Chapter 8 – Diesel
Opening his eyes, Diesel took a moment to get his bearings. Immediately, he knew he was in his old room at the club. The smell of sex and alcohol always hit him first.
He squinted, vestiges of last night coming back to him.
More awareness seeped through and he lifted his head.
At first, all he saw was blonde hair and he recoiled.
Until his frantic brain calmed down and he realized it wasn’t silky golden hair made for an angel but bestowed upon a little demon.
It was Jana’s pale blonde mane, not as soft or as thick or as long.
Rebel had an exquisite head of hair, waist-length and perfect.
Sighing, Diesel gently moved Jana’s head from his arm and laid her on the pillow, then sat up and glanced around.
Empty baggies, hundred-dollar bills, condom wrappers and used condoms littered the floor and bed. Empty alcohol bottles lined the bureau and nightstands. On one nightstand, an 8-Ball remained.
Diesel scrubbed a hand over his face, ashamed. So fucking ashamed.
In the cold light of day, two truths hit him. He’d trusted motherfucking Narci, when that fuckhead would compromise his fucking mother if he profited and he’d allowed Jana to talk him into allowing her to fuck Torrin and Narci.
If she wanted variety in their bed, Diesel had no problem with that. Actually, he would’ve preferred it to be other women, but if she wanted a threesome where she fucked another man, Diesel didn’t have much of a problem with it.
But it was under the circumstances in which this sexual encounter had happened. Because he’d been high and angry and hadn’t protected her from herself.
After she fucked them without drugs the first time, it turned into a free-for-all. She had fucked and sucked, giggled and snorted, outpacing his, Torrin, and Narci’s hits combined.
How had his birthday gotten so fucked up?
No, he knew the answer.
Rebel.
He’d allowed a child to bring him to his fucking knees! Unfuckingbelievable. He complained about being a predator and a creep then what the fuck did he do? Acted like a motherfucking predator and a creep.
Like his father.
He’d thought…fuck, he thought she’d relent. Children pouted then overcame their tantrum and moved on. What the fuck was wrong with her?
He started to stand, but hands roamed over his back.
“Diesel,” Jana said hoarsely, the back of her throat probably swollen because of the cocks that had pounded her mouth. “Fuck me.”
He didn’t really want her, but it was something to take his mind off Rebel. The idea that she’d never forgive him tore him to pieces.
Uncle Christopher was right. If she would’ve told him to jump off the fucking Golden Gate, he would have if it meant she’d exonerate him.
He sank into Jana and closed his eyes, not caring that it was Rebel that he saw and craved. He’d fucked up in every other way possible. Why not give into the darkness completely?
Jana entwined her legs with his and tilted her hips.
He needed to get her into rehab. The idea of facing Uncle Christopher and confessing he’d fallen off the bandwagon sent a chill through Diesel, but that’s what he had to do.
There was footage. Unless Stretch saw it and decided to erase it, it would float out there and drop at the most inopportune time.
Diesel needed to get ahead of such a surprise.
“Diesel, harder,” Jana breathed.
He obliged, his mind spinning in all directions.
“I love you so much,” she said. “You’re so good to me.”
Being good to her didn’t mean allowing her drugs, and it certainly didn’t mean allowing her to fuck for those drugs. Despite his best efforts, that’s what she’d ended up doing. The fact that she’d used coke mattered so much more to him than her fucking his friends.
He was fucking certifiable.
Jana mewled, dragging her nails down his back. He decided to open his eyes, look at her flushed cheeks and dazed expression.
She was hot and wet, the heat of her body luring him. Except Rebel was in the background, taunting him. Hating him.
Rebel! Rebel! Rebel!
Somehow, he focused enough to get Jana off and then finish inside her before rolling off her and sitting up.
Silence rolled in. He thought she’d fallen asleep again, but when he glanced over his shoulder, he saw her staring at the ceiling.
“Sweetheart, I shouldn’t have done coke. Neither one of us should have. You deserve the world. My protection, not my hedonism. You’re worth so much more,” he stressed. “I’m so fucking sorry. And ashamed.”
Bolting up, she crawled to where he sat on the edge of the bed and pressed her cheek against his shoulder.
“You did nothing wrong.”
“I did everything wrong,” he told her bleakly.
“No! You’re perfect and you owe me no explanation. It isn’t my place to call you down.”
“You’re going to be my wife. It’s exactly your place, babe.”
“No, it isn’t!”
He was tired of trying to reason with her.
“I love you,” she said for the countless time, stuck on repeat.
Did she ever tire of saying that to him without a response from him?
“Can we stay in bed all day?”
“No.” He was too tangled inside to offer explanations.
She gazed at him through her lashes. “A day of fucking doesn’t appeal to you?”
Not with her. He clenched his jaw, searching for another topic to take his mind off his bleakness.
In three days, those DNA tests would finally be done.
Diesel wasn’t sure if Uncle Christopher explained to CJ and the other boys that not only was it to confirm paternity of the original members and the current generation, but mainly because of Jana and Johnnie.
Johnnie knew. Jana didn’t. Diesel didn’t want that sprung on her at the last minute. Amy and Sue left a lot to be desired as parents, but Jana felt a certain allegiance to them.
“Wednesday we’re taking DNA tests,” Diesel started. He wasn’t. He’d take one of Kendall’s genealogy tests to see if he could connect with his mother’s side of the family.
“DNA tests?”
Unable to detect her tone, he nodded.
“Me, too?”
Originally, she’d been the main reason for it, but shit was so complicated with fake birth certificates and other forged documents, this might be the only way to solve the mystery. “Suppose I tell you…”
Diesel wasn’t sure how to break this news to her, especially after the night they’d had.
Her resistance was low. Anything could send her spiraling and in search of drugs again.
He’d have to warn Narci not to fuck with Jana.
If she went to him for drugs in exchange for sex or money, that motherfucker had best turn her away.
Fuck. Narci was Narci, and Diesel was the stupid motherfucker who’d opened that can of worms.
“What is it, babe?”
“There’s no easy way to say this, Jana.”
“Are you calling off our wedding?”
“What?”
“I don’t care about anything else. As long as it’s not that, I can accept anything.”
Could she? Maybe this wouldn’t throw her over the edge but suppose he couldn’t find a way around returning to the condo with Tabitha? What then? Suppose Uncle Christopher and Aunt Meggie made her move away because Diesel wouldn’t live there?
Tabitha liked money. However, he’d moved Jana in, against Aunt Meggie’s wishes and Uncle Christopher’s advice, and that pissed off Tabitha. If Diesel had waited and upped his monetary offer, he probably would’ve gotten rid of her by now.
“Hey, babe, what is it? Talk to me.”
“First? No more drugs, Jana. I sound like a broken record, but it’s true, sweetheart. You have so much to offer the world. No more fucking drugs. Aunt Meggie and Uncle Christopher wouldn’t be happy about me, but if they knew about you—”
“Meggie knows. Remember? She saw me after Tabitha and me used and ate each other’s pussy.”
“She doesn’t know,” Diesel insisted. “She thinks you’ve recovered and had a temporary setback. Do not tell her or anyone else the truth.”
“If that’s what you want, then of course I’ll do it.”
Diesel grunted. Was Jana really pathetic for not standing up to him or was he allowing Rebel to get into his head? Only one way to find out.
“Sweetheart, there’s no law that says you have to agree with me for everything. You have a beautiful mind. Thoughts. Opinions. Free will. We are different people with different ideas. Tell me how you feel. Put me in my place. Stand up to me and for yourself.”
“I don’t want to make you mad.”
“I’ll survive. I’ve been furious enough to keel over, but look…” Smiling tenderly, he held his arms open. “I survived. I’m still here.”
She poked her lip out. “Suppose I like it this way? With me adoring you and listening to you. Does that make you love me less?”
Fuck, he didn’t love her at all. A weight dropped onto his shoulders, drooping them. He did love Jana. He was in love with Jana. He’d fucking say that until he believed those words. He’d make them become the truth.
He tucked hair behind her ear. “Of course not. But if you stand up to me, it’ll deepen my feelings.”
“But our relationship is so perfect,” Jana whispered, her voice trembling.
“It’s far from it, babe,” he said gently. “I’m part of that equation and I’m quite fucking imperfect.”
Jana caressed his jaw. “I disagree.”
Diesel sighed. “Open your eyes to the real me, sweetheart. Hold me accountable. I need that. I need to be able to come to you, block out the fucking world, and hear you. I need you to call me down when I’ve fucked up and praise me only when I deserve it. That’s what I need and want from you.”
“You’re the strong one. I’m not. I couldn’t do any of that because I don’t see any flaws in you.”
Annoyance surged into Diesel. “I’m a fucking addict. Addicted to drugs. Addicted to death. Addicted to sex. I’m not a good person.”
Sliding closer to him, Jana hugged him. “You are. To me you are. To me—”
Diesel drew away from Jana and grabbed her hands.
“I try to be good for you. I want to do right by you. And, yes, I’m a grown motherfucker.
I should be able to curtail myself. Sometimes knowing you’ll disapprove is enough.
Or if I fuck up, knowing I’ll have to face your disappointment and disapproval. ”
“You won’t. Never. I’ll never push you away and tell you I’m disappointed in you or disapprove of you or what you’ve done.”
“Jana—”
“No! Mom and Dad are quick to say how disappointed they are in me and how much I’ve disappointed them. I will never do that to you. I love you too much for that.”
“Jana, fuck, are you listening to yourself? You’re giving me pushback about not giving me pushback?” The fucking irony. “That isn’t making any sense, especially since I’m asking you to hold me accountable.”
“But I can’t and I won’t. No one else sees you as the man that I do.”
Since it seemed as if he wasted his fucking breath, Diesel returned to the original topic. He felt decidedly defeated.
“Amy and Sue might not be your actual parents,” he blurted, too exhausted to break it to her gently.
Jana snapped her brows together.
“It’s true. We think your father is my uncle. Johnnie,” he added with distaste because he hated that fuckhead.
“And my mother?” Jana whispered.
“A club girl. Hopper.”
“Isn’t…isn’t Johnnie Mattie’s dad?”
“He is.”
“I’d have a real little sister?” She sounded awed.
Diesel smiled. “You would. A half-sister, but biologically related. The DNA test will confirm what we know is the truth. You look like Johnnie and his son, Rory.”
“I’d have half-brothers, too,” Jana said.
“You would.”
Her smile disappeared. “What about Mom and Dad?”
“What you would or wouldn’t tell them would be completely up to you, Jana. There’s a bigger puzzle that Kendall, Johnnie’s wife, is trying to solve on behalf of the club. You’re a piece of it. We just have to see where you fit.”
“Johnnie doesn’t seem all that nice.”
“He’s a motherfucker,” Diesel said flatly. “But I’ll protect you from him once his paternity is confirmed. I’m sure Kendall will, too.”
“Okay. I’ll decide what to tell Mom and Dad afterwards. Whether I ask them if they have contact with my birth mother or even that I know the truth.”
“That’ll be up to you.”
After a moment of silence, Jana drew her legs up and rested her chin on her knees. “Question.”
“Answer.”
Giggling, she shook her head. “No, silly. I have a question.”
He smiled. “What is it, sweetheart?”
“Did you dream of Rebel?”
“I beg your pardon?” he asked, losing his amusement.
“You called her name when you went to sleep after Torrin and Narci left. You also called her name instead of mine a little while ago when you fucked me.”
Diesel winced. He thought he’d kept his thoughts about Rebel to himself. “I’m so sorry, Jana. There’s no excuse for that.”
“It’s fine,” she told him.
He squinted, frustrated, wanting pushback and accountability. He despised Tabitha, but she went toe-to-toe with him. Unsure how to respond, he glanced around and looked at the coke again. He needed to flush it down the toilet. He also needed to collect the money and dust off the residual powder.
“I meant it when I said I love you. My love is what’s most important. If you need Rebel to make you happy when she’s however old, I will be fine with that.”
“Then we shouldn’t be together,” he barked.
Her eyes widened. “But—”
“But nothing, Jana. If you don’t give a fuck if I turn you into a drug-addicted slut or if I fuck my little sister, what the fuck do you care about?”
“She isn’t your real sister. Not like Mattie will be to me,” she said softly.
“And you. I care about you. Nothing else matters as long as I have you. If you want to use drugs, sell my pussy, date Rebel, I don’t care.
I love you. Nothing you do will ever disappoint me.
I will never disapprove of anything you do.
I mean that from the bottom of my heart. ”
Diesel was too fucking appalled to respond. He stormed to the bathroom and slammed the door shut, wishing Rebel wasn’t in his head, dogging his fucking steps.