Chapter Twenty-Two – CJ #3
“Ha! If she ever did, she don’t no more ‘cause you barely want to be around her. Why? ‘Cause you’re fucking guilty. You’re guilty of thinking about Rebel and you’re guilty of acting like that motherfucker you killed!”
“How fucking dare you, Axel! Move the fuck—”
Axel punched the side of Diesel’s head. “I fucking dare. I double dare. You don’t got to be a vile motherfucker and steal a teenager to be like him.
He wasn’t nice to your mom even when she got older.
He just saw her as a big load. Not even as a people.
Forget Reb and Jana. You don’t see Mom as nothing but Dad’s wife.
Not your Mom ‘cause if you did, you’d know how much she loves you and how you must be hurting her. ”
CJ had seen Axel at his worst. In a rage. Fucking with shit. Screaming and cussing. Fighting. But, other than the times Mom raised her voice at him or Dad spanked him, he’d never seen Axel truly cry. The horror on Diesel’s face at the tears streaking Axel’s cheeks mirrored how CJ felt.
Diesel tried to take Axel into his arms, but their little brother bit his finger, sniffled and wiped his cheeks.
“Me and CJ are on your side,” Axel said tearfully.
“We might not like you with Reb, but we love both of you and you are a different kind of brother then me and him to her. We just want you to like her and like yourself, so you won’t keep her mad.
Mom didn’t stay mad with Dad until Jo got out of her and I heard her tell Aunt Bunny it might’ve been post pattern impression besides Dad being a mean motherfucker.
Before that she was always laughing and liked to dance and make us laugh.
She took care of us cuz she likes herself and Dad and Dad likes her and himself.
All you’d end up doing is making Reb cry a lot.
Mom was so mad at Dad but she cried every night we were away.
Do you want to be mean like that to Reb? ”
“No, Ax,” Diesel said tiredly. “Of course I don’t. I love her. Like a sister,” he added.
“Then treat her like a brother and be nice to Kaia. I left Ran and Ry when I heard Harley in the hallway. Kaia was with them, too. He wasn’t spouting stupid fucking poetry or nothing.
He was really cool. He kept saying how gorgeous Reb was like he was a blind fucking mouse and just saw a beautiful girl for the first fucking time in his life.
Mattie and Harley was right there, too. He was acting as if they aren’t beautiful girls too.
He kept talking about Reb’s blonde hair, ivory skin, and blue eyes ‘cause he’s fucking stupid.
He didn’t even care Harley was right there. ”
CJ stiffened. “What the fuck does that mean?”
Axel swiped an arm across his nose. “That Harley might’ve started thinking she wasn’t pretty ‘cause everybody always fusses over Mom and Rebel and talk about their blue eyes and blonde hair. Kaia told Rebel she is the gold standard and I asked what that meant. He said Rebel’s the perfect girl, every man’s dream with her hair, eyes, and skin.
He had a fucking stupid moment, but I forgave him.
I don’t think he knew about how Harley crashed out.
Anyway, to us, hair, eye, and skin don’t matter, but to Harley it might make her feel weird.
She can make herself get blue eyes and blonde hair but it wouldn’t be real so she still might not feel all the way right inside.
” He looked at Diesel. “Kind of like you, D. You got a mom and a dad. Brothers. Sisters. A real big family, but it don’t feel real to you so you don’t really want us. ”
“Ax, that isn’t true. I want and love you and everyone in my family. I would be lost without you. I’m so thankful—”
“Stop being thankful,” Axel said. “And just be nice to us. You’re thankful ‘cause you don’t feel like you belong and that you’re a Caldwell.”
“I disagree,” CJ said, patting Diesel’s back. “I’m thankful to be a Caldwell.”
“As I said, you’re stupid too. We didn’t ask to be Dad’s sons. Not even you, Diesel.”
“Which makes us even luckier,” CJ argued.
“Nope. It makes us be where we’re supposed to.
It’s not my fault, Diesel’s fault, or your fault that we’re Caldwells, CJ, and it wouldn’t be our fault that we aren’t.
We just are. The more you apologize for it and try to make people like you ‘cause they aren’t, the more you’ll think about stuffs before you make a choice for what got to be done.
You’re Dad’s son. If a motherfucker don’t like it, that’s on them, not you. You don’t got to apologize.”
Axel looked at Diesel. “Did you ever want to be Prez?”
“No.”
“Then why were you mad at CJ for club stuffs?”
Diesel bowed his hand, then rubbed his brow and looked at CJ. “I’m sorry, little brother. That was so fucking unworthy of me.”
“I accept your apology, D.,” CJ said, suddenly too exhausted to worry about the hospital tonight.
“Do you want to be CJ?” Axel pressed.
“No.”
“Do you want to be Diesel, C.?”
“No.”
“I really want you to be Prez, but if a motherfucker don’t deserve it, the club won’t be good anymore. Uncle Johnnie not Prez. He don’t deserve to breathe. And look how him and Uncle Cash fucked up the club.”
CJ nodded.
“I’m glad I’m not you, though. Dad always gave you a lot of rules and put a lot of stuffs on your head to do, especially when he went on runs.
My own chores are a pain in the fucking ass.
I can’t imagine having to make my bed and keep my room clean along with everything he wanted you to do.
Even more than Diesel and he's the oldest.” He sighed heavily.
“Just more evidence Dad’s senile ‘cause this could turn into the War of the Roses, like the Lancasters and Yorks. Or the Hundred Years’ War between the Plantagenets and the Valois over the French crown. ”
Pride gleamed in Diesel’s eyes and he straightened. “What was the original name of the Plantagenets, Ax?”
“They were the House of Anjou,” Axel said, beaming at Diesel and puffing his little chest out. “My point is Dad could’ve handled this better. Diesel wouldn’t be such a miserable cunt and you wouldn’t be such a confused one, C.”
Diesel burst into laughter and CJ couldn’t help himself. He laughed, too.
“You took our asses to school, Ax,” Diesel told him
“Next time I’m taking you to the cemetery. Okay?”
“Okay,” Diesel said as if he thought Axel could.
Playing along, CJ nodded. “I understand.”
Axel hugged both of them and started for the door.
“Oh, yeah. Dad always punishes us when we fuck up. Remember that when you get my present. Your punishment hurts me, but it’s because I love you and want you to be better,” he said with the utmost seriousness as he repeated Dad’s words almost verbatim. “Hopefully, it doesn’t hurt too bad.”
“I’m not opening any of your fucking presents, Ax,” Diesel yelled.
“Whatever, motherfucker. Whatever,” Axel said and slammed the door.
CJ stood. “I’m going take a shower, D. My head is hurting.” That wasn’t a lie. “Afterwards, I’ll rest until Mom calls us down for dinner.”
“I really am sorry, CJ. And I appreciate how you stuck up for me with Aunt Meggie and convinced her to change her mind. Thank you.”
“We’re brothers, Diesel. The sooner you realize you’re stuck with us, the quicker you’ll feel better.”
Diesel nodded. “Enjoy your shower,” he said, and stood. “I think I might do the same after I talk to Jana.”
“She probably needs to talk to you.”
With a small smile, Diesel walked out of the garden.
Back in his room, CJ promised himself he’d visit Molly and Jo tomorrow. For now, he’d shower, then call Harley and Mattie. Or Mattie and Harley. It depended on if he wanted the friendliness of his cousin before or after. Of course, Harley might not even answer.
After taking off his boots, he went to his bathroom, wishing Diesel hadn’t lost his fucking mind earlier and interrupted CJ’s plans.
Turning on the shower and stepping in, CJ allowed the warm water to wash away the fuckery of the day.
He was certain tomorrow would bring more than its fair share, so why dwell on the past?
He didn’t linger in the shower. Instead of waiting on Mom, he’d seek her out and see if she needed help with dinner.
He swiped the towel through his hair a couple of times, then wrapped it around his waist, heading to his closet for a pair of sweats.
His closet was nowhere near the size of Mom’s or Reb’s, but it was a decent size with enough room to walk in.
He flipped on the overhead light and went to one of his built-in drawers for underwear.
The moment he opened it, he saw the splotches of oil on his underwear, the T-shirts he used under his uniforms, his socks, and some of his clothes on the racks.
Axel’s warning ran through his mind, and CJ growled. He snatched gray sweats and pulled them on, not worrying about a shirt, socks, or even fucking underwear. He was going to dangle that little motherfucker from the roof.
Walking into his bedroom, Ransom and Ryder struck without warning, delivering a flurry of punches and kicks. CJ couldn’t even get a lick in to keep his head protected. The moment they let up, he darted under his fucking bed and yanked his comforter further down to hide from view.
“You little assholes, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I’ll take it from here, men,” Axel said, then called, “Come from under the bed, CJ.”
“Fuck you, you miserable little fuckhead.”
“We can drag you out, C.,” Ryder said calmly as if he hadn’t just fucking snuck attacked him.
“Is this what the fuck you used to do Rebel?” CJ asked.
“Yeah, why?” Ransom asked as if he were truly confused.
CJ slid the comforter aside and yelped when he met Axel’s green eyes. That bastard poked CJ’s nose.
“Don’t make Mom leave, fuck breath. This is a fucking warning.” Scrambling back, he offered CJ his hand. “I’ve called my men off. You’re safe.”