Chapter 12 #2
“It was.” Again, he felt on uncertain ground. They had never really spoken in such a calm way or at least not often, and they were nearing to thinking of their friends and the loss they shared.
She knows what you’ve suffered.
David’s face came to mind, but he pushed it aside and spoke of other things.
Best to move forward and not fall to pieces.
“Do you like riding?” he asked her.
“I suppose I do, although I haven’t done much of it lately.”
Nicholas was reminded of the altered life he’d taken her from. They continued speaking of other smaller matters and then it was time to take his leave. He bowed over her hand for a moment, holding it just a second longer before he left, not wanting to catch her eye for too long.
When he was riding away in his carriage, his jaw clenched and every muscle tight, he thought of the dinner they had together as near companions.
Her being so relaxed around him in the end, and them talking as if they were true companions and it made all manner of thoughts about her swirl in his mind.
It wasn’t just that she was beautiful, that he could easily imagine touching her skin or kissing her soft lips.
He rather enjoyed her company, it seemed, even if they did often argue.
She was like a melody he couldn’t get out of his head.
She was surprising to him, in more ways than one.
He would have to try his best at the club tonight to either fill his time with work or get wildly drunk.
It was only the first few nights after they’d been wed, and Nicholas wasn’t sure he’d survive another.
Once inside the club, he rushed upstairs to his office, only to find his cousin, Leonard, awaiting him. Leonard was peering at book spines on the shelf on the far side of the office when he turned around with a grin, his hands behind his back.
“Ah, welcome, Your Grace. Darren owes me five pounds.”
“Oh? And why’s that?” Nicholas hurried to the whisky decanter and poured himself and Leonard a glass. He went to the armchairs by the fireplace and sat down, kicking his feet up onto an ottoman. Leonard followed him.
They resembled one another, but Leonard was shorter with dark eyes. He was his mother’s brother’s son, and one of his only family members left. He’d often come to the club, but Nicholas had not usually found him in his office.
“You look like you’ve been through it,” Leonard said with a chuckle. “Married life getting to you already?”
Nicholas grumbled under his breath and took a large gulp of whisky.
“That good, huh? You know, you’d think you’d be doing something much more pleasant than sitting here with me so soon after being married.”
Leonard waggled his dark brows, and Nicholas rolled his eyes. “What does it matter to you? You’ll be off soon enough to find yourself a willing woman and can put me entirely out of your head.”
Leonard chuckled. “Yes, I certainly don’t want to think of you when I have a naked, beautiful woman in my arms.”
“So why come here if you thought I’d be doing something more pleasant? Surely you didn’t expect to find me?”
He frowned at his cousin who always did have a bold, cheeky streak to him, one that occasionally irritated Nicholas.
“I thought perhaps you cared more about business than your new wife. Word is you are not on the best of terms, and I am here to be your guide to wedded bliss.”
Nicholas nearly spit out his whisky. “You? Come to give me marriage advice?” Leonard shrugged. “So, the five pounds is you thought I’d come in today, and Darren thought I wouldn’t?”
“Precisely.”
“And yet I’ve been coming in for days already.”
Leonard shrugged. “I thought the wedded bliss would draw you in soon enough.” Leonard kicked up his feet as well and took a long sip of whisky.
“So, are you going to tell me why you’re here looking unusually sour?
Your wife is quite beautiful. I would not think bedding her would be a disappointment. ”
Nicholas tensed at mention of Cordelia in such a way. He agreed heartily.
“No, it would not be a disappointment.” He finished his whisky and then leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. He and Leonard often spoke, but he had never been a friend like David had been a friend. But Nicholas felt like he was going to burst if he told no one.
“So, it has not even happened?” Leonard asked. “And that’s why you’re in such a state.”
“We are married for the sake of her inheritance of the children of my good friend. We have known each other for three years now and have never seen eye to eye, but this is the way of things now. No, I have not bedded her, for she wants a white marriage only.”
Leonard snorted with laughter. “You? Having a white marriage? This can’t be.”
Nicholas’s grip tightened on the whisky glass, and he leaned forward to stare into the fire. What if she never begged him to come to her? What would he do then?
“It’s not just that. She wants me to be a father to the children. But I can’t do that. David was their father, but he’s gone now.” He shrugged. “You remember how my father was.” He shook his head, memories clouding his mind that he’d much rather be kept to the past.
“Yes, I do. He was a drunken tyrant, only thinking of the past. Despite what you’ve been through, I’ve never seen you be a tyrant like him.”
Nicholas wanted to hope for that, but there was a fear in him that somehow, the latent evil of what his kind father had become after his mother’s death was in him and was just waiting for a time to come out.
Not only that, but his father had found him wanting in so many ways that it was simply best to leave intimacy alone.
I could never be the one to hurt her or the children. I will not let myself be.
He cleared his throat. “Yes, well, who knows what the future could hold. All I know is the children are better off without getting too attached to me just as I am better off. But my wife thinks differently. However, I told her that this is best. She also doesn’t like the gambling den.”
Leonard breathed out as he took it all in, and Nicholas continued to stare into the flames.
“Well, if you think it’s best, and you don’t want her to argue with you about it, then I wonder why it’s affected you so much. For a man who claims to want nothing to do with getting attached, you care a lot about this.”
“I do not. It’s only irritating. And she’s trying to think me an honorable man for doing what I did.” He sighed and got to his feet, bringing the bottle of whisky back to where they were sitting to fill both their glasses.
“So, as was to be expected, she wants you to think more of her than you do. She wants you to take her as a true wife, and this white marriage business was just a pretense.”
Nicholas chuckled from behind his glass as he sat down again. “That is the last thing she wants. She wants nothing to do with feelings and only argues with me. I admit, I do like arguing with her. It’s entertainment, pure and simple.”
Thoughts of her again filled his mind: the smell of her, the soft brush of a tendril of hair, the way her lips had parted when he neared, and the way she never refrained from sparring words with him.
She was full of fire, even if she did not always wish it to show.
It only made her all the more desirable.
He swallowed hard, taking a sip of whisky to wash down the frustrating desire that tugged mercilessly at him.