Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
The morning of her wedding, Tamsin stood in front of the long mirror in her bedroom, trying to pinch a little color into her pale cheeks. She looked exhausted and terrified, which wasn’t surprising, as she absolutely was both of those things.
She hadn’t slept a wink last night, fantasizing about simply running away, going to one of her family’s country estates, and living there in exile for the rest of her life.
Would dying alone and childless be better than forcing the Earl of Haversham to marry her?
How could those be her only two options?
Though Rowan had been a very good sport about all of this, and she’d loved the time they’d spent together last night, she couldn’t help but worry that he’d quickly come to resent her.
A soft knock at her door jarred her out of her spiraling thoughts. “Come in,” she answered softly.
Olivia stepped inside her bedchamber, giving her a wan smile. “You look lovely, Tamsin. Are you ready to go down?”
Tamsin shook her head. “No. But I don’t think I ever will be.”
“You can still say no,” Olivia assured her, her face serious. “Nick will be angry, but this is for the rest of your life. Don’t tie yourself to this man if you don’t trust him to keep you safe.”
“I barely know him,” Tamsin replied with a lost little laugh. “How can I possibly trust him?”
Olivia sank into a chair in front of the fireplace. “I suppose most women don’t really know the men they’re marrying. I certainly didn’t know Nick on our wedding day.”
“We’ve only talked twice, but he has been kind to me so far,” Tamsin said slowly.
She sighed wistfully. “He’s dreadfully good-looking, don’t you think?
” She kept coming back to the attraction simmering between them, which seemed to be the only thing their relationship had going for it.
But that wasn’t enough. She wasn’t foolish enough to think that it was.
Olivia laughed. “He certainly is. But you can’t base a marriage on physical attraction alone.”
“What should it be based on?” Tamsin really wanted to know. She felt so out of her depth. She had no idea what he expected of her or what she should expect from him.
“Friendship would be a good place to start,” Olivia said softly. “Do you think that’s possible with a man like him?”
Their two interactions had been very friendly and conversational. He wasn’t condescending or critical, like so many of the men she knew. She had to believe they could build on that and somehow become friends. “I think so. I hope so.”
“Well, if you’re determined to go through with this marriage, there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Olivia’s face reddened, and Tamsin suddenly realized where this conversation was headed.
“Oh, thank God,” Tamsin breathed. “I thought I was going to have to go into this completely blind.”
Though she was embarrassed at the very thought of discussing these matters with her sister-in-law, she felt she desperately needed some clarification after what she’d seen in the Dark Walks.
Apparently, the sex act was not what she had imagined from overhearing whispered conversations and watching the animals at her family’s country house.
“You can always ask me anything,” Olivia hastened to reassure her. “I went into my wedding night with nothing but the ramblings of an elderly aunt who confused me more than she enlightened me.”
“That’s awful,” Tamsin said, shaking her head. “You must have been so nervous.”
“I was,” Olivia said, but a wistful look crossed her face. “Nick was very sweet and gentle, though, so we managed to muddle our way through it quite nicely.”
Heat rushed to Tamsin’s cheeks at the thought of her brother doing anything sexual, but she was glad he’d been good to his wife. “So… can you tell me what to expect?”
Olivia flushed even deeper. “Well, you’ll both undress. He’ll probably want to kiss you and touch you in all your most private places. If he does, let him, because it will go easier for you if you are enjoying it.”
“And will I?” Tamsin asked, biting her lip. “Will I enjoy it? I’ve heard it’s painful.”
“I imagine that it can be, for some women, especially those who don’t have gentle and considerate lovers,” Olivia said honestly. “But I only felt a slight twinge, and then it was actually quite… pleasant. Do you understand the basic mechanics of it?”
“Yes,” Tamsin said quickly, but then immediately thought of what she’d witnessed in the Dark Walks. “But are there other ways of making love? Ways other than the typical way?”
Olivia’s eyes widened. “How do you…?” She shook her head, obviously deciding she didn’t want to know.
“Yes, Tamsin. There are infinite ways that people can find pleasure with each other. But I imagine that on your wedding night, the earl will not ask anything exotic of you. You will probably be on your back, and he will lie on top of you. But later, if you are willing, the two of you might get more adventurous. Hopefully, his vast experience will have made him a good lover.”
A shiver went up Tamsin’s spine at the thought of it. Of stripping herself bare before him, of letting him touch her wherever he wanted. She didn’t think she was ready for that. Not until she got to know him better. Not until she trusted him at least a little bit.
“Do you think he’ll be angry if I ask him to wait a while? I’d like to get to know him a little before we do… that.”
“Perhaps,” Olivia said slowly. “It wouldn’t hurt to ask. If he’s a decent man, then he’ll understand. However, I must warn you that most men want to exercise their rights on their wedding night. I would hate for your marriage to start on the wrong foot because he’s angry about being made to wait.”
Biting her lip, Tamsin stood, giving herself one last glance in the mirror. She would hate that, too, but perhaps it would be worth the risk. At least this way, she’d know from the start what sort of man she was married to.
Olivia stood, too, and pulled her into a fierce embrace. “If he’s cruel, let me know. I will do whatever I can to help you.”
Tamsin nodded, tears stinging her eyes. It was a nice offer, but they both knew that once she was married to the earl, there was little anyone could do to save her, even if she truly needed saving. “Thank you, Olivia. For everything. You’ve been so kind, and I’ll miss living here with you.”
“I’ll miss that, too.” Olivia brushed her own tears away. “Shall we head down then?”
“Yes,” Tamsin said, squaring her shoulders and lifting her chin. “There’s no use putting it off any longer.”
The rain drummed a soft, rhythmic beat against the stained-glass windows of St. George’s in Hanover Square, turning the world outside into a blurred wash of gray.
Tamsin was nearly certain that rain on her wedding day was a bad sign.
Inside, the church was far too large for so small a party.
Only a few friends and family members sat in the very front pews on Tamsin’s side, and Rowan’s side was completely empty.
As she stood at the back of the church, Tamsin wondered if she should be worried that no one had shown up for him. What sort of man had no one he could invite to his own wedding? Or was it simply that he didn’t care enough about the ceremony to do so?
She nervously ran her hands down the front of her gown. It was not a traditional wedding dress; there hadn’t been time to have one made for her. She wore a simple ball gown of heavy cream silk, with a high lace collar that brushed irritatingly against her jaw.
“You look beautiful, Tamsin,” Nicolas said, his voice unusually thick.
He stood beside her, his shoulders stiff.
“I know this is not the day you imagined for yourself. But under the circumstances, it truly is the best you could have done. Haversham is... I don’t like him, but I wouldn’t allow this if I thought he’d hurt you. You’ll be safe with him.”
Safe. It was a strange word to describe a marriage precipitated by a gossip column. But as she began the short walk down the aisle, Tamsin realized she wasn’t afraid of her new husband. She had a lot of doubts where Rowan was concerned, but she didn’t think he’d ever hurt her physically.
Rowan stood at the altar, dressed in a dark coat that made his shoulders seem impossibly broad, his dark hair swept back from his handsome face.
When he turned to watch her approach, Tamsin felt a jolt of something she didn’t understand.
His dark eyes were steady, and he looked at her with a quiet intensity that made the rest of the cavernous church fall away.
As Nicolas placed her hand in Rowan’s, the heat of her groom’s touch grounded her. His fingers closed over hers with a gentle, firm pressure, a silent promise of support. She could almost believe he cared for her.
The ceremony was a blur of ancient words that she couldn’t seem to track.
She found herself watching Rowan’s profile—the sharp line of his jaw, the way his dark lashes shadowed his deep brown eyes.
Dear Lord, he was so beautiful. He spoke his vows with quiet assurance, his voice echoing through the church.
When he promised to protect and cherish her, it didn’t sound like a mere legal requirement.
He had said that he would try, and she could only hope that he’d truly meant it.
“With this ring, I thee wed,” he murmured.
The sapphire ring was heavy and cold as it slid onto her finger.
She said her own vows in a voice that trembled so badly she would be surprised if anyone could understand her.
“I pronounce that they be man and wife.”
Rowan turned to her then. He reached out, his hands framing her face with a tenderness that brought a sudden, stinging warmth to her eyes.
It was done. There was no going back now.
He leaned down and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to her forehead—a gesture of respect that felt far more intimate than a kiss on the lips would have.
“Are you ready to go home, Lady Haversham?” he whispered, her new title sounding strange yet surprisingly wonderful on his tongue. It seemed fitting that he was the first one to call her that.
“I am,” she replied, and she found that she truly was. She was eager to see her new home, to get a feel for the life the words she’d just spoken had bought her.
The group milled around at the back of the church for a few minutes, as Tamsin said her goodbyes to her brother’s family, Rose, and the few other guests.
Rose held on to her for a long time, her whole body trembling. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered again. “This is all my fault.”
“It’s not your fault,” Tamsin assured her. “I made my own choices that night, and now I am paying for them. I just beseech you to think about that in the future.”
Rose nodded tearfully, and at last, Tamsin and Rowan were able to head for the door.
The carriage soon pulled away from the church, turning toward Mayfair.
It occurred to her that she had no idea where she’d be living.
She’d never been to the earl’s house. The absurdity of that made the flicker of optimism she’d been feeling fade away.
This had all happened far too quickly. They should have thought things through more carefully.
As the carriage jolted over the cobblestones, Rowan seemed to realize that she was having misgivings. He reached out and took her hand, tracing the lovely sapphire ring he’d placed on her finger. She hadn’t really looked at it before, but it was gorgeous.
“Neither of us was expecting this,” he said quietly. “But I like you, Tamsin. And I am wildly attracted to you as well. I wouldn’t have gone through with this if I didn’t think that we could make a go of it. I hope you feel the same.”
Tamsin looked at him, at this man who was suddenly the most important person in her life, and forced the panic down. They may have rushed into this marriage, but she had no choice but to try to make it work.
“I like you, too,” Tamsin said, her voice growing stronger, “and I am looking forward to getting to know you better.” Heat rose in her cheeks, and she dropped her gaze, unable to look at him as she said the next part. “I think you’re very handsome, Rowan. I always have.”
Silence fell between them for long enough that she finally lifted her gaze. When she did, Rowan smiled, that genuine smile that made her heart skip a beat. Her confession had obviously pleased him.
He gestured out the window as the carriage pulled to a stop. “We’re home, Lady Haversham. Shall we go inside?”