"She's doing parkour on my organs. But other than that, we're good. We're chilling."
"Miss? Can you hear us in there?" Noah asks her stomach. "Is it true what I heard?" And right then, a tiny foot literally pushes out against Valentina's belly.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT—" Noah yells, and I'm just as shocked. "DID THE BABY JUST KICK YOU?!" Noah screams. "WE GOT A KICK ON CAMERA, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. Gio, tell me you caught that."
"Of course I caught it," I say, already on the verge of crying. "Holy shit, this little girl is aggressive before she's even out in the world," Noah tells the camera. "I'm scared."
He leans closer to Valentina's bump. "Girl, I know you can hear me in there. If you ever need an alibi, I got you."
"Stop teaching the baby crime," Daisy says, laughing. Noah pulls the mic back to his mouth. "Can't stop, won't stop. Alright, that's all from the baby section. The wombs are tired, we're signing off."
He walks out of the room, and I follow with the camera, still recording everything.
We head to Jin's room, where he's currently being held hostage by a two-year-old.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Noah says as we walk in, all dramatic again.
"This... this is THE MOST important segment of the night. Welcome to Antonio's Garage."
Antonio looks up, sees the camera, and instantly grabs a car. "Look, Noah. Vroom vroom." He shoves it right up to the lens. "Wow. Exclusive close-up. Thank you, sir," Noah says.
Antonio drops that car and snatches another one, his favorite. "This one fast. This go zooooom."
He drives it up Jin's leg.
Noah grabs my hand and pulls the camera in closer. "Okay, guys, let me walk you through this insanely advanced collection," he narrates. "Clearly this child has good influences in his life. This is what happens when your dad is obsessed with bikes and cars and your other dad has taste."
Antonio picks up another car, this one with a busted door. "This crashed." He yeets it to the side, totally satisfied. Jin starts laughing. "That's very on brand for you, Gio."
Antonio, suddenly very serious, grabs two cars and holds them up to the camera. "This Daddy." He wiggles the first one. "This Dada." He wiggles the second.
Noah blinks. "Wait, which one is who?"
Antonio points at the slightly bigger, more beat-up car. "This Daddy. He go fast. Boom."
Then he points at the cleaner one. "This Dada. He go careful." He drives it gently across the carpet. Jin loses it. "He just called you reckless and Rava responsible with toy cars. I'm gonna cry."
Noah turns the mic toward me. "See? Critical thinking. We love an observant king."
Antonio suddenly freezes, stares Noah dead in the eye... and lets out a massive burp. Noah cracks up and looks back at the camera.
"Okay. Our friend here has just burped directly into the mic. This is raw content. You're welcome."
"Excuse me," Antonio says casually. "No, you're fine," Noah tells him. "That was impressive, honestly." Antonio grabs another car, this one with fake teeth on the front, and starts chewing on it.
"Okay, so our friend here is now eating a car," Noah narrates. "Perfectly normal development."
Jin tries to pry it out of his mouth. "Dude, stop, it's not a snack."
Antonio pulls it back. "Is. Car cookie."
Noah nods like that makes sense, then looks down at the full line of cars on the floor. "What's happening here, sir? Is this a race?"
Antonio gives him a judgmental look. "Line. They wait."
"For what?"
"For food."
Jin lets his head fall forward. "He's fully integrated into this family. I'm done. Your kid is literally the perfect mix of you and Rava."
"Thank you, Jin," I say. Jin takes the mic suddenly. "Noah, your turn. Get ready." He clears his throat. "Question about your love life, Kaiser."
"I'm ready," Noah says. "Hit me with it."
"How does it feel to date a serious, respectable lawyer... while you're... well… you?"
Noah gasps. "That was homophobic too."
"It wasn't," Jin says.
"It felt homophobic," Noah insists. "But to answer your question, it feels like I scammed the system. This man reads laws and still looked at me and went 'yeah, that one'. That's crazy."
"Worst thing that happened to you this year?" Jin asks. "Finding out Lorenzo is reproducing."
Jin nods.
"Agreed. Terrifying. Lorenzo number two. Anyway. Any message you wanna leave for your future self?"
"Yeah," Noah says, taking the mic properly this time. "If future me is watching this: if you broke up with Marco, you're an idiot. Go fix it."
"Excellent statement," Jin says. "I love threats. Well done." "Thank you," Noah answers, satisfied. Jin looks into the camera. "This was Noah, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for your time." I stop recording and end the video. I hand the phone back to Noah and head straight for the kitchen.
Rava's still there, moving around like a tired little machine, and I go behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, kissing his face all over. Cheeks, temple, jaw, nose. He laughs but doesn't push me away.
"How's the food going, chef?" I ask into his neck.
"We're eating in ten. Go call the others. Actually..." he sighs, tired, "can you help me a bit?"
Poor guy.
It hits me now how much he's done alone today. "Hey," I say, pushing his glasses back up his nose because they've slid halfway down.
"We're not in a rush. Take your time. I'll help. What do you want me to do?" He looks up at the ceiling, thinking. "I want you to take the cheese pies out of the oven, put them in that bowl, and just make the salad if you can. Everything else is under control."
I nod and get to work.
Ten minutes later, we finally sit down at the table. Everyone's loud, and hungry. Rava's phone starts ringing. "Want me to pick up?" Daisy asks, reaching.
I grab it before she does. "It's your mom," I tell them, then answer. "Hi, Eden," I say, smiling already.
"Hi, sweetheart, how are you all doing?" she asks. "Rava told me you got sick, are you okay?"
Daisy immediately leans over. "Wow, mom, thanks for asking how I'm doing, I'm fine too, and so is the baby, yeah," she says.
I laugh and turn the phone back toward me. "I'm okay now, he took really good care of me. Look, here he is," I say, flipping the camera. "He's red because he cooked all day." Rava laughs and waves at his mom.
"HI, EDEN!" Noah screams from across the table. "I miss you!"
"I miss you too, Noah. I miss all of—"
All the lights cut off at once. Everything goes black. Lorenzo screams. Antonio starts crying instantly. "What happened?!" his mom asks through the phone.
"Uhhh... I think we just had a blackout," I say. "Now I'll touch whoever I want and no one will know it's me," Jin announces in the dark.
"Jin! Was that you?? Behave!" his mom yells from the phone. Lorenzo turns on his flashlight. Marco does the same. "Give the phone to Antonio, my poor baby," Eden says. I move around the table, find him by the sound of his crying, scoop him up with one arm and pull him onto my lap.
"Look, it's Grandma," I tell him, putting the phone in front of his face. "Say 'hi Grandmaaa.'" Antonio immediately stops crying, sniffles, and looks at the screen.
"Hi gamaaa," he says. Now Eden starts crying. "Oh, my love, you," she sniffles. "You're the most beautiful child in the world." Antonio nods, totally serious.
Noah's jaw drops. "Look at him agreeing so confidently. This child will be immune to bullying, I swear."
"I'll call you again later after you all eat, okay?" Eden says. "Take care of yourselves!" Everyone leans in to shout bye to her, and then the call ends.
Dead silence. "No one's gonna go check how long this is gonna last?" Valentina asks. "I'll go," Lorenzo says, and sprints off. We all just sit there in the dark, staring at each other. "I love how we're all dressed nice but wearing Christmas socks," Marco says.
"We have to stay in the Christmas spirit," Daisy answers. "Antonio, you look so handsome. You're not scared of the dark, are you?"
Antonio shakes his head. Nope.
"He sleeps in the dark," Rava says. "The problem is his other dad over here—" he points at me, "—who's a whole muscle wall but needs a little light to sleep and complains about it."
Antonio giggles.
"I LIKE TO SEE AROUND ME," I complain. "God forbid a man wants to protect his family from potential burglars." Marco laughs. "Yeah, totally, protector of the house, with his little night light."
I throw an olive at him. "Antonio, we'll eat and then you go to sleep, okay?" I tell him. "I'll wake you up when it's time to see the fireworks." Antonio nods, already rubbing his eyes. Lorenzo comes back.
The lights are still off. "They're not coming back yet. We have to wait," he announces. "Eat in the dark."
"Perfect." Rava says and starts eating.