Chapter 10 #3
Liam: I know, baby. It might take some time, but we’ll find her. No one can hide from Keys forever.
Toni: Steel said the same thing to me once. I’m not sure if it makes me feel better or worse that she’s remained hidden this long.
Liam: I can’t answer that. All I can promise is that we’ll get to the bottom of this. It just might take some time.
Toni: This is depressing me. Can we talk about something else?
Liam: Sure. What do you want to talk about?
Toni: How’re you feeling? I feel like with everything we talked about, we barely talked about your sobriety.
Liam: I don’t really know where to start with that.
It’s like a cloud that follows me everywhere and I know I’ll never get rid of.
I’m sick of people looking at me with pity, like I’m dying or have cancer.
The rules are the worst, though. 34 fucking years old and I have a curfew.
But I get it & I’m not fighting it this time around.
Liam: That’s what got me into trouble the last time. Thinking I was strong enough to resist on my own because it wasn’t my choice to use in the first place.
Toni: I can’t imagine. But realizing you need help or can’t do this on your own doesn’t make you weak. You know that, right?
Liam: I do. Just needed to hit rock bottom to get the lesson.
Toni: You’re being very practical about this.
I noticed when we were talking earlier. I like that you aren’t skirting around what happened & that you’re willing to do the time in the program.
I’ve seen many successes and many failures in AA.
I also know that most of those failures occurred because people were trying to go it alone & didn’t reach out when they needed help.
Liam: You’re not responsible for your parents’ relapse, baby.
Toni: I know. I wasn’t actually thinking about them. Or more specifically, I’m trying really hard NOT to think about them.
Liam: My apologies then. I shouldn’t have assumed.
Toni: No, it’s okay. They’re going to be the elephant in the room for a while. I just don’t want to talk about them anymore tonight.
Liam: Completely understood. I know I have a good support system.
There are even a number of the club who attended Al-Anon prior to my release from rehab.
Even so, it’s never going to go away. While I was in rehab, I kept thinking of when my club brother Pumpkin was in rehab—only his was for injuries he sustained in his motorcycle accident.
He pushed and he did everything he could to get back home to his son.
It took a lot to get him to where he is, including having to use a walker or cane for a while.
But now he’s healed, and looking at him, you’d never know what he went through unless you’re told.
The same can be said about me. Just looking at me, you’d never know I was an addict.
But unlike him, I’ll never be healed. There is no cure.
& while I no longer struggle with the despair of that, I still get angry about it.
Toni: I’m sorry to hear about Pumpkin. Can you promise me something?
Liam: Anything.
Toni: If you feel yourself starting to get angry or you’re having a bad day, just tell me. We can have a codeword if needed. Just something so I know so I don’t make your day worse.
Liam: Absolutely. I have the same promise with Becks and Ghost.
Toni: What do you do to keep yourself busy when you’re having a bad day?
Liam: Well today, Ghost and I ran until I passed out.
Liam: Or yesterday, I guess.
Toni: That’s a good distraction, but not something I can do with you.
Liam: We can go hiking.
Toni: We can watch a movie.
Liam: Rock climbing?
Toni: Reading convention. You can be my muscle and carry all my pretty books for me.
Liam: Paint balling?
Toni: Seashell painting
Liam: Is that what I think it is?
Toni: Probably. The name is pretty self-explanatory. I used to do it with my grandma all the time.
Liam: How about this? We make a distraction wheel. Each of us puts an equal number of items on the list. If I’m having a bad day and you’re not busy at work, we spin the wheel. Whatever we land on, that’s what we’ll do.
Toni: I love that! Deal.
Liam: Let’s also do a date night wheel. I want to take you out, properly.
Toni: You mean you actually want to do an activity together that involves both of us keeping our pants on?? Color me intrigued!
Liam: Ha-ha. For your information, I happen to prefer you without pants.
Toni: Good to know. I’ll try to keep that in mind.
Liam: We can have 2 different date night wheels. 1 for with pants and 1 for without.
Toni: That sounds like an excellent plan.
Liam: I did tell you that I’m currently living with Becks and Ghost, right?
Toni: You did. But since I’m currently living in a park model trailer hidden on the club’s property, I’m not really in a place to judge.
Liam: Ha-ha. I appreciate your open-mindedness.
Toni: You’re welcome.
Liam: MY POINT, Antonia, is that we’ll have to come up with a system that works so I can spend nights with you without making Becks worry. Especially with her pregnancy, I don’t want to add stress on her.
Toni: I love that the 2 of you are so close.
Liam: Don’t EVER tell her I said this (because I’ll get the biggest sisterly “I told you so”) but I’m glad she ended up with one of my club brothers. My one regret about putting roots down in Mount Grove was that my family was still down in Alabama/Georgia area. But now they’re joining me up here.
Toni: I used to hate this town. Felt trapped here as a kid.
But when Grandma got sick, she wanted to come home.
Sometime between hating and leaving here, I realized how much I missed it.
This place is home. But now I don’t know if I have a HOUSE.
I mean, I know the place is still standing, but I have no idea if I’ll ever be able to live there again.
Liam: You have the trailer for as long as you want. That’s never going to be an issue. We can figure out your house later, or whenever you’re ready.
Toni: Not sure you thought that sentence through. This bed is pretty small.
Liam: Good thing I have a club brother in the construction business.
As Toni’s eyes looked around the room, trying to imagine what other sort of bed would fit in here, she realized the time.
Toni: Fuck, I have to be up for work in two hours.
Liam: Are you able to take a personal day?
Toni: I mean, technically, yeah. I just generally don’t. Always feel guilty when I do. Then again, maybe if I wasn’t such a workaholic, I wouldn’t currently be in this mess.
Liam: I will spank you so hard next time I see you…
Toni: Fine! Fine! I know, it’s not my fault. Just saying, I don’t take off work often.
Liam: Well, that’s going to change. You deserve a life outside of work as much as anyone else does. Even if I have to kidnap you from your office, you’re going to start taking time off.
Toni: Kidnap me from my office? What are you going to do, throw me over your shoulder and carry me away?
Liam: Yes.
Toni: Ha-ha. Very funny.
Liam: I am completely serious.
Toni swallowed hard, liking the image that statement created way too much.
Liam: Are you turned on right now?
Fuck. She was.
Toni: No.
Liam: Liar. Go to bed, baby. Think about what I said about taking the day.
I’d love to introduce you to Becks and my mom.
Obviously, you’ve already met Ghost, but he’ll be here too.
Then we can hop on my bike and go anywhere you want.
Hell, we could literally spend the day just riding through the mountains.
Toni groaned, closing her eyes against the temptation. But in the end, it was too enticing to resist.
Toni: That sounds amazing. Fine. You’re a bad influence. I’ll text my secretary and partner now that I’m taking the day.
Liam: I gladly accept the crown. Dress in jeans and sneakers. I have a spare jacket you can use. We’ll get you proper riding gear soon. & we’ll make it back to Morgantown for the 6:30 open meeting instead of the 8:30 closed one.
Toni: You want me to go to a meeting with you?
Liam: Do you mind?
Toni: No! No, of course not. I’m just surprised. I’m sure there’s an Al-Anon meeting I can go to if you prefer.
Liam: We’ll figure that out later, but for tomorrow, we’ll plan on the 6:30 meeting. I’ll text my sponsor to let him know the change of schedule. I’ll come get you at 9, OK?
Toni: Sounds good. Good night, Liam.
Liam: Good night, Antonia.
* * *
If anyone in the house thought Toni and Ranger looked a bit winded or disheveled upon entering Ghost and Becks’ house, they were polite enough to keep it to themselves.
Ranger had no doubt that the only reason Ghost was biting his tongue was out of respect for Toni.
It wasn’t his fault that Toni was so irresistible.
He’d tried to keep his hands to himself, but halfway back to the house, Ranger ended up pulling his bike behind the club’s garage and fucking her against the outside wall.
Thankfully no one commented, but he’d had a storyline all prepared about her “helmet hair”. They were definitely going to need to pick up more condoms while out that afternoon, as they were quickly running through the small stock he had prior to going into rehab.
“Toni, this is my sister, Becks, and my mom, Loretta. You know Ghost already, and this is Stuart Cross, my sponsor.”
Toni reached her hand out to each person as Ranger introduced them, though his mom pulled her into a hug instead of accepting her hand.
He’d warned her in advance that he’d called Cross to come this morning.
Not wanting to potentially have this conversation twice, Ranger had thought it best to include Cross from the beginning.
Introducing a girlfriend—which still felt like a premature term for Toni—to the family wasn’t new to him, but this was the first time he was doing so as an addict.
Cross might have some insights, just as he had when Becks and Ghost set up the rules for Ranger to come live with them.