Chapter 21
When Cordelia returned home later that evening, Mrs. Wright greeted her. “My dear, a Mrs. Browning has returned, as His Grace requested.”
“So soon!” she said, removing her hat and helping the children out of their coats.
“Yes, he was keen that she should begin right away if she was able.”
“But of course,” she said.
“I have readied the nursery for her, but the rest of her things will only come tomorrow.”
“I see.” Cordelia’s stomach clenched. She knew that Nicholas wanted this matter of the nanny over and done with but to have her begin on the same day?
“Very well. I shall take them to her. Is she upstairs?”
“I am here, Your Grace,” Mrs. Browning said, looking pleased and cheerful as she emerged from the sitting room door as if she’d been waiting there. “I am most grateful for the employment and was glad to begin as soon as possible.” She curtsied low.
“But of course. You were our choice.” Cordelia tried to smile even if she was nervous at the sudden change.
She knelt down low in front of Tim and Olivia and took their hands.
“This is Mrs. Browning. She will be a part of the household now, and her sole job is to take care of you, just like Jenny did.”
“I miss Jenny,” Tim said with a frown.
“Me too, but now Jenny has her own life and things to do. Mrs. Browning, as you can see, is very kind and would love if you gave her a chance.”
Cordelia turned and welcomed Mrs. Browning to come forward. “Good evening, children. You shall have to help me know my way around the house, for I am new, and you have been living here for a little while. Can you show me where we might go to play before bed?”
“Oh yes!” Olivia cried, “I will!” She took Mrs. Browning’s proffered hand and after only some hesitation, Tim took the other. They pulled her away towards the stairs, and Mrs. Wright laughed.
“A perfect choice, I think. His Grace was right. He usually is,” she added with a wink.
Cordelia wanted to argue at that, but she refrained. “She does seem rather lovely, and I do hope the children will like her.”
“They will. You can see it already.”
Cordelia jumped to find Nicholas was leaning against the door to the sitting room, having seen the whole thing.
“Did you hear that, Your Grace?” he teased. “I was right. The children are besotted already.” He glanced to the stairs where they giggled after the young woman, and Cordelia’s heart melted a little. But she was still mad at him.
“I will not make any such statements. It would injure my reputation.”
He chuckled, but then his gaze grew serious. “Where were you for so long?” he asked, his blue eyes not leaving hers.
He looked almost predatory, his voice low, and his gaze strong.
He nodded and looked to Mrs. Wright, who, with the ease of experience, curtsied and left them on their own.
Cordelia swallowed. It was really unfair of the man to look so lovely when her head was all mixed up about him. “I stayed for dinner at my family’s. They so wanted me to see the new changes in the house, and the children were happy to play. I didn’t know you were watching by the way.”
“I was sitting with Mrs. Browning for a little, to make sure she was ready, and I had expected you earlier.”
“Sorry – I just thought we’d stay to dinner. I thought you would…be gone for a long while.” She was annoyed at herself for feeling the need to apologize, and she walked past him towards the stairs. “My mother thanks you for the watch. She wished me to tell you.”
He nodded slowly.
That’s the best I can get from him for now, I suppose.
Some part of her wished to run over to hug him after what he’d done for her family and how happy they’d looked that afternoon, so at ease, and enjoying the new improvements to the house.
But she remained where she was. She wanted to protect herself as well, and she did not truly know where Nicholas stood.
“I suppose I should go to bed now,” she told him as she passed, lifting her skirts to take the stairs.
“Oh?” he asked, and that one question caused goosebumps to lift on her skin, but she did not look back, hearing his heavy footsteps from behind her.
“Are you going to bed as well?”
“Perhaps.”
His one-word answers were beginning to grate on her, but she continued up the steps. “You were hasty in bringing Mrs. Browning as soon as you did.”
“She was ready to work, and we were ready to have a nanny. There was no other choice.”
She stiffened. “You could have told me that was your plan.”
“No. You rushed off.”
“I rushed off!” She spun around at the top of the stairs and nearly toppled into him.
He reached out to grasp her arms and keep her steady.
“You were the one who rushed off as soon as you could, as soon as you did your job of reminding me that you are no romantic hero. As if I had –” she blushed, embarrassed at what he’d thought, and she stomped away to her bedroom, pulling out of his grasp.
She was surprised when he followed her in, and her heart beat faster as she turned to see him shut the door behind him and stand back against it, his arms crossed.
“I did not ‘rush’ off,” he corrected. “I had business to attend to.”
“Again with this business. Always this business! It is the place you escape to when things get too difficult here for you, too much. When I, when the children...” she swallowed, stuttering a little over her words. “When we are too much.”
He stepped forward, walking slowly towards her, his gaze still strong on hers, his every movement lithe and powerful. He reminded her so of a lion, and yet she was not afraid. She was only mesmerized. Lifting her chin, she tried not to betray the foolish feelings of her body.
“I never said that, Cordelia, and you know it.”
She turned to the wardrobe and pulled it open, searching for her nightgowns, wishing to speed up the process of getting to bed.
“Ah, so you are searching for the nightgowns I purchased for you? Where are they by the way? I have not yet had the pleasure of seeing them worn.”
At last, her attempt at calm broke, and Cordelia spun around to stare at him.
“I am in no mood to play along, Nicholas.” He paused, and she continued, taking a step toward him.
“Is this who you really are? Are you an irredeemable rake who takes nothing seriously and only cares about his gambling business and bedding women? Or is there another side to you that you refuse to show anyone? That you hide so deeply inside you it is impossible to get at?”
“I told you, Cordelia, do not pin honorable on me. I am who I am.” He held his arms out wide.
“And as for my business, I was honest with you from the beginning. That business has been my greatest achievement, and I will forever care for it and wish it to grow and prosper. I know it is not the way of dukes, and yet I feel it is the right way for a man, to have a true purpose.” He stepped closer, and her angry words were at the ready, but he continued before she could say anything.
“You are ever ready to make judgments, thinking that you are right, only to end up disappointed when you are wrong.”
“And what have I been wrong about? That you are a good man or that you are a rake?”
He bristled, but he did not answer that question, as she expected.
“You think you are smarter than everyone, love, always trying to argue and to fight, thinking that your opinions are true and correct. But why can you not let things be as they are?”
“And what are they? What is this?” she asked, motioning her hands between them. She turned away and sighed, rubbing at her temples. “And what of the children?”
“What of them?” he asked. “I care for them, I pay for the meals and their home. I pay for their nanny, and I make sure all is well. What more could they want?”
“More of you!” she cried, turning around again. “They have lost their parents, so we are all they have left, and yet you hide from them. You hide from me!”
She hadn’t meant to say that, and she cleared her throat. “I mean you hide any true feeling. I cannot tell what you are feeling from one moment to the next.”
“There is no reason for you to know what I’m feeling, love,” he said in a low voice. “I am doing my duty, and my gambling den is what keeps us afloat.”
She shook her head. “Yes, you are doing your duty, but –”
“But what?” he asked, drawing ever closer, his eyes burning with fire. “I cannot give more than that, Cordelia, why can’t you see? It is not wise for me to get close to anyone.”
“And why not?” she asked defiantly. “You would rather embarrass me by bringing me to pleasure, for allowing me to…do the same to you, and then pretending it was all for nothing.”
“I never said that!” he said loudly, his eyes widening, and he rubbed his hand at the back of his neck. “For God’s sake, it didn’t mean nothing.”
Her heart skipped a beat, and she waited for a moment, but he did not continue.
“They were wrong, weren’t they?”
“Who?” he asked with a confused look.
“Helen and David. To force us into matrimony. We will kill each other, and it is only draining you and bringing you down.”
She could feel tears in her eyes, but she kept them down.
I will not cry in front of him. It will break all barriers, and I am not ready. He is not ready.
“You will drive me mad, woman!” he said, throwing up his hands. “It is I who will bring you down as I have told you time and time again.”
“No, it is you who will drive me mad!” she cried, and he stepped closer to her at her words.
“Good. Then let us drive each other mad.” And with that, he grabbed her around the waist and kissed her.
Cordelia immediately responded and sank into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him back, relieved both that they could put aside the conversation for now and that she was in his arms again. At least there, things made some sense, and there was no doubt between them.
He opened his mouth against hers, wrapping his arms around her waist as he lifted her slightly off the floor.
“Oh!” she cried into his mouth, making him laugh against her lips.