Chapter 14 Ivy
FOURTEEN
ivy
“Hey, Ivy.”
“Hey, Mommy,” I replied. “What’s up?”
Yes, I still called my mother Mommy, something my girl Kendra used to tease me about all the time. To me, I was going to be a big kid indefinitely, so calling my mother the name I’ve been using since I learned to speak came naturally.
“How are you?” she asked on the other end of the line.
I was in my bedroom in Greene Gardens, my eyes fixed on the ceiling, my mind somewhere in outer space.
“Positive answer?” I asked. “Grateful for life. Honest answer? Hanging on by a frayed thread that’s about two seconds from popping.”
These past few days had been unnecessarily stressful.
“The baby, again?”
“Hmph,” I huffed. “Believe it or not, that’s the easiest thing I’m dealing with these days.”
There was silence for a moment before she asked, “Are you gonna tell me what’s troubling you?”
I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut. “It’s not something I’m comfortable sharing.”
Because how do you broach the subject of hooking up with a friend when you should be focused on taking care of a baby… a baby you never asked for?
I grunted, turning over and pressing my face into my pillow.
“God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle,” she said over speaker. “You know that, right, Ivy?”
“I know, Mommy,” I mumbled into the pillow.
“So, while you may think what you’re dealing with—whatever you’re dealing with—is too much, it’s exactly what is needed to bring you closer to Him.”
My mother was a very religious woman. Yet another reason I didn’t want to share what was really on my mind.
Leo. Sex with Leo, specifically.
“Anyway,” she added, “I just called to check in on you. You know my door is always open, and I haven’t seen you since you moved out there. So stop by sometime, please.”
I nodded against my pillow, turning my head just in time to say, “I will. Thanks for calling, Mommy.”
I ended the call and inhaled a deep, encouraging breath before pushing myself into a seated position and stepping off the bed.
I hated feeling like this, and I was about to do something about it…
At least, I hoped I was about to do something about it.
The hour had just switched to 10 p.m., according to my nightstand clock, as I opened my bedroom door and stepped out. To say these last few days had been one of the hardest and most confusing times would be an understatement.
And while it wasn’t directly about Baby Love, it had everything to do with him too.
I inhaled deeply, my steps light as I headed down the hall toward Leo’s room—the scene of a crime that had happened twice and had yet to be addressed.
This man had been keeping his distance since that night. Again.
Granted, he’d had games and even an away game the day after our second hookup. But he didn’t bother to call me while he was away.
The whole thing was perplexing. For one, like I said, I don’t hook up. I don’t have sex with people I’m not in a relationship with, so I don’t know what or how I’m supposed to feel after. Not that it was his responsibility to coach me through my headspace, but damn—what the fuck was this?
After our second time, he got up and out of bed so fast, I barely had time to process what had just happened. He left the room without a word, went straight to the bathroom to shower, and didn’t say anything afterward.
Had plenty to say during sex but nothing after. It was bizarre, and I was over it.
I stopped in front of Baby Love’s nursery, peeking through the gap in the door to see him sound asleep.
He’d returned to his usual schedule of sleeping through the night, thank God.
His doctor explained that disruptions like this were normal—part of the growth process and meeting milestones.
Wonder weeks, growth spurts, blah blah blah.
Honestly, I was so inundated with all things baby, I felt like my brain might explode.
And again, I felt like I was doing it all alone.
I was done with that too.
I needed clarity. I needed the air cleared. Most of all, I desperately needed to understand where Leo and I stood. Because this shit? Hooking up and then him acting like I was some random woman he met at the club didn’t feel right.
I needed answers because beyond my hurt feelings—which were definitely bruised at this point—our living situation was at risk. Our co-parenting responsibilities were tied up in whatever this thing between us was, and it couldn’t go unaddressed any longer.
Most of all, I was tired of feeling like an afterthought. Every time it happened, it was him initiating. And every time afterward, it was me left picking up the pieces of my emotions.
I stopped in front of Leo’s door.
I didn’t hesitate or delay. I turned the knob and walked in.
The door opened to him standing in front of his full-length mirror, buttoning one of the final buttons beneath his neck.
As soon as he saw me standing in the doorway, he kissed his teeth, then turned his attention back to his reflection. I heard him inhale a calming breath and exhale it through his lips, shaking his head while keeping his eyes on the mirror.
“How many times I gotta tell you to knock?”
I ignored the question. At this point, I didn’t think knocking was important. The man had parts of himself in me so fucking deep, knocking was pointless to me.
“Leo, we need to talk,” I said instead, stepping fully inside and closing the door behind me.
He ran his hands down his shirt once he was done buttoning, the sound louder than usual, his frustration evident.
“What’s going on between us?”
“Nothing,” he replied, quick as hell.
“Nothing?”
He squeezed his eyes shut, peeking down at himself.
Leo looked good. He always looked good. Fashion—while he’d never admit it—was his ministry. Always dressed to impress, his style effortless, and lately, it had been having an effect on me that it had never had before. Not until we started having sex.
“Look,” I started, stepping closer. “You know I don’t do this.”
“Do what?” he asked, finally meeting my eyes.
“Have random ass sex with men who aren’t my man.”
He turned his head slightly to look at me, his brows pulling together.
“But I’ve had random sex with you.” I pointed at him, trying to keep my voice steady. “Not once, but twice. And after each time, I’ve wondered what us doing that meant for the long term.”
“You’re too much in your head,” he offered, turning to grab his coat from the armchair in his room. “It’s sex, Ivy. Just sex.”
My brows shot up.
“Nothing too serious, aight?” He chuckled nervously.
“Nothing too serious, but your ass has been avoiding me every time after?” I folded my arms over my chest. “Explain that to me.”
“Avoiding you?” He scoffed, laughing in disbelief. Still, his eyes wouldn’t meet mine. Instead, they focused on his coat in his hands and the Chelsea boots on his feet. “I’ve been traveling for away games or needing to go in for practice. I’ve been busy, not avoiding you.”
“Mm-hmm.” I pressed my tongue against the inside of my cheek. “So that’s why you’re struggling to meet my eyes right now?”
He blinked at the floor a couple of times, his lips tucking into his mouth.
“Leo, what is happening?” I asked, my voice unrecognizable to me. That question came out as a stuttered whisper. Because as I asked it, I could feel my heart begin to ache. “What’s going on right now?”
He swallowed hard, his gaze still glued to the floor.
“Before all this, we were friends,” I said. “Maybe not the best of friends, but shit, we had a friendship. But now…” I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head. “We are not us right now, and I need to know what we are.”
He shook his head, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck.
“You say it was just sex, but it didn’t feel like that, Leo.”
He pressed his lips together and closed his eyes, briefly letting his head drop back between his shoulders.
“I’ve had sex, and it’s never felt like that,” I admitted. “And even though sex with people I’m not with hasn’t happened before you and me, I don’t think it’s supposed to feel like this after.”
“Ivy—”
“Because how can I feel really good while I’m doing that with you, but really horrible when we’re done?”
“Listen.” He shook his head, scratching the back of it. “I can’t do this with you right now. I don’t do this emotional shit…” He took a sharp breath. “I got somewhere I gotta be.”
“So, you didn’t feel anything?” I asked, my voice lowering even further. A part of me didn’t want to hear the truth, but another part of me needed it.
“The two times we were together… you didn’t feel anything deeper than just sex, Leo?”
“It was just a moment of weakness, aight?” he said over me, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “It… it didn’t mean anything of significance for me.”
I jerked my head back. “Wow.”
“I’m not saying that to hurt your feelings, Ivy,” he said quickly, his tone defensive. “I’m just keeping it real. You know me. You of all people know me.”
I shook my head slowly, my eyes still stuck on him.
“I’m late,” he said, gesturing at his door behind me. “I gotta get going.”
“Rushing out but didn’t want to rush the other night.”
His eyes locked on mine.
My eyes were watering, and I was trying like hell to keep the tears in, but it’s like I said—I don’t hook up. So of course, I would fucking cry over this.
God!
Leo took one look at me, and his chest seemed to cave in.
“Fuck,” he whispered. “Ivy, please don’t fucking cry right now, man. Not over this shit.”
“If it was just sex,” I whispered. “Why did you want it to last?”
It was so quiet after I asked my question.
“If it didn’t mean anything of significance, why did you want to take your time?”
“‘Cause you felt good, Ivy. Okay?” He closed his eyes briefly, exhaling sharply. “Really good. But that’s all that it was. Good sex. Nothing more. Nothing less. Please, just…”
I stared at him, feeling my heart crack.
“We were adults who got carried away… twice,” he added. “Adults doing adult things. That’s it.”
“That’s it?” I questioned, my eyes darting across his face.
He looked away.
“Because, Leo—”
“Let’s just… focus on Baby Love, like we’ve been doing,” he spoke over me. “Like you said we should.”
I closed my mouth in reaction, stunned silent.
“Let’s not complicate things any further with this, aight?”
I released a scoffing laugh, quickly drying my eyes while sniffing back the ones that wanted to fall.
He sighed, closing the distance between us.
“No.” I shook my head, stepping back from him. “Just fucking go.”
“Ivy—”
“You know what?” I turned to snatch open his door. “I’ll go.”
“Ivy, wait,” he said behind me as I took large steps back to my room. “Hold on a second.”
But before he could add anything more, I was in my room, slamming my door and locking it. I pressed my back to the door, slapped my hand to my mouth, and held back as much sound from my crying as I could.
“Ivy,” Leo said on the other side of my door, knocking softly. “Come on, open the door.”
I shook my head, doing my best to quietly suck back my cries, keeping my hand firmly against my mouth.
“Ivy, open the door,” he said softly, his voice sounding like he was flush against the surface. “Please.”
I inhaled a deep breath and pushed myself off the door. Instead of opening it, I walked away, heading to my bathroom and closing that door too.
There was nothing left to say. He made it very clear. And if he were feeling something but simply didn’t want to say it, I didn’t like that shit either.
I turned on my shower and peeled off my clothes, praying that the water would cleanse my skin—and the feelings I thought were developing for Leo—but that I needed to just go away.
And fast.